I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine! I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.
Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you.. enjoy.
1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
7. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
8. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
9. Movie related foods (Maltesers, Buttered Popcorn, ice-cream cornets, choc ices, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
10. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
12. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
13. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles
14. Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
15. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
16. Drawing on my fine command of language, I’ll say nothing.
17. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
18. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
19. You know you drink too much coffee if you help your dog chase its tail.
20. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
21. Grow your own dope, plant a man
22. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
23. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
24. Time is the best teacher…unfortunately it kills all of its students.
25. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
26. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
27. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
28. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
29. You have the right to remain silent – anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
30. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Thank you for dropping by and hope you enjoyed.. please feel free to pass them on.. Thanks Sally
Thanks Don..
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Reblogged this on koolkosherkitchen and commented:
So many of dear Sally’s jokes are related to food that I absolutely had to share this set. And yes, Beautiful People, CHOCOLATE is food!
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Thanks Dolly and yes it is a superfood..hugs xxxx
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The pleasure is all mine, dear Sally! I am teaching right now, and I’ve just shared some of your pearls of humor with my students – they thank you!
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Great to hear Dolly… hugs xxx
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🙂
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Very cute. Love the peanut story, the coffee spoon, and the dog driving! 🙂
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Good to hear Marsha… xxx
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Some brilliant ones here Sally xxxx
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Thank you Shey… hugs xxx
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And to you Sally. need tah get a one liner re that xxxxx
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Sent these next door, Sally… guffaws ensued.x
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Good … just what I like to hear.. hugsxx
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Pingback: Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets. — Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life | By the Mighty Mumford
You know Sally these are very very good- the last one was a brilliant way to end.
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The look on his face… some of these gag guys are very clever.. hugs x
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Great LOLs Sal. I do like the theories about minus calories and calories that don’t count. 🙂 xo
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I have been working on that principal for years! ♥
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Copy that! 🙂 ❤
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Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
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Haha Sally, these totally brightened my afternoon! OK so the food I’ll have at the movies tonight will only be part of the entertainment package and therefore no calories 😉 Got it!
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Great Christy.. and polo mints and ring doughnuts are reduced calorie too.. hugs xxx
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Haha! I showed the article to a friend last night and he appreciated the humor as much as I did. You’ve made for many good moments with your Laughter Academy posts, Sally 🙂 Hope your day is wonderful!
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Thank you Christy.. glad the humour is circulating.. hugs xx
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🙂 Love the downspout. It is actually a good idea.I would make my neighbours smile too!
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Thanks Lesley and you could always add an artistic touch to the book to make it more of a feature…xx
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I LOVED these and the last one is why I don’t fly!
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Glad you enjoyed Elizabeth I have gone off it lately..
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I really needed a good laugh today! Thanks!
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Sally they were great I enjoyed them very much so I am going to reblog them for you.
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Great.. appreciate you spreading the laughter..Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
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Reblogged this on Truth Troubles.
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Thanks for the laughs!
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Glad you enjoyed..
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Reblogged this on "OUR WORLD".
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Thank you for sharing Nancy..
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My pleasure Sally, my husband got a real kick out of the dog driving a car. 😄
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Thanks for sharing the link Madelyn.. very funny and a great way to get people to review where their time is being spent… hugs xxx
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