Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.

I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

7. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
8. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
9. Movie related foods (Maltesers, Buttered Popcorn, ice-cream cornets, choc ices, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
10. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
12. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

 

 

13. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles
14. Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
15. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
16. Drawing on my fine command of language, I’ll say nothing.
17. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
18. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

19. You know you drink too much coffee if you help your dog chase its tail.
20. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
21. Grow your own dope, plant a man
22. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
23. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
24. Time is the best teacher…unfortunately it kills all of its students.

25. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
26. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
27. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
28. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
29. You have the right to remain silent – anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
30. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thank you for dropping by and hope you enjoyed.. please feel free to pass them on.. Thanks Sally