Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Host Sally Cronin – We are all going to the dogs!

Hopefully something to get your weekend off to a good start with some canine shenanigans….have fun.

A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.

There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.

Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.

‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’

Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.

Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…

‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.

After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.

‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.

 

An old fella was chasing the local girls and one of the nosey neighbours took it upon herself to tell his wife.

‘It doesn’t worry me,’ said the wife. ‘He can chase girls all he wants to. After all dogs chase cars. I’ve never seen a dog catch one and I doubt if they could drive one if they did’.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
9:30 am – oh boy! a car ride! my favourite!
9:40 am – oh boy! a walk! my favourite!
10:30 am – oh boy! a car ride! my favourite!
11:30 am – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
12:00 noon – oh boy! the kids! my favourite!
1:00 p.m. – oh boy! the yard! my favourite!
4:00 p.m. – oh boy! the kids! my favourite!
5:00 pm – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
5:30 pm – oh boy! mom! my favourite!

day number 181

8:00 am – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
9:30 am – oh boy! a car ride! my favourite!
9:40 am – oh boy! a walk! my favourite!
10:30 am – oh boy! a car ride! my favourite!
11:30 am – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
12:00 noon – oh boy! the kids! my favourite!
1:00 p.m. – oh boy! the yard! my favourite!
1:30 p.m. – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 p.m. – oh boy! the kids! my favourite!
5:00 pm – oh boy! dog food! my favourite!
5:30 pm – oh boy! mom! my favourite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752 –

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 –

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 –

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 –

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 –

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.”

Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 –

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

 

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. have a great weekend… Sally.