Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Dogs under the dining room table!

A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.

There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.

Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.

‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’

Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.

Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…

‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.

After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.

‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.

A rich man was accosted by a disreputable looking bloke who asked for some money for a meal.

‘Here, have a cigarette,’ said the businessman.

‘No, I don’t smoke,’ replied the tramp.

‘Then let me buy you a drink.’

‘No, I don’t drink.’

‘Then let me change your luck and buy you a lottery ticket.’

‘No thank you, I never gamble. Couldn’t you spare some money for a decent meal?’

The businessman looked at him. ‘I can do better than that,’ he said. ‘You come home with me and I’ll cook you the biggest meal you ever saw.’

‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you just gave me the money?’

‘Easier, yes,’ said the rich man, ‘but I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke or gamble.’

The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.

‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.

‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’

Chasing Cars

An old fella was chasing the local girls and one of the nosey neighbours took it upon herself to tell his wife.

‘It doesn’t worry me,’ said the wife. ‘He can chase girls all he wants to. After all dogs chase cars. I’ve never seen a dog catch one and I doubt if they could drive one if they did’.