Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives -#NewSeries – ‘Pot Luck’ – #PersonalPower #Standards by Toni Pike

Since this series began in January 2018 there have been over 1000 Posts from Your Archives where bloggers have taken the opportunity to share posts to a new audience… mine. The topics have ranged from travel, childhood, recipes, history, family and the most recent series was #PotLuck where I shared a random selection of different topics.

In this series I will be sharing posts from the last six months of 2020

It is an opportunity to showcase your writing skill to my readers and also to share on my social media. Which combined is around the 46,000 mark. If you are an author your books will be mentioned too, along with their buy links and your other social media contacts. Head over to find out how to participate: Posts from Your Archives 2021

The first author and blogger to kick of the new series is Toni Pike with one of the posts from her series about authenticity, validation, self-belief and personal power

This is a series about authenticity, validation, self-belief and personal power.

Previously, I talked about values and living your truth – and that means living according to your own core values in every aspect of your life. This article is about standards – and next time I’ll be talking about boundaries.

The role of standards and boundaries

An important part of establishing your values and living your truth is not just thinking about your own behaviour. It’s also about what you’re willing to accept from other people. That doesn’t mean you have to make everyone else conform to your values. I’m referring to having a firm set of standards for what you will and won’t accept in your life.

If your core values, like mine, include honesty, kindness, loyalty and respect – then you won’t be living your truth if you allow people to treat you in another way. Having standards for other people that match your values will help you to live your truth.

Boundaries are the tools you use to enforce your standards. Just like a medieval town surrounded by a thick wall, having strong boundaries means that you can keep out those things and people that don’t match your values.

Standards and strong boundaries are two of the biggest secrets to living your truth.

Standards

Our standards should apply to all the people in our lives, including colleagues, family and friends. They apply in our workplace, and also to our partners, any potential partners, our children and parents.

I now realise my standards were very ill-defined for most of my life and my boundaries were as weak as tissue paper. I’ve recently tried to change that, and wanted to share my new standards with you. I’d love to know what you think.

My Standards

  • I will only accept being treated with decency, kindness and respect.
  • I won’t trust anyone that I know is a liar
  • I won’t tolerate, or make excuses for, anyone else’s toxic behaviour.

That includes behaviour such as:

  • verbal abuse or rage
  • frequent or constant criticism, or barrages of criticism
  • trying to make me feel that I’m always doing something wrong
  • trying to invalidate, demean, or belittle me
  • trying to make me feel as if I’m unimportant
  • treating me as if I’m invisible – ignoring me or giving me no attention
  • manipulating and gaslighting me (trying to alter my perception of reality)
  • refusing to discuss any issues of concern or answer legitimate questions
  • refusing to be accountable for their own behaviour
  • blaming their own behaviour on me (shifting blame)
  • being cruel and/or uncaring
  • using the silent treatment
  • using circular arguments and/or deliberately trying to confuse me
    lying to me
  • playing verbal games such as pretending not to hear or understand me, interrupting, stamping on my speech, not responding, or criticising my speech.

Standards for a potential partner – If I was thinking about dating, I would only be interested in someone who:

  • is not involved in any other relationship
  • is reliable in all their dealings with me, such as contacting me and sticking to arrangements
  • shows a genuine interest in getting to know me, my interests, background and character
  • is interested in my friends and family
  • takes me out and treats me properly
  • is trustworthy and loyal
  • is kind, caring, supportive and thoughtful
  • is interested in and supportive of me and my goals
  • treats me with respect
  • has good manners
  • is willing to discuss any issues with a view to resolving them and is accountable for their own behaviour
  • is able to apologise
  • never engages in any form of toxic behaviour (as described previously in my general standards)

Having thought about my standards, I now know exactly what I’m willing to accept in my life.

Have you thought about your standards? I’d love to hear about them.

