Welcome to the series where authors in the Cafe and Bookstore an extract from their most recent book. If you are in the Cafe, and would like to participate you can find all the details here: Share an Extract
Today’s author, D.G. Kaye (Debby Gies) will be very familiar to regular visitors to the blog as the long-term contributor to the blog with The Travel Column, D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020 and the twice weekly Laughter Lines.
The exract is from Debby’s most recent memoir Twenty Years After “I Do” : Reflections on Love and Changes Through Aging
About the book
May/December memoirs.
In this personal accounting, D.G. Kaye shares the insights and wisdom she has accrued through twenty years of keeping her marriage strong and thriving despite the everyday changes and challenges of aging. Kaye reveals how a little creative planning, acceptance, and unconditional love can create a bond no obstacle will break. Kaye’s stories are informative, inspiring, and a testament to love eclipsing all when two people understand, respect, and honor their vows. She adds that a daily sprinkling of laughter is a staple in nourishing a healthy marriage.
Twenty years began with a promise. As Kaye recounts what transpired within that time, she shows that true love has no limits, even when one spouse ages ahead of the other.
An extract from the memoir.
In this chapter, I’m talking about the familiarity of moments in silence, when we grow to understand a loved one so well, often words aren’t necessary.
Knowing
In his quietest moments, I can hear him thinking. He’s always thinking.
There’s no silence in Gordon’s head. Even while watching TV, his mind is busy spinning. His thoughts may be focused on anything from the customer who’s coming in tomorrow to an item he’s remembered to remind me to pick up at the grocery store—or, often, he’s thinking about me, some old memory he’ll feel compelled to remind me about.
Often when speaking to him, I’ll notice his concentration focused on something other than me. He’ll claim he’s listening to what I’m saying, but his attention is on something else within. I call it attention-span lapsing, not quite ADD but more like brewing an idea while in the midst of a separate conversation. These little moments used to drive me crazy in the early stages of our relationship because I felt as though he wasn’t paying attention to our conversation, but he was. He always did. I hadn’t yet learned how his mind worked.
I’ve had plenty of years to study my husband and can read his thoughts just by a certain look on his face, a silence between us, or sometimes from the first word of a sentence when he speaks. Even the manner in which he’ll call out my name prompts me to know what he’ll ask me. When he calls me Cubby with a higher pitch and an emphasis on the y sound, I know he’s in a jovial mood and eager to share good news or something funny. When he calls me Cub, I know he’s going to ask me a question or has something pressing on his mind he wants to share. Deb is reserved for his pissed-off moments.
We’ve always been so in tune with each other, spoken words or not. Many times, I’ll walk into his man cave, and he’ll be watching TV, not even noticing I’m there as he focuses with eyes glued on whatever he’s watching. I’ll announce myself after standing to his left with one of my usual smart-ass comments, “Earth calling,” and he’ll turn after I startle him, chuckling because he knows the thought police is on to him.
Based on whatever may be currently going on in our lives, I have a reasonable idea about what he may be dwelling on in his moments of silence. I’ll remind him he’s home now and it’s time to turn off his brain and relax. He’ll smile with that familiar twinkle in his blue eyes and once again ask how I always seem to know what he’s thinking. I don’t know how I know. I just do. After spending so much time together, we grow an inherent understanding of the silent language interpreted by eye contact, a lack of it, body language, silence, temperament, or sometimes even by the bang or the silent closing of a door.
The thought police in me is always on duty, ready to dissect Gordon’s brain. It’s become second nature. In this past year since Gordon’s health suffered, I have noticed how much more he likes to remind me about some of our best times we’ve shared. Sometimes I know he’s trying to get a rise out of me with laughter. Other times I can’t help but feel he’s thinking about his mortality. I don’t dwell on it, nor do I let him know I know what he’s thinking about.
Nobody ever wants to think about the end of existence. But trust me, as we age, we all have many of those days when we feel the hands of time ticking by. Gordon’s brushes with death have somehow opened the curtains of a window he never previously cared to look out of, a window he never talked about—one we’ve never talked about. But I know that window revealed to him how close the end almost came for him in the past year, causing him many pauses for thought. He doesn’t say so, but I know.
Once in a while, when Gordon breaks a silent moment between us and says in mere passing, “We’ve been together twenty years,” I know where his brain goes. I never ask him to elaborate on where those thoughts come from, but I know when he’s in a reflective mood, when he feels the urge to relive tender moments, when he’s fearing his mortality. In those exact moments, I know.
