Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – The Lone Ranger and Tonto.. and a little Church Humour

A little humour from the archives…..

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,” Kemo Sabe, look toward sky. What you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo! It mean someone stole tent!”

How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night

Catholic Church Renovations

Elder priest to young priest: “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded as the elder priest continued: “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” replied the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elder priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elder priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell” cannot stay on the church roof.”

Don’t Mess with Nuns

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic School was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all of these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.Don’t mess with a nuns! They are wicked smart!

Thank you for dropping in today… please pass on the smiles.