Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Animals do the craziest things! And old farmers!

An old Farmer……..Trust me there is an animal in here somewhere…..

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond out the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, BBQ and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a large bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or to make you get out of the pond.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

Parrots……..

John received a parrot as a gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude, an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, laced with profanity.
John tried to change the parrot’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up he yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back! John shook the parrot but the bird only got angrier even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked kicked screamed. Then suddenly, there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms said
“I believe I may have offended you with my crude language actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued .”May I ask what the turkey did?”

Cats……...

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave

Rabbits

A pack of wolves are chasing two rabbits, which take shelter in a thorn bush. The wolves prowl around, waiting for the rabbits to emerge. One rabbit turns to the other and says,

‘What do you want to do, make a break for it or wait until we outnumber them?’

Cows

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

“You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes and says, “My wife is from Sicily.”

Thanks for dropping in and hope you have enjoyed the laughter…. please feel free to pass on.. thanks Sally