Time for some Laffs – The Double Entendre and a touch Risque!

Welcome to some laffs.. a little on the risque side as some might say.. or it might be your mind!  My thanks to a number of contibutors today who I hope won’t mind that I have taken their names in vain.. Enjoy..

Little Bruce and Little Jenny from Tina Frisco – https://tinafrisco.com/

Little Bruce and little Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without hesitating, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

 

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and its sequel has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for
the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts………………………Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall…
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want
with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me
the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be
able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said,
gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

 Magic Potion courtesy of Alan Corkish -Facebook

On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an American Doctor who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband visited the Doctor who gave him some medicine in a bottle and warned,

“This is powerful medication. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the Doctor, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when those words are spoken, the medicine will not work again for six months.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

THE MORAL: we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM courtesy of Bill Wolak Facebook

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid ‎

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? *The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? *Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

And another by Bill Wolak – At the Pharmacy

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,

“HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore

Please laugh responsibly and only pass to those who you know have a sense of humour!

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About Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My name is Sally Cronin and I am doing what I love.. Writing. Books, short stories, Haiku and blog posts. My previous jobs are only relevant in as much as they have gifted me with a wonderful filing cabinet of memories and experiences which are very useful when putting pen to paper. I move between non-fiction health books and posts and fairy stories, romance and humour. I love variety which is why I called my blog Smorgasbord Invitation and you will find a wide range of subjects. You can find the whole story here. Find out more at https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/about-me/

26 thoughts on “Time for some Laffs – The Double Entendre and a touch Risque!

  1. Pingback: Time for some Laffs – The Double Entendre and a touch Risque! | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

  2. Pingback: Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

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