Welcome to the first of the laughter lines this week.. some from the archives and a couple of new ones…
First it is time to catch up with that Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman… up to their usual shenanigans!
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
- The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away.
- The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
- The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, ‘I’m free!’ and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman’s cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, ‘I say you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?’
In the pub…..
An Englishman, a Frenchman(the Scot was busy that day) and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
‘My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.’
‘That’s a real coincidence’, observed the Frenchman’, My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.’
‘That’s really incredible’, drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.’
At the funfair
An Englishman, a Welshman (the Scot is still busy) and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them.
‘This is a magic ride,’ she says. ‘You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.’
‘I’m game for this,’ says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting ‘GOLD!’ at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts ‘SILVER!’ at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts ‘WEEEEEEE!’
Etiquette when meeting future in-laws.
A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.
His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.
There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.
Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.
‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’
Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.
Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…
‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.
After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.
‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
At the weekly meeting of the Women’s Institute, one of the members was enthusing about the recent First Aid course she had attended. ‘It was a lucky thing that I went on that course,’ she said. ‘I was coming down the Hight Street yesterday when I heard a big crash behind me. I looked round and there was this poor chap who had been knocked down by a taxi. He was covered in blood, and he looked to have a broken and a compound fracture of the leg – an possibly a fractured skull.
And then I remembered what I had learned on my First Aid course. So I bent over and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’
Mildred’s eyesight was not as good as it used to be
I hope you enjoyed today’s offerings and please feel free to spread the laughter far and wide.. thanks Sally