Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – Friendships Keeping them Healthy

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D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – Friendships Keeping them Healthy

 

Friendships are the most sacred things we can have. Nobody knows us better than our closest friends – sometimes even better than family. And why is that? Because often, most people aren’t comfortable sharing their problems with families for various reasons.

Children may not wish to tell their parents some things because they may fear they’ll get in trouble for something they did or perhaps they’re embarrassed, or maybe even their secret is about a friend they don’t wish to get in trouble. In adulthood reasons may differ, such as: not wanting family to know they’ve failed at something, got in trouble somewhere, etc. But friends, friends are the ones we choose to share with what’s deep in our souls. Friends are the ones we chose to be friends with us because they accept us – broken fences and all, scars and all. They love us unconditionally. Friends support us through our ups and downs in life. We feel much freer to unburden our souls with friends sometimes more than with family.

Friends don’t judge us. Friends hug us when we need it, and friends understand us – sometimes even without words.

Friends are the family we choose. Friends are the ones we share our deepest, darkest thoughts with, our dreams and ambitions, problems and victories. If a friendship is true, there’s an unspoken respect – a code so to speak.

My Story

Even though I have gone through a ‘break-up’ of sorts with one of my two long-time best friends of 35 years, I still think about her. How could one not? Severing a long-time friendship is like a divorce. You miss the kinship and the support and the good times, and the loss of a good friend can break your heart. But, as I wrote in my first edition of this series, if we’ve exhausted all avenues of trying to mend a fence, maybe it’s time to part ways. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t honor the past, honor what we once had and shared, honor deep dark secrets not to be turned into ammunition to smear that person.

Of course, I’m not going to openly discuss what happened between us, but what didn’t happen between us was because of an unspoken respect for the past – for what we once had and shared. A code. In the 3 years we haven’t spoken, never a bad word has passed between us or from our lips. And I know this because like I wrote in my first edition, life is a circle, it’s a small world, once dirt starts flying on social media it can spread like a disease There have been no gossipy stories reported back from mutual friends, no secrets revealed from our pasts together. Because we both honor the friendship code – the respect for the friendship that was.

This honoring of friendships is a simple respect and correlates with – don’t burn your bridges, the old adage – some things are meant to be left sacred. What we don’t blab off about will never come back to haunt us. And another added benefit of practicing that advice is we also never know when a time could come that we mend fences with that old friend. No hateful words of anger to worry about coming back to bite us.

Sometimes when enough time has passed and old wounds heal, anything is possible. Hey, it happened to us once before – the same thing – a total misunderstanding of feelings at a very bad time, misconstrued. Yes, both times it involved my feelings and my sense of a lack of empathy on my friend’s part when I needed her most. That’s not something that can easily be repaired. I tried to convey my hurt, but she continued to deny she did anything wrong. I was overwhelmed with hurt, especially that I was her constant dumping ground for all the crap going on in her life. Eventually, we both silently walked out of each other’s lives. I do believe in time we’ll be destined to meet again and, if and when that happens and time has taught her why I walked away, once again, I will open my arms.

A recipe to keep friendship alive and well:

Stay honest and be there for emotional support when the tides are rough for each other. Reciprocate – friendship is give-and-take, celebrating the good times and supporting for the bad. Respect each other and the past you once shared. Communicate your feelings – especially if something is bothering you, keep the air clear. And laugh – shared laughter is a definite bond strengthener. These are some of the important components to a lasting friendship.

Of course, even friends have spats just as husbands and wives sometimes do on occasion even in the best of relationships. We’re all entitled to our feelings and opinions, and sometimes these opinions differ between friends. When difference of opinion or misunderstandings occur, we should be able to feel free with our friends to express our feelings on these issues, and we should also learn to discuss differences and maybe even sometimes just agree to disagree and let go and move on.

But if the issue has to do with an immediate concern in the friendship and something hurtful has been done without any apology or recognition, and you’ve voiced your concern with no resolution, you may have to re-evaluate that relationship as I had to. And it’s up to each individual who faces this dilemma to decide how much they will tolerate.

Good friends should be able to feel the freedom of being able to discuss and receive feedback from friends when it comes to being permitted to discuss concerns among each other. If there is a barrier in communicating with friends then it may also be time to revisit how you feel about that friendship, and quite possibly you may find you have ‘outgrown’ that relationship. Don’t allow the years you’ve committed to that friendship to be the deciding factor to remain. That would be like saying if you’re unhappy and abused in your marriage, but you’ve been married for so many years you just accept what it is. Don’t just accept. Clear the air, voice your feelings and concerns, and if nothing is computing on the other side, it may just be time to sever ties.

