Some more jokes from my email files and the archives.. Enjoy
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counsellor.
The counsellor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counsellor then turns to the husband and says, “Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?”
A man seated next to a beautiful woman on a plane. Eager to start a conversation, he asks”Business trip or holiday?”.
She smiles dazzlingly and tells him.” Business, I’m on my way to the annual nymphomanic conference in New York”
Trying to stay cool, the man asks “What’s your role at the conference?”
“Lecturer,” she says, I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” the man asks. And what are those?.
The beautiful woman explains “One is that African men are the most well endowed, when in fact it is the American Indian. Another is that French men are the best lovers when actually it’s the Greeks and I have also found the men most likely to impress in both categories are the Irish”.
“Blushing she added I’m sorry I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name”.
“Tonto” the man replied. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.
A widow’s grief
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
“Aye, That he did, Father…”
“And what did he say?”
“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…”
It’s all in the maths
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
Out of the mouths of babes
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him
“How do you expect to get into Heaven?
“The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”
And to finish off a cat who is really getting into this televised boxing match. Thanks for dropping by and don’t forget to pass the smiles on.. thanks Sally