Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. They go in, and Jacob addresses the pharmacist behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?”
“We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course, we do.”
“How about medicine for circulation?”
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“How about suppositories?”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Alzheimer’s?”
“Yes, a large variety. The works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
“Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
“We sure do.”
“You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Then we’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
Be Careful What You Vote For . . .
While walking down the street one day, a Corrupt Senator is hit by a car and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem; just let me in.”
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really? I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil. He really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door opens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
Twenty-four hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute then answers.
“Well, I would never have said it before – I mean heaven has been delightful – but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all of his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil grins a sinister grin. “Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”
A Genie’s magic.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that damn map again!’
Be careful what you wish for!
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.
“I can’t grant your wishes,” explained the freed spirit, “Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I’ll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.”
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
“Yes,” she replied. “It’s been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.”
Get your money’s worth.
An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary
in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word.
After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change.
He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.
Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven
words.” The old man thanked him and thought for a while.
Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.
I hope this has made you smile.. thanks to Mrs. T. and please feel free to share the funny side of life.. Sally