One of the reviews for the book
Twenty Years: After “I Do” is an autobiographical non-fiction book about the author’s experience with marriage and relationships. I’ve previously read another of her autobiographies about her relationship with her mother, and it was such an emotionally charged and well-written book, I decided to keep reading more from her every few months until I caught up on all her works.
In this one, Debby tells us what happened almost twenty years ago when she debated whether to marry the man who is now her husband. Given he was twenty years older, she had a lot of decisions to consider when it came to how her life would change. At the core of this book, and her approach to life, is her commitment and honesty in all that she achieves. Debby knew… if she married him, she would have to accept all that came with it in the future. From there, she dives into key aspects of married life: emotions, sex life, personal time, separation of couple and individual, fighting, decision-making, and death. Lessons we all need to consider.
Debby’s writing style is simply fantastic. It’s easy to devour in a short sitting, but it always makes you feel like part of her life. She openly shares so much (the good, the bad, and the ugly) while holding back in all the appropriate areas to allow for proper balance, e.g. we learn about the impacts to her sex life when one partner is ill but she doesn’t go into the details. She tells us how she and her husband tackled the issues from a day-to-day perspective and moved on… because they loved one another (to the moon and back).
There is a refreshing honesty and truth in her words, and readers will quickly find themselves a path to compare their own lives to that of the author’s. What have I done well? What could I do better? What needs to change? Excellent questions to consider, but Debby doesn’t directly tell us to do this–her actions show us why this is at the core of a good marriage. I’m thrilled I had the chance to read this one today. Although I’ve only been with my partner for 8 years, it’s easy to track where things are and what we could do differently.
Debby bravely tells us her story, allowing us to interpret for ourselves what everything means, especially in this ever-changing world where people live longer and have access to more things but it’s harder to get them. I highly recommend this book to nearly anyone in a relationship, or those who want to know how to handle one when they are. Debby shares a few secrets, some hints, and a few suggestions to consider. It’s not just for newbies or long-term couples… there’s a bit of everything for how to co-exist and still be who you are. Great work!
Read the reviews and buy the memoir: Amazon US
And: Amazon UK
Books by D.G. Kaye
Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US
and: Amazon UK
More reviews and follow Debby: Goodreads
About Debby Gies
Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.
D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.
When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.
Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”
“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”
When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.
Connect to Debby Gies
Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – About me: D.G. Kaye –
Twitter: @pokercubster – Linkedin: D.G. Kaye
Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye
Thanks for dropping in and if you are an author in the Cafe and Bookstore and would like to promote your most recent books then please check out the post: Share an Extract
A lovely memoir written from the heart. I enjoyed reading this book very much.
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I agree Stevie.. one of my favourites xx
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I’m humbled Sal ❤
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♥
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I’m truly honored Stevie 🙂 xx
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Terrific excerpt. My wife and I have been together for 27 years and have a similar age profile as Debby and Gordon. I was struck by the similarity in decision making prior to pulling the “I do” trigger. My thoughts were always in a protective mode. I just didn’t want my love to be stuck with an old man who required a lot of care. I got talked out of that with statements along the line of “The decisions relating to my future happiness are not really yours to make.” So here we are. Thanks for sharing the book, Sally.
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I agree John that there are concerns, but clearly your wife, as with Debby are women who know their own hearts and minds and a clear vision of the meaning of true love. hugs xx
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I believe you hit the nail on the head.
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♥
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Thanks so much for sharing of yourself John. I know feel I’m not alone ) and I’m thrilled to know things are also working out just fine. I remember back in those days of decision an old adage hung over my head – “It’s better to have loved for a short time, than to never have loved at all.” (something like that) 🙂
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It is true, Debby. 😊
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❤
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I so enjoyed this book. What a lovely extract, full of love and tenderness, and the intimacy that comes with the years together. Beautiful writing from Debby and a wonderful share, Sally.
