I have been clearing out the archives and I am sharing some of the most popular jokes from last year….plus some added pictorial reminders that some jobs are not all they are cracked up to be!
Watch out for ducks.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall with long eyelashes and very muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Be careful what you wish for!
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.
After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke.
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact
“S**T” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre
And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
And on the subject of……
An Aussie Drover’s story
Whenever two drovers get together, there is the inevitable argument about who has the best kelpie sheep dog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.
‘My dog’s so smart,’ said one, ‘ I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection.
‘That’s nothing,’ said his mate. ‘I only have to whistle and point and Bluey anticipates the whole exercise.
Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.
The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.
‘Well that’s not bad,’ conceded the second drover. ‘ But watch this.’
‘Bluey, what about some tucker?’
In a cloud of dust Bluey streaked down the main street to a farm five kilometres from town. The dog raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.
The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master’s feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head, the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek. Returned and set the billy on the fire and gently dropped the egg into the simmering water.
After exactly three minutes, Bluey rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master’s feet and stood on his head.
‘Well that beats all,’ conceded the first drover, ‘but why is he standing on his head?’
‘Well he knows I haven’t got an egg cup,’ said the proud owner.