Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers
1 Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
2 Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.
3 Mega Hertz: when you not careful getting the firewood.
4 Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
5 Hard drive: manoeuvring thought those rocky fields on the northern range when there is snow in the ground.
6 Windows: what to shut when it’s cold outside.
7 Byte: what mosquitoes do.
8 Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
9 Keyboard: where the keys hang.
10 Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.
Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ Barry demanded.
‘No, sir, he ain’t,’ Neil replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well, then,’ inquired Barry, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad,’ explained Neil patiently.
Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.
‘Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ Neil asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well, it’s difficult,’ answered Barry uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.’
Neil considered for a moment, ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
The boss was extremely annoyed when his secretary made a couple of corrections in a letter he had dictated. ‘You’re not paid to correct my work,’ he stormed. ‘Just type it out exactly as I dictated it – no corrections, no additions and no deletions.
The next letter that his secretary produced for signature read as follows:
Dear Mr. Dean – I don’t know whether the idiot spells it with an e on the end – you can look it up – in reply to your letter of the – where the hell’s that letter – oh, well, look it up yourself – the price you quote is far too high – greedy old sod! – and we suggest a figure nearer to our initial estimate – estimate, huh! – blind guess would be nearer the mark – we await your comments – and it you don’t like it you can lump it! – usual bumph at the end – an isn’t it about time for a coffee?
In an effort to boost sales United Airlines announced that for two weeks only, any business executive who travelled on a midweek flight could take his wife along with him for only 20% of the normal fare. In order to judge the success of this campaign, they emailed all the wives concerned, asking them if they had enjoyed their flights.
Ninety percent of the wives emailed back asking ‘What Flight?’
In the Barber shop.
A flash type entered the barber shop. ‘How many before me?’ he asked.
‘Thre cuts and two shaves sir,’ replied the barber.
The young man left and didn’t come back.
The next day he reappeared. ‘How many before me today, barber?’
‘Two haircuts, one shave and one trim.’
The young man left and didn’t return until the following day for the same routine.
Finally the barber wanted an explanation for this strange behaviour so he sent his apprentice to follow the man.
‘I’m none the wiser,’ said the boy. ‘He just goes around to your place boss.’