Smorgasbord Laughter Academy -More observations on life from cowboys and cats.

Some bits and bobs today….

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn’t wait to try the doctor’s advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.

Tonight, I’m going out with the boys and you’re going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know who’s going to comb my hair, iron my pants, Polish my shoes and tie my tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly,

“The undertaker.”

Some of life’s observations

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.

An Old Ranchers advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/humerous/humorous_28.htm