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Thanks Diana.. it is a lovely book and true love cannot be defined by age. xxx
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True dat Sal ❤
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♥
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Thank you Diana. Your comment was so uplifting to me ❤
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A fabulous share Sally. Deb has put so much emotion into this book that each couple can relate to her thoughts. 🙂
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Thanks so much Balroop. That beautiful review Sally shared, really got the essence of my book, especially the part about my writing – I don’t write to tell others what to do. I write to share my experiences and how I handle the dark moments with the light, all the while hoping others can take something from it. ❤
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Quite Balroop, whatever the age difference.. if the love is strong, that does not matter.. xx
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Sally, thank you so much for featuring me here today with my tribute book to keeping the marriage thriving despite what life surprises us with. ❤ xx
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Always a pleasure Debby and let’s face it, in our modern world we need all the help we can get ♥
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No kidding, especially in isolation times for some of those couples who may be at each other in frustration ❤
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♥
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I wrote a 5-star review on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R11RE93V2VOM6Q/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B077V386TL
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Great Marian and thank you for adding your recommendation..hugs
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Thank you so much Marian for sharing your beautiful review here for my book. Humbled. ❤
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A wonderful review for a beautiful story. Congrats to Debby ❤
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Thanks Jacquie..hugsx
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Thanks so much Jacquie ❤
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This is such an intensely moving and powerful extract. I love the writing style and the way every emotion contained in it played out in my mind. That’s a gift, Debby. My TBR list has just been added to. 😊
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Thanks Soooz..hugs
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Awe Soooz, thank you so much for your most lovely comment. I’m so humbled. I am what I write, and it’s always heartening to hear when someone gets my words. Thanks so much Soooz! ❤
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I’m planning on curling up in my warm bed and indulging myself with it and a cup of hot chocolate. Winter in Oz is a great time to read.
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I’m elated. I do hope you enjoy it Soooz. Lol, hard for me to visualize winter in our summer heat wave. ❤
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I’ll send you some of my chilling weather if you can have Amazon deliver a blast of that warmth. ❤
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LOL, I’m feeling a little stingy since we only just starting warming up a few weeks now but I can afford a blast. LOL ❤
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😎Received with thanks. Ah, that’s much better. 😁
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LOL ❤
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The love, understanding and empathy comes across so clearly in this beautifully written extract and the reviewer sees it too. Truly touching.
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Thanks so much Trish (A), Nothing is sweeter to an author’s ears than knowing what she conveys is being received. I’m touched. ❤
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I loved the book Trish.. life and love affirming.. hugsx
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What a beautiful, heartwarming excerpt. I’m such a fan of Debby’s writing style. It’s unique in how familiar and intimate it is. I always feel as if we were sitting on a cozy sofa, drinking a hot beverage and she’s telling me about her life. I love it❣️
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She will be delighted to hear that Vashti.. thanks ♥
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❤
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Wow, comments like this make writing worthwhile. Thank you so much Vashti for your most beautiful words. Truly touched ❤ ❤
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❤ xo
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Having read a couple of Debby’s other books, I know it’s just a matter of time until I get around to reading this one. My wife and I are approaching thirty-four years together (My wife likes to tell me thirty-seven because she includes the dating years), and marriages do change over the years. What relationships don’t? I’m eager to read some of Debby’s wisdom.
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They do evolve Pete and whilst we think we are all individuals, there are many aspects that are played out in every relationship.. it is helpful to find out how others work through them..xx
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Thanks so much Pete. Lol my hubby likes to add the dating years in too. 😉
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A really great one. I think a lot of people will need and love the advices. I think i know some. 😉 Will roll the drums too. Michael
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Thanks Michael.. Debby will be very pleased to hear that. Relationships are complex especially when they are expected to last a lifetime.. hugs
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To be married for five years is actually seen as a long time. 😉
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Lol we have become a bit of a throw away society! hugs
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Thats true. Wait on Amazon with a new branch of dating. 😉 Our regional newspaper has similar since four years. Now you can look for a job, a partner and goods.
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I would think it should come with free delivery! hugs
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Lol Returning could become very expensive. I remember some of my former schoolfriends, in love with women from Asia. It was clear that someone from Asia would not last long here in the wilderness of Bavaria. They had to pay for the return flight. That has been a lesson to them to this day.
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oops.. I would say that would be a cultural barrier…plus everything lost in translation.. sad though for those looking for long term love. xx
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True, but coming from heaven you cant live in hell. 😉
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Aw, thanks so much Michael – for the comment and banging the drums! 🙂
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Always a great pleasure to me Debbie! Enjoy your weekend, and the upcoming week.
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Thanks so much, and wishing you the same. 🙂
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Thank you Debbie. Very kind of you!
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🙂
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😉
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Wonderful…
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Thanks Jim..x
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I enjoyed this extract from your book, Debby. I agree with the review that reading your books is like sitting down with you, listening to your honest sharing from your heart.
Thank you, Sally for this post.
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Thank you Miriam..hugsx
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You’re welcome, Sally. ❤
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Aw, thanks so much Miriam. I’m truly humbled when I hear that from readers. ❤
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