I make no apologies for these one liners… only 333 to go!!!
31.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
32.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
33.Two wrongs are only the beginning.
34.The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
35.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
36.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
37.Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
38.Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
39.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
40.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
41.If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?
42.Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
43.Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
44.”When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather–not screamin like the passengers in his car.”
45.A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
46.It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
47.I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
48.I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
49.I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.
50.When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
51.I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.
52.I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
53.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
54.I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
55.I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
56.What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
57.Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
58.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
59.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
60.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Thanks for dropping by.. feel free to pass them on and Part Three next Tuesday.. Part One can be found in the archive for Tuesday.