I am busy helping out in the garden this week so I have dug up these to keep you amused!
An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary
in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word.
After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change.
He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.
Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven
words.” The old man thanked him and thought for a while.
Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
On the day of the funeral as the family and friends gathered to pay their respects one of the wife’s friends stood with her arm about her.
“I understand that he wanted to be buried with all his money, how did you get it all in the coffin with him?”
The wife smiled sweetly.. “I gave him a cheque”
And last but not least….
Two men are discussing what their wives think about them. The first man says. ‘My wife thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house.’
The second man says. ‘That’s nothing, My wife thinks I’m a God.’
‘She thinks your a god?’ replies the first man.’ What makes you say that?’
‘It’s obvious. Every night when I get home she places a burnt offering in front of me!’
Enjoy the weekend and hope you will pop in from time to time. Thanks Sally