I have not been wasting my festive break. I needed some new material and searched my files going back 20 years to find some jokes that have not graced these pages so far…..along with a few visual funnies.
A young married couple were having their first argument and it was a humdinger. ‘I wish I had listened to my mother and never married you’, she sobbed.
‘Do you mean to tell me,’ said her husband furiously, ‘that you mother tried to stop you marrying me?’
‘Yes she did,’ spluttered the wife.
‘Heavens above!’ the husband exclaimed. ‘How I have wronged that woman!’
Lost in Translation.
An American was complaining to an Englishman in a West End Hotel, that he found many English terms confusing.
‘You say “Rubbish” and we say “garbage”, he explained. ‘We say “trunk” and you say “boot” and we say “apartment” and you say “flat”. And then there is your pronounciation – I just can’t make head or tail of that!’
‘Surely there can’t be that much difference?’ said the Englishman. ‘Can you give me an example?’
‘I can,’ said the American. ‘Yesterday I was walking down Drury Lane and I passed a theatre with a big sign saying, “CATS- Pronounced success!”‘
Some more genuine exam answers….
What is a nitrate?
It is much cheaper than a day rate
What is the process for separating a mixture of chalk and sand?
It is a process called flirtation.
What happens when your body starts to age?
Your organs work less efficiently and you can go intercontinental.
What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
What happens during a census?
A man goes from door to door and increases the population.
Want to know how to become a millionaire?
Before going away to Hong Kong on an extended business trip, a man drove his Ferrari to a major down town Los Angles bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer naturally asked for some collateral.
The businessman offered up his Ferrari car keys and said he would repay the loan in two weeks. The loan office had the car driven into the bank’s underground car park and gave him his money in cash.
Two weeks later, as promised the man walked into the bank and asked to settle his loan and have his car back.
He paid the $5,000 plus $20 in interest by cheque and started to walk away to collect his car.
The loan officer stopped him. ‘ Excuse me sir, could I ask you a question?’ The man nodded.
‘While you away I checked the registration of the car and then googled you to discover that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?’
The man smiled. ‘Where else would I park my Ferrari safely in downtown Los Angeles for two weeks for only $20.
Thank you for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…..Sally