A Florida State Trooper pulled over an 87-year-old woman for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license, he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn’t help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons, to which she replied that she also had a 9mm glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all, and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, “Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally the astonished trooper asked, “What are you afraid of”? The little old lady smiled and replied, “Not a damn thing!”
Ramblings of a Retired Mind…
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond.
Am I getting to be that age? I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”?
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
The young woman who submitted this tech support message about her relationship with her husband presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius!
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do? Signed, Desperate!
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):
Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck!
More to come tomorrow.. Feel free to share.. Sally