Smorgasbord Time for some Laffs – Some Home Truths – Courtesy of Tina Frisco

My lovely friend, Tina Frisco, knowing that I am under the rule of editing at the moment has kindly donated some of her archived funnies to amuse you while I pull my hair out!  Please follow Tina if you do not already do so on her blog and social media.. Details about her books and where to find her at the end of the post.

I have also found some funnies on Facebook this week that have been passed around and think you might enjoy.. Have fun.

GREAT TRUTHS

Children have learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Adults have learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Seniors have learned:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
3) You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
4) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS

At age 4: Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12: Having friends.
At age 17: Having a driver’s license.
At age 35: Having money.
At age 50: Having money.
At age 70: Having a driver’s license.
At age 75: Having friends.
At age 80: Not piddling in your pants.

DIVORCE WOES

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table and ate by candlelight. She put on some soft music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of wine. When finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend. At first, all was bliss. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. But nothing worked! People stopped visiting. Repairpeople refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided they had to move. They put the house on the market.

A month later, even though they’d cut the price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer. Word got out and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer, they borrowed a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely then told him she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for the house. Assuming she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 20% of what the house was worth; but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

About Tina Frisco

Tina Frisco is an author, singer-songwriter, RN, activist, and student of shamanism. Born in Pennsylvania USA, she attended nursing school in New York and lives in California. She began writing as a young child and received her first guitar at age 14, which launched her passion for music and songwriting. She has performed publicly in many different venues. Her publishing history includes book reviews; essays; articles in the field of medicine; her début novel, PLATEAU; her children’s book, GABBY AND THE QUADS; and her latest novel, VAMPYRIE. She enjoys writing, reading, music, dancing, arts and crafts, exploring nature, and frequently getting lost in working crossword puzzles.

Find out more about Tina Frisco, her books and read the reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Here is how you can connect to Tina on her website and social media.

Website ~ http://tinafrisco.com
Amazon ~ http://hyperurl.co/3vme2a
Facebook ~ https://www.facebook.com/TinaFrisco.Author
Twitter ~ http://bit.ly/14VXY49
LinkedIn ~ http://linkd.in/1aAGwXl
Google+ ~ http://bit.ly/1Fc1Uzn
Goodreads ~ http://bit.ly/165vmVp

Thank you to Tina for her wonderful laffs and to you for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles. Sally