If my body was a car
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…
But that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
A fellow was cleaning out his attic one morning when he came across an old brass lamp. He gave it a rub and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
‘I am the genie of the lamp,’ said the apparition. ‘For releasing me, I will answer any three questions you care to ask.’
‘Who? Me?’ said the young man.
‘Yes, You,’ replied the genie. ‘Now, what’s your third question?’
Out of the mouths of babes..
How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.
‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’
‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’
You will feel very sleepy…..
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’centre.
After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke.
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact
“S**T” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre
And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
At the wake..
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Have a great weekend.. spread the smiles..