Last year when I was away on my annual family reunion, Colin Chappell entertained us with some funnies. You can find out more about Colin and his book after you have had your laffs.
THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.
This student received the only “A”!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get anther pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch Screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back anther shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scottish. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: Wrap pill in bacon. Toss it in the air.
My thanks to Colin for providing the laffs today and please show your appreciation by checking out his book on Amazon #doglovers – and his blog.
Is there any expression of FRIENDSHIP as endearing as a dog voluntarily touching its nose to yours?
When Colin Chappell contemplated the idea of adopting a dog, he did so warily, for he had seldom spent time with dogs and one of his primary canine experiences came when he was bitten by a German Shepherd at age fourteen. He certainly was unprepared for the complexities of caring for the seventy-five pounds of rescued, furry attitude he encountered in Ray. But perhaps what he was even more unprepared for were the emotions he would feel once Ray invited him to be his friend.
Who Said I Was Up For Adoption? tells the evolving story of this adoption (though it remains unclear just who did the adopting). Funny, heartwarming, and emotional, Colin and Ray’s story is really two stories, for part of learning to let an adopted dog into one’s life is learning to see from a perspective other than your own. True to that knowledge the book is narrated from parallel, alternating viewpoints—Colin’s and … Ray’s!
All net profits from sales of Who Said I Was Up For Adoption? will be donated to the Oakville and Milton Humane Society, a remarkable organization that rescues and rehabilitates dogs (and many other creatures) and matches them with suitable, loving humans.
One of the reviews for the book
P. Wight Heartwarming and Sincere June 25, 2017
What a wonderful story about a man and a dog ‘finding’ each other and, yes, rescuing each other in different ways. Being a dog lover myself, I immediately melted into this book of a man who was once afraid of dogs, yet agreed to rescue a dog who’d been neglected and probably mistreated before taken to an adoption center. This story of how a man and dog learn to read each other’s signals, to understand each other, and then love each other, is heart-warming and sincere.
Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FIT5PAM
Also by Colin Chappell – Just Thinking Poetry Collection
Read the reviews and buy both books: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FIT5PAM
And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Colin-Chappell/e/B01GS867S6
About Colin Chappell
My name is Colin Chappell and while originally from Peterborough (UK), I moved to Canada in 1975 and in neither country did I consider a dog for a pet. Dogs were in fact annoying, soiled areas that I traveled on, chased almost anything that moved, smelled a little when dry, and smelled a lot when wet. I was bitten by Sabre (German Shepherd/Alsatian) who was probably protecting its owner from me. I was about 14 yrs old at that time and was only interested in trains so attacking big people was not a factor (but try explaining that to Sabre).
In a moment of weakness in November 2012, I started talking to our local Humane Society about dog ownership with the view to maybe, just maybe, I might like to adopt one. I was starting to believe that it could be possible to have a really rewarding relationship with a canine.
Eventually I decided yes, and so started looking for a good size, sociable, even temperament, huggy kind of dog. The plan totally misfired because while I was planning on possibly adopting a dog, Ray was planning on adopting me. His strategy was clearly better than mine because he moved in with us in March 2013. I would describe him as 75lbs of attitude in a fur coat!
He was neither sociable, nor of even temperament and did not like to be touched. In fact the only area where he met my criteria was in his size. He was certainly a good size dog! With me and “a good size dog” starting a new life together, there has to be many stories and this blog will be updated regularly in an attempt to tell some of those stories!
The emotional roller-coaster ride of the first 18 months of living with Ray, is covered in the book “Who Said I was up for Adoption?” which is available in Hard Cover, Paperback and eBook formats.
Connect to Colin via his Blog: https://meandray.com
One of Colin’s recent posts: https://meandray.com/2018/02/05/who-nose/
Thank you so much for stopping by today.. I am sure you have enjoyed Colin’s post from last year and it would be great if you could pass it on. thanks Sally