Smorgasbord Posts From Your Archives – Memoir Bytes: – The 10 Red Flags I Didn’t Pay Attention To – Domestic Abuse by D. G. Kaye

Memoir Bytes: – The 10 Red Flags I Didn’t Pay Attention To – Domestic Abuse by D. G. Kaye

Oh c’mon Deb, you never give a guy a chance,” my bestie Bri lectured on. “You have too many stipulations about dating before you let anyone into your life.”

I was managing an office for a PR firm when I met ‘him’. He’d drop by once a week to pick up work as a freelance editor, After five or six visits and a couple of flirty chats with ‘him’ he’d asked me out for dinner and I accepted,

‘He’ was somewhat handsome and at least gave some interesting conversation. He mentioned his failed marriage and almost had me feeling sorry for him. But as I am ever the skeptic, I always believed there are two sides to every story. It only took me a few more months to discover why he was most likely the ‘dumpee’.

We continued to date despite my nagging little doubts about things I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but my inner alarm system signaled something was amiss with this man, yet, my curiosity got the better of me. So I continued to date him. ‘His’ personality went from hot to cold – sometimes acting affectionate and sometimes downright mean – a streak I learned to fear.

Almost a year had passed and as so many of us do in life, I got complacent. I was in my early thirties when I had brainwashed myself into thinking this was the lot I was dealt, so I better make the best of it, instead of asking, Is this all there is? Don’t I deserve some of those tingly butterflies in my stomach when I’m kissed by the man I’m supposed to be loving?

Six more years went by I spent with ‘him’. In the earlier stages I had resolved myself to thinking that if I left, maybe I’d never get married. I settled for a roller coaster relationship. I thought I could ‘fix’ him. I thought nobody’s life is perfect. I learned to dance around his moods and fits of anger with great caution. After all, I’d made my choice. And like many other women in my situation – women who feel compelled to stay in toxic relationships, I thought I was stuck in that relationship for life.

It took a good few years until I realized myself, and with the constant badgering of friends and loved ones that I became a shadow of my former self. I became quiet, complacent, and had lost any self-esteem I’d worked so hard my whole life to build by allowing a man to demean, threaten and possess me. I would spend the last three years of that relationship making plans to get out of it. But finally I was free. It wasn’t as easy as just picking up and leaving as there became financial issues involved and threats I had to weigh out – would he make good on his word that if I tried to leave he’d make sure that nobody else would have me?

