Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Observations on Life – Old Farmer’s wisdom and Centre of the Universe!

Some of life’s observations

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

An Old Ranchers advice

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
• Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
• Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/humerous/humorous_28.htm

A silent order

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard,’ he says. He is promised the problem will be looked into. Another five years passes and this time his two words are: ‘Food cold.’ Again his superiors promise to take care of the problem. Five years later his two words are ‘I quit’. His superiors look at each other wearily. ‘We are not in the least bit surprised. You have done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!’

Even for a Genie it can be complicated.

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.” The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

I hope you have been amused by the funnies today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally