I know that many of you already know that D.G. Kaye’s husband has been diagnosed with advanced cancer and is now home with her. Whilst her focus in on G’s care and well-being, Debby is still visiting blogs, share posts and connecting with her friends in the writing community when she has some time to spare. Very important to have that small window of outside interaction when you are a full-time carer.
Debby is working on her next Realm of Relationship Column but rather than have the pressure of a deadline, we thought we might share the first posts of the series which began in January 2020 every Monday to bring new readers to the blog up to speed
Welcome to the first post in the series The Realms of Relationships. When Sally suggested I might like to write on this topic I was elated as all my books are about things I experienced in life, and I’m delighted to share my insights here with you all. Now don’t worry, you won’t be finding any psycho-babble here, just plain English from a lifetime of experience.
I’ve been a storyteller since I was a young child – never a fibber – not that kind of storytelling. Whenever I’d heard or ‘overheard’ something when I was young, knowing I wasn’t supposed to be privy to, of course I had to tell someone what I’d heard. I hadn’t yet learned that by not telling all, it was easier to earn trust. By the time I was 10 years old, I was solid. Anyone could tell me anything and my lips were and still are sealed. I pride myself on not being a tattler or a rat and learned to keep my observations to myself.
I was an observer of people, and I didn’t have to look much further than my own family’s behavior to learn what makes people tick. What makes some people angry and some always singing? What kinds of things have I experienced to learn the warning signs of trouble? These are just some of the topics I’ll get into, sharing from my own experience, some of the emotions, and how we react to the different relationships we have with people.
Then I’ll add an experience of my own on the topic to validate my findings. And of course, I look forward to discussion in comments.
So, let’s begin. Today’s topic we’ll start with communication. In order to make and maintain healthy relationships and keep them flourishing, not fizzling, respectful communication is essential. It isn’t just our words, but our body language we emote through our gestures, just as our silences do, the vibe we give off. A shrug denotes indifference, just as hands do waving in the air. And let’s not forget ‘a look’. Hey, I grew up with a stern mother. One scary certain look from her and I knew I’d better run for cover. A slammed door tells another story of frustration just as shouting and belittling of others does.
The old saying, ‘all is fair in love and war’ is cynical. Love isn’t always fair and there’s never anything good about war. We must learn diplomacy when faced with unpleasant situations because we don’t want to leave something hurtful behind from our voice or actions that becomes a future wedge between us and the people we’re upset with. Ranting and raving and throwing around hurtful words never helps any situation. Sure, they can be very cathartic in the short-term, but what about long-term repercussions long after the dispute? We must avoid fanning the flames in already heated moments to preserve our relationships. Even if this dispute becomes large enough that we wish to banish that person from our life or circles – don’t burn your bridges, translation: no bad-mouthing.
Nobody wants to be made to feel that they are small or insignificant by words of anger and it doesn’t serve to resolve anything except escalate an already inflammatory situation. There’s always a graceful way out. Creating bad blood has a tendency to follow us into the future. Life is a circle and we’re apt to meet up with those we’ve banished or bashed somewhere in life again, often unexpectedly – and that’s exactly it – you never know where or when. It could be through meeting other people, a job interview, an introduction to a friend who may be friends with the one you’ve banished or angered. Keep it simple and clean with a