After my escape, I never felt fully free to talk about what went on in that relationship. When I did manage to escape, I was stalked for another two years. That feeling of being watched never goes away.

~~~

Many women in abusive relationships stay because they don’t see any alternatives, Some are reliant on their abuser’s financial aid and trade off freedom for captivity because of it. Some women are made to feel so worthless that they feel they are almost deserving of their situation. There are many reasons why women can’t seem to walk away, or run for their lives from toxic relationships. But there is always a way. When I finally got away, the concerns about my financial situation and how I was going to get by with the bills became the size of a raindrop when I compared it to how it felt to be alive and free. Doors do open. People who care will stand by and help us. There are also government programs and shelters to help women in these situations.

Red Flags to Pay Attention to Which are Unacceptable for a Healthy Relationship:

Being demeaned
Threats or blackmail
Uncomplimentary
Bossing around – making all the decisions, uncompromising
Raising a hand to you (even once is a flag of things to come)
No regard for your feelings or thoughts
Telling you what you can and cannot do
Making you feel insignificant
Criticizes everything you do
Apologizes, cries, begs you not leave and after, continues to do all of the above

There is no logical reason for remaining in an abusive relationship no matter what we think we are sacrificing if we leave. The only sacrifice is ourselves if we stay…..D.G. Kaye

©D.G Kaye 2018

About D.G. Kaye

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the reviews for Words We Carry

As a writer, I have immense respect for fellow writers who share their personal journeys and challenges with the sole intent to help ease the burdens of others. In Words We Carry: Essays of Obsession and Self-Esteem, Author D.G. Kaye not only shares her very personal journey to self-worth, she does so with an enlightened, grateful heart. Personally, I loved Kaye’s candid, engaging, and often times humourous writing style. This is an incredibly personal read and one that offers guided hope and encourages self-reflection.

Our lives are shaped by our experiences; every encounter, every moment holds the capacity to build us or break us. Our resiliency to endure and overcome, in large part, correlates with how we see ourselves, how we value our self-worth. Kaye doesn’t profess to be an expert on this topic; the value of this book lies in the authentic approach in which she shares her personal journey. Our self-esteem and personal acceptance are intrinsic to a life of fulfillment, a life of joy. Our ability to celebrate our unique qualities and embrace our imperfections is not a simple endeavour, but it is possible. Amazing things transpire from this inner peace, and this memoir is a testament to that truth. Kaye brilliantly shares her journey to self-love, her tenacious spirit shines bright, her words are an offering of hope for those who may be struggling to chart their own course. Her approach is genuine, her encouragement sincere. She is in your corner! A highly recommended high-star read! 

Read all the reviews and buy the books: http://www.amazon.com/author/dgkaye7

and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO

More reviews and follow Debby on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/dgkaye

Debby writes a monthly Travel Column for Smorgasbord and you can read her articles HERE

Connect to Debby Gies

Come and visit me at our Literary Diva’s Library group on Facebook

Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com
About me: http://www.wiseintro.co/dgkaye7
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/@pokercubster (yes there’s a story)
Linkedin: http://www.linkedin.com/in/dgkaye7
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/dgkaye
Google: http://www.google.com/+DebbyDGKayeGies
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/dgkaye
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/dgkaye7

My thanks to Debby for sharing another personal and heartfelt post from her archives, and as always she is very happy to answer your questions. Please share your thoughts with us. Thanks Sally.

Posts from Your Archives and the theme this time is all about family.

  1. Personal memories of childhood or teens that are still fresh in your mind.
  2. Family history, stories of your parents, grandparents and further back if you can.
  3. Fur family past and present.
  4. Favourite recipes.
  5. Memorable holidays.
  6. Places you have lived.
  7. Memorable homes you have lived in.
  8. Grandchildren tales.
  9. Any family related post – education, health, teen years, elderly care, lifestyle.
  10. Please remember that there are some younger readers who visit.

I think you get the idea.

The aim of this series is to showcase your blog and any creative work that you do from books, art, photography and crafts. You pick between one and four links to posts that you have written for your own blog from the day you started up to December 2018, and you simply send the link to those blogs to sally.cronin@moyhill.com

You have to do nothing more as I will capture the post and images from your blog and I will then post with full copyright to you.. with your creative work and your links to buy and to connect. I might sometimes need a little more information but I am quite resourceful in finding out everything I need.

So far in the Posts from Your Archives from September 2017, there have been over 700 posts from 200 + bloggers that have reached a different audience and encouraged more readers for their own blogs and current posts.

The only issue is the number of photographs and if there are more than five photographs in the post I will do a reblog rather than a separate post. (Media space)

Previous participants are more than welcome

31 thoughts on “Smorgasbord Posts From Your Archives – Memoir Bytes: – The 10 Red Flags I Didn’t Pay Attention To – Domestic Abuse by D. G. Kaye

  1. Thanks for sharing. I also was in a toxic relationship for too many years when I was very young. Another red flag I didn’t see on your list is that the toxic partner tries to cut you off from your friends and family (who might otherwise be a support system and encourage you to get out of the relationship).

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I can recognise all of this , may I add a couple.
    The careing helpful persona they present to the world.
    The way when you do stand up and say that they are controlling you. The deny completely and change history.
    The way they make out you are the bully and insinuate that to people.
    The way they strip your skills and confidence until you have none left.
    Even insisting on driving you everywhere until you feel unsure driving. … I could go on.
    Well done you for getting out .💜💜💜💜

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I really do think any woman can find herself in an – eventual – abusive situation. Many co-habit too quickly, caught up in the romantic/lustful situation, or just seeing the ‘dashing suitor’s’ best side. It’s said “You never know someone properly until you live with them,.” It must be a very demoralising situation to find yourself in. I admire many, like Debby, who didn’t stay around to be treated in an undeserved abusive manner. After all, we only have one life, so should make the best of it. Hugs xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • I quite agree Joy, even without children it is tough to make the decision, there are outside pressures, particularly when I was in that situation, that were quite adamant that you had made your bed and you should lie in it. Divorce in the 1970s was still frowned upon and especially when the man is so charming and only shows his other side behind closed doors. I cannot imagine what it must be like when you have young children and are totally dependent, it must be a nightmare. Thankfully there are many good men out there and we can only wish strength to the women in the grips of the other kind… hugsxxxx

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Pingback: Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – Jazz, Chicken Poop, Chopped liver, Old Age, Australia and Sheep farming! | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

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