On the Medical Front
Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.
Some of us are not quite up to scratch with medical terminology and things get lost in translation.
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumour – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you’re out
A little bit sheepish..
Q: Where do sheep get their wool cut?
A: At the baa-baa shop!
Q: Where do sheep go on vacation?
A man in a cinema notices what looks like a sheep sitting next to him. “Are you a sheep?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The sheep replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.” They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railway sleeper. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two men drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. It leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen… Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
“Hey… you two guys seen my sheep out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah,” says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railway sleeper.”
No sheep were hurt in the making of this production.. even the one attached to the railway sleeper.. he was a stunt ram.…..