Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – February 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp

Posted on February 5, 2021 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Misprint…

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript so the new monk goes to the old abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “we have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held.

The archives are in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot,
so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R!; We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “what’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,—–

“the word was …. . ..celebRate!!!”

And finally…..

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
• 6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.
• Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
• 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
• 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.
• 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.
• 249 to post memes and gifs (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
• 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
• 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
• 12 to post F.
• 8 to ask what F means.
• 16 to post ‘Following’ but there are 3 dots at the top right that means you don’t have to.
• 3 to say “can’t share”
• 2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”
• 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
• 15 People to post “I can’t see bugger all” and use their own light bulbs.
• 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “bugger”
• 4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.
• 13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.
• 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
• 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
• 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
• 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again…….

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp