Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Papal Dispensation, the joys of maturity and birthday cake

I am 65 today… and since you cannot be with me in person at a tea party I thought I would share some cake and laughs with you….. I have not got all the candles as it is a fire risk and I have some help eating it.

 

Papal Dispensation

After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.”I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.”So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who you got there, the Mayor?

“Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

Tips and strategies for getting older…..

sky-divingJust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

********

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

*******

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

*******

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

*******

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

*******

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

******

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

******

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

image26Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!  Sally

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About Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My name is Sally Cronin and I am doing what I love.. Writing. Books, short stories, Haiku and blog posts. My previous jobs are only relevant in as much as they have gifted me with a wonderful filing cabinet of memories and experiences which are very useful when putting pen to paper. I move between non-fiction health books and posts and fairy stories, romance and humour. I love variety which is why I called my blog Smorgasbord Invitation and you will find a wide range of subjects. You can find the whole story here. Find out more at https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/about-me/

73 thoughts on “Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Papal Dispensation, the joys of maturity and birthday cake

  1. I know I am late to the party but I managed to get a crumb or two of the cake so thank you and I hope you had the bestest of birthdays Sally and have a fabulous time with your sisters…Love and hugs( Great jokes) Carol xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Smorgasbord Laughter Lines. Happy 65!!! – The Militant Negro™

  3. Pingback: Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Papal Dispensation, the joys of maturity and birthday cake | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

  4. Lol Sal, I left comment on the shorter version, thinking that was it, but realized there had to me more. I’ll drink to eating to fill out wrinkles! LOL. Happy Birthday again.! xoxo

    Like

  5. Pingback: Smorgasbord Blog Sitting Round Up – Amazing contributors taking care of the blog in my absence. | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

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