Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – A few Irish jokes and one liners… Part One – 1 – 30

I trot these out every year and add some new ones here and there… if you have read them before.. then try to put that behind you and enjoy again……….

Here is the first lot.

1.When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

2.His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

3.Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

4.”Seamus do you understand French?”, “I do if its spoken in Irish”

5.Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it’s just as well we got out of that field.

6.Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

7.T’was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!”

8.One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

9.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

10.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

11.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

13.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14.Remember half the people you know are below average.

15.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18.I intend to live forever – so far so good.

19.Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

20.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

22.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

27.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

28.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

29.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection… please feel free to share and more sillies… I mean funnies to come next week…. thanks Sally