There are certain jokes that you hear and never forget.. you can read or hear them time after time and they still make your laugh… here are a few of mine.. please feel free to add your own in the comments.
A pirate and his hook.
A journalist in the 1950s decided that if he was going to interview one of the last remaining pirates alive he should do so quickly. There had been news about a pirate living in an old people’s home in Cornwall who had just reached the grand old age of 105. The journalist decided that he better get down there while he still had the chance.
He arrived and was ushered into the old salt’s room and was astonished to see the wizened figure had a wooden peg leg, a hook on one arm and a patch over one eye. The journo could not believe his luck.. here was an authentic pirate with surely plenty of stories to tell.
Having got over the initial niceties, the journalist asked the old man how he had lost his leg…
“Well, you see, it’s like this… I was only 16 years old and we were having a bit of a lark on board since we had not spotted another ship for many days.. They set up the plank and we took turns to walk as far as we could along it blindfolded.. I have to admit that I had a bit of rum in me and when it came to my turn I fell off the end.. luckily I had a rope around my waist and the lads pulled me back in sharpish like.. However, not before a shark charged in and took me leg off right above the knee.
The carpenter, who was our ship’s doctor, quick as a flash dipped my leg in boiling tar and two days later had made my peg leg.. still wear the same one today and not a problem with it”
The jounalist was duly impressed and then asked what had happened to his hand that had resulted in the hook.
“Ah well, you see it took me a while to get used to having a peg leg but I wanted to do my bit as part of the crew..so I insisted on scaling the rigging in a high wind and my peg leg slipped, my hand got caught in the rope and it took my hand right off.. But, the carpenter quick as a flash,whipped my stump into some boiling tar and in a few days had made me this hook, which is just as good today.”
“But what about your patch?” asked the journalist…thrilled with his scoop so far.
“Ah well, you see I was taking my turn in the crow’s nest and an albatross flew right over my head and shat in my eye…”
The journalist leant forward fascinated..”And that took your eye out?”
“Ah well, no…you see that was my first day with me hook!”
Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse.
“Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going.
No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed.
The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
John received a parrot as a gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude, an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, laced with profanity.
John tried to change the parrot’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up he yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back! John shook the parrot but the bird only got angrier even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked kicked screamed. Then suddenly, there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms said
“I believe I may have offended you with my crude language actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude unforgivable behaviour.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued .”May I ask what the turkey did?”
I hope you have enjoyed.. pass the smiles on.. Sally