The Black Bitch and other Tales – The Cure and other smippets by Geoff Cronin

The Cure

Mikey was a well-known character in our town. He was also a sporadic drunk and had the reputation of being witty. In his bouts of sobriety he used to hire out to local farmers for a week or two and the proceeds would go towards his next binge.

He was doing a week’s work for a certain farmer and was ‘living in’ for the week. On the first day when he went in for ‘the dinner’, a rabbit stew was served up. This proved to be generally acceptable but next day it was roast rabbit and in fact it was rabbit every day for the whole week.

On the final day, however, Mikey complained of severe stomach cramps and seemed unable to work, going constantly to the lavatory.

The lady of the house expressed concern and asked if he needed the doctor, to which Mikey replied. “I think, ma’am, ’tis a ferret I’d need!”

Secrets of A Shop Assistant

While serving behind the counter in the family bakery shop one morning, I overheard the following conversation between two old ladies who lived in a laneway nearby:-

“Mornin’ Mrs. Barry.”

“Mornin’ Mrs. Whyte.”

“The weather is very changeable Mrs. Barry.”

“Indeed it is Mrs. Whyte, you wouldn’t know what to pawn!”

“Tell me Mrs. Barry, were you at the weddin’ up the street?”

“No I wasn’t axed but I heard all about it, and I can tell you it wasn’t up to much, in fact I’m told they had a bread puddin’ instead of a wedding cake!”

“Well now Mrs. Barry tell us was the bride far gone?”

“Not at all girl, she wasn’t even pregnant!”

“Well, well! There’s swank for you!”

Time and Motion Study

Jack and Joe were two bachelor brothers who lived in a house with a garage at the end of a long garden approached by a back lane.

The small greenhouse, also at the end of the garden, was Jack’s pride and joy, where he grew tomatoes, early lettuce and cucumbers. The rest of the garden was a lawn which always looked absolutely perfect.

The pair lived separate lives which were carefully dovetailed, especially when it came to lawn maintenance and the push type lawn mower stood permanently by the back door.

Jack was always first out every morning and he came out by the back door and walked down the garden, pushing the lawn mower till he came to the greenhouse where he parked the mower and entered his greenhouse. After inspecting his plants he walked out by the back lane to his place of work.

Joe would emerge from the house about half an hour after Jack, also using the back door and after walking to the garage, took his car out and drove off to work. Now when Joe returned and garaged the car he took the lawn mower with him on his way to the house and in that way two strips of lawn were cut each day.

The thing was that each brother only cut his strip in one direction – never the opposite way – but the net result was a perfect lawn.

* * *

A noted drinking man was heard to declare. “We must be near a hostelry – I detect a dark green sound like the smell of broken bottles!”

* * *

An elderly lady, living alone on her farm, was rarely seen outside after dark and when I enquired if it was always so, I got the reply, “indeed it is so, sure they say she goes to bed with the hens!” Meaning she retired when the fowl were locked in at sunset!

* * *

Descriptions

A well fed man:- He’s as fat as a butcher’s dog!
A satisfied Man. He has a smile on him like a butcher’s dog!
A thin man:- He’s as fat as a hen across the forehead!
A happy man:- He’s as happy as a lamb with two mothers!
A mean man:– He’s as tight as a nun’s knickers.
He’s as tight as a camel’s arse – Dust-proof!
A notorious gossip: Her tongue is hinged in the middle like the clapper of a bellows.
She has a tongue fit to cut a hedge!
Politicians: Trying to pin down a politician is like trying to catch eels in a barrel of lard!

©Geoff Cronin 2008

About Geoff Cronin – 1923 – 2017

There were few jobs that Geoff could not turn his hands to, and over the years he mastered an impressive number of professional undertakings. Master baker and confectioner, mobile cinema operator, salesman, band leader, senior executive and master wood turner, storyteller and writer.

Geoff Cronin published his first book in 2005 at age 82. The Colour of Life is a collection of stories of life in Waterford during his childhood and early adulthood in the 1920s, 30s and 40s. This was followed by two further books that related tales of further adventures in Waterford and Dublin.

Thank you for dropping in today and you can read The Colour of Life and the previous chapters of The Black Bitch in this directory:

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-colour-of-life-by-geoff-cronin/

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29 thoughts on “The Black Bitch and other Tales – The Cure and other smippets by Geoff Cronin

  1. Pingback: The Black Bitch and other Tales – The Cure and other smippets by Geoff Cronin | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

  2. Pingback: Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – Magic, Music and Master storytellers oh and a bit of a laugh | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

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