In my next issue here at the Smorgasbord, I’m going to be talking about signals, and diving deeper into severing ties, what to look out for and when it’s time to leave. I hope you enjoyed this edition of Realms of Relationships and will tune back in here next month!

©D.G.Kaye

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for Conflicted Hearts

Pete Springer 5.0 out of 5 stars A Compelling Read! Reviewed in the United States on February 2, 2020

D.G. Kaye shares the story of growing up with a self-centered and narcissistic mother and the effect that this took on her self-esteem. I felt as if I were a character in Kaye’s life as she details the struggles of living with a mother who was unable to love and nurture her.

It is not a book filled with rage, but one of a girl’s journey to find acceptance and love. The author is not without loving figures in her life; her father and aunt provide stability and love.

While dealing with a sad subject, Kaye’s story is also uplifting as she eloquently describes the health struggles that she and her husband endure. Their love is evident as they support each other through their challenges.

If you want a book that pulls no punches and shares the highs and lows that all of us can relate to, this is the one for you.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US

and: Amazon UK

More reviews and follow Debby: Goodreads

Connect to Debby Gies

Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer
About me: D.G. Kaye
MeWe: Debby Gies
Twitter: @pokercubster (yes there’s a story)
Linkedin: D.G. Kaye
Facebook: D.G. Kaye
Instagram: D.G. Kaye
Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

My thanks to Debby for taking on the challenge this year of exploring the complexity of relationships, and sharing strategies to improve the way we manage those important to us.  As always your feedback is very welcome.

105 thoughts on “Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – Friendships Keeping them Healthy”

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  3. A heartfelt post, Debby. For some reason, I’m really resonating with all your recent posts tonight. I just love how you are such a genuine and generous person, sharing your love and wisdom and being true to yourself. Great personality traits!

    While Mark and I are usually quite happy on our own – yes, our lifestyle allows for a lot of self-isolation – we truly enjoyed two phone calls today (very rare) with good sailing friends, one in Grenada and one in the Bahamas. Yes, we LOVE our friends, despite not needing to see anyone for long periods at a time. Hanging out with friends often leads to happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post! Yes, one cannot freely discuss knowledge others shared–especially what might have precipitated a rupture in a relationship. I probably have more female friends than males–that not despite nearly 40 years of a happy marriage but because of it. I’m not looking for romance or more. Happy just to engage in dialogue on subjects of mutual interest. From time to time, I might be entrusted with information that I hold tight–and hopefully vice versa. I don’t think there’s been any friendships lost, other than by distance apart. Now, of course, it’s countless web friends that I’ve never seen or spoken to in person. A new world.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks John. Like most of us, we are grateful for friends that we share common bonds. Many of us have made great friends online, which doesn’t make them any less friends because of distance. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Lovely to be here again, Sally, love your new column, Deb. I’m so sorry your long-term friendship broke up and the pain that came with it ❤ Some friendships drift as we all know, it's just part of life and often for no particulary reason, but the break up of a long-term friendship where history is shared is another realm. Sometimes, though, there really is nothing left but to part company, and being able to do that without dishing the dirt and keeping one another's integrity is the best you can do in the situation. No less hurtful, but you can hold your head high with every good reason 🙂 Big hugs, Deb…and big hugs to you, Sally…my lovely friends… 🙂 ❤ xxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Realms of relationships are blissful and friends are the most valued emotional anchors. Friends have to be judgmental Deb, as only they can tell us the realities that we like to ignore. If they soothe and provide solace, they have every right to criticize and warn us when we are about to step into muddy waters. My most precious friends are the ones whom are I met in school or college. True friends are those who accept us as we are. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Excellent advice, Debby. Kindness and non-judgment go a long way and here’s to love without expectation. The older I get the more I value what my Great Granny said (just like you do) ‘If you can’t think of something kind to say, keep quiet’ and my paternal Granny said that the older she got the more important her friendships became. My Mum and I are the best of friends and I treasure all my friendships, face to face and online. Kindred spirits are drawn together, no matter how they find each other. ❤ I love this series and 'Thank you' to you Debby, for your loving wisdom and to you, Sally, for your loving generosity. Here's to gallivanting girls, as I am sure we will one day. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • So glad you connect with this Jane, no doubts. You are blessed with your relationship with your mum. And it’s so true, kindred spirits do eventually find each other ❤ We value friendships more as we age because we've also reassessed them during the times we've weeded out those who contribute nothing to us by learning when they are emotionally unfulfilling. ❤ xx

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks, Debby, you are a special unicorn buddy. ❤ Do you find that relationships/connections break under the weight of expectations? The pressure doesn't allow for growth and change and it's biased towards what you can do, rather than who you are, I have found. There have been a few times when I have chosen to drop a match and watch the bridge burn. Much ❤ flowing to you, always. Xx

