Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Naval Intelligence and Tell it to the Marines

My father served in the Royal Navy for 37 years plus an extra ten in a civilian capacity.  There were good natured jokes and rivalry between the senior service, army and Royal Air Force.  Here are a few that I have sourced from archives and various sites.

Signals

 During a naval exercise in the Mediterranean, a signaller rushed up to the bridge and said, ‘Captain, this message just came in.’

‘Read it out,’ said the captain.

‘Well, sir, I….’ the signalman stammered.

‘Just read it out man…now!’ snapped the captain.

‘Right, sir,’ said the signalman. ‘It reads: What the hell do you think you are doing, you stupid, blundering idiot? You’re not fit to be in command!’

‘Yes, well…’ said the captain. ‘Have that decoded at once.’

Enlistment

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?” “My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.” “Oh? And what does your father do?” “He’s in the Army, sir.”

Trouble

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.”

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”

Old Ironsides

The USS Constitution, Old Ironsides, as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. However, let it be noted that according to her log:

“On July 22, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, 1798 she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November, 1798. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef, and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, 1798 she set sail for England. In the ensuing days, she defeated five British men-of-war, and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, 1799 her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of a single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then, she headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799 with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

Overseas posting

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? ”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

Tell it to the Marines.

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a MARINE joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6’5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The Airman says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share… Sally

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About Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My name is Sally Cronin and I am doing what I love.. Writing. Books, short stories, Haiku and blog posts. My previous jobs are only relevant in as much as they have gifted me with a wonderful filing cabinet of memories and experiences which are very useful when putting pen to paper. I move between non-fiction health books and posts and fairy stories, romance and humour. I love variety which is why I called my blog Smorgasbord Invitation and you will find a wide range of subjects. You can find the whole story here. Find out more at https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/about-me/

24 thoughts on “Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Naval Intelligence and Tell it to the Marines

  1. Pingback: Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Update – Music, Cookery, Travel, Health and Books | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

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