Here are my other articles in this series:

  1. Validate Yourself – and Transform Your Life
  2. Become Your Own Best Friend
  3. Don’t Give Your Power Away
  4. Your Values and Living Your Truth
  5. Having Boundaries – for healthy relationships

©Toni Pike 2020

Toni Pike is a multi-genre author who enjoys writing exciting thrillers for adults, non-fiction, and hilarious books for children. She also loves travelling and being with family and friends. She lives in Australia and firmly believes that coffee and long walks are an essential part of any day.

Do you like books that you can’t stop reading? Pike is the author of DESOLATION BLUFF, DEAD DRY HEART and The Jotham Fletcher Mystery Thriller Series: THE MAGUS COVENANT, THE ROCK OF MAGUS, THE MAGUS EPIPHANY and HOLY SPEAR OF MAGUS. Her latest release is for children aged 6-9: BRODY CODY AND THE STEPMOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE.

She’s also the author of two non-fiction books. THE ONE WAY DIET is a no-nonsense guide to losing weight and coping with the journey. HAPPY TRAVELS 101 is a short book of travel tips with great advice for anyone who wants to travel overseas.

Books by Toni Pike

One of the recent reviews for Desolation Bluff

D. W. Peach 5.0 out of 5 stars Quick and thrilling read  Reviewed in the United States on December 4, 2020

Oliver is a successful romance writer and happy newlywed. His wife, Vanessa, is his writing assistant, and his best friend Ray handles promotion. But Oliver is also blind, and what he doesn’t see is the way Vanessa and Ray roll their eyes at him and touch each other’s hands across the table. Then a freak accident returns Oliver’s sight. Before he can tell the two most important people in his life about the miracle, he discovers them in the throes of passion. His ability to see becomes his secret, and the tables turn.

The characters started off a touch flat for me, but they didn’t stay that way for long. As soon as Oliver gets his sight back, things get very interesting, very fast. Oliver is quite crafty and when a distant relative, Ferris, shows up at Oliver’s estate, she joins in the scheming. Things escalate like crazy and grow out of everyone’s control. The pace is great and the plot well-conceived.

The characters are varied and interesting, all of them flawed. Even Vanessa and Ray, despite their deceptions, don’t seem to start out with murderous intentions. And Oliver, in many ways the victim, makes vengeful choices with disastrous results. This book is a quick read that I polished off in a morning. Recommended for anyone who enjoys thrillers.

Read the reviews and buy Toni’s books: Amazon US – And : Amazon UK –  Follow Toni:Goodreads – Website: Toni PikeTwitter: @piketoni

 

Thank you for joining us today and I know that Toni would love to receive your feedback. Next time on February 15th, another of Toni’s personal power posts.

 

 

43 thoughts on “Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives -#NewSeries – ‘Pot Luck’ – #PersonalPower #Standards by Toni Pike

    • Thanks Barbara.. I think it is about perspective to be honest.. in my first marriage for seven years in my 20s to an older man, that list of behaviours was pretty much spot on. I was very young and it certainly resulted in a very different examination of my motives and also red flags in relationships following that experience. I also think that they are a good place to start and yes some might be softened slightly depending on the circumstances but none of them are material criteria which some men and women seem to view very highly… xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Barbara, I agree – I’m certainly setting the bar high, and one of my goals in that trying is to identify red flags. When i was younger, my boundaries were as weak as water, and I ignored them. The result was disastrous. Toni x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I remember reading Toni’s excellent post before. Standards online seem to be so much lower for some people, but not usually with blogging. Isn’t that interesting? Toni’s phrase, “My boundaries were as weak as tissue paper,” is the perfect way to express that sentiment.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Excellent advice from Toni. Looking through her list of toxic behaviours reminds me of a toxic friendship – well, I guess not a friendship if it was toxic – in my past. It took me a long time to understand why I always felt unhappy after spending time with this particular person. I wouldn’t take so long to walk away again.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Pingback: Smorgasbord Cafe and Bookstore – Weekly Round Up – 31st January – 6th February 2021 – 1960s Music, Bloggers, Book Reviews, Hormones, Shortstories, Slowcooking and Funnies | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

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