        Liked by 2 people

      • Simply put, when one side is doing all the giving, sharing, listening, going out of their way to accommodate a friendship without reciprocation, acknowledgment or gratitude from the other person, and discussing the issue doesn’t resolve, it’s pretty much time to drop the match or change your name to the ‘welcome mat’. Hugs back to you Uni Jane ❤ xxx

        Liked by 2 people

      • Yes, Debby, I felt that was what happened. She expected of you. Most unbalanced and wise of you to gently step back. Your loving Uni energy must be such a draw for folks in lack. Much ❤ flowing to you both, my lovely, always. ❤ Xx ❤

        Liked by 2 people

  8. I agree with every point, Deb. You’ve described why it is so hard to find good friends. I think ‘non-judgmental’ is at the top of my list. Live and let live.

    Liked by 2 people

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  11. You are so right in every way, Debby. I think you have innate psychology because your understanding of relationships and interpersonal skills are amazing. My closest friends are my mom, husband and siblings, but there are a few people in my life that I’ve grown to love and trust like family. They have no problems giving me tough love. Thanks for the great article. ❤ xo

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  13. Excellent advice, Deb! This is a subject that isn’t discussed enough. It can be so hard losing a close friend, especially ones we have a long past with. Friendships can become toxic, though, so there does come a time to let go.

    Recently, I had a falling out with a close friend (for the second time). It was not a fight or anything just a distance whereby she ignored my attempts to continue our connection. But the thing is, I had all these letters from her, full of personal confessions and it felt wrong to keep them. So, in honor of her privacy, I shredded them before discarding. I wasn’t going to ever read them again and I didn’t want them taking up space in my apartment, my home or my heart.
    Thanks for writing this post, Deb and for your sage advice.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Sal, thanks so much for the warm welcome back to my column here. I’m elated at the responses and honesty shared here in comments and happy to pass on my tips here on maintaining good relationships. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. All excellent points. This has happened to me as well and it hurts. I realize it takes two and perhaps I didn’t handle it well either. Freindship is so important to me. I once read, “A friend is somene who knows all about you, but likes you anyway.”

    Liked by 3 people

  18. A very insightful article, Debby – very thought-provoking. I really admire your attitude to your old friend – I think that one day you will be together again. Over the last three decades, I’m afraid that I haven’t paid enough attention to my friends – but that is about to change. Toni xx

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Like you, Debby, I lost a very dear friend (30 years ago), and all contact as well. It was a simple misunderstanding, a lack of communication skills. As the years passed I constantly sent positive signals hoping to open the door again but without the slightest response. It was hard but life moved on. I never felt anger, just sadness and loss. The lesson I learned was it’s all in the playing and we both played our roles badly and time, unknowingly, I know, now, the importance of having good communication skills and I try to put them to good use, but that comes with age and experience. The points you make are essential to help making friendships work and I am so glad that you share them with us. All the best to you. Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  20. I find these posts fascinating, Debby, as a person who has never had deep friendships such as you describe. I have always been a loner and my friendships have always been fairly superficial. My mom is my friend. I don’t think I could ever relate to other people in the way you describe in your articles although, interestingly enough, many, many people confide in me and I council them.

    Liked by 4 people

      • Hi Sally, blogging friendships are different. They are much more giving and sharing than many other friendships. Maybe because we are all striving towards a common goal and try to help each other along the way. I don’t disrespect friendship, I just don’t feel I’ve ever really had it with people in my day-to-day life. I always feel they think I am very strange with all my goals and passions.

        Liked by 1 person

    • That is so wonderful Robbie, your friendship with your mother – not all girls have that with their mothers. I think you may be surprised Robbie, you have such a great connection with your readers, and your children. And like you said, many come to confide in you. This demonstrates your strength as a nurturer, Perhaps these people gravitate toward you and your strength and kindness, and you may have an invisible guard up only allowing them so far into your life, possibly keeping people at bay to avoid allowing them to cross over into your personal space? ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • HI Debby, relationships with readers, bloggers and family are different to my understanding of “girl friends”. I assumed when you spoke about girl friends you mean people you go out for dinners with, have tea with and maybe have your nails done with. Lots of the ladies from the school do these things, but I never do. I love people and I enjoy chatting with them and I often know things about people that others don’t like how many children they have, but I don’t spend time doing girly things that seem to bring others a lot of pleasure. I am to serious.

        Liked by 2 people

  21. You make so many excellent points, Debby. I sincerely hope that you and your friend can mend your friendship. One thing that I would like to add to your list of qualities that friends bring us is the occasional kick in the butt when we need a good dose of honesty.

    Liked by 5 people

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