As I am on garden duty this afternoon I have leafed through my archives and found some old turnips that you might enjoy.. Some of you for the first time and others.. well it was over a year ago when I shared them last. I have added a few visuals for you.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that damn map again!’
A nursing assistant was doing a little cleaning on a quiet afternoon. She was polishing the old brass lamp that an old lady had donated to the ward in gratitude for the fine care she had received there.
One of the floor nurses and the head nurse were nearby as the lamp suddenly produced a cloud of dark smoke, from which stepped a lady dressed in nineteenth-century nurses’ uniform.
“I am Gina the Gray Lady of the Lamp,” she said. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my previous owner that I will now grant you three wishes.” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of fine wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes – before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with a single, well-built man feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, she was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich, retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with a well-groomed man feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke the floor nurse was gone.
“Now what is the last wish?” asked the lady. The head nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of their lunch break.”
A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three wishes.
“First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.”
“Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.”
“And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.”
As you would expect, there was a loud explosion, with a lot of thick smoke. As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman.
She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said, “Now I’ll bet you’re sorry you had me fixed”
“I can’t grant your wishes,” explained the freed spirit, “Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I’ll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.”
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
“Yes,” she replied. “It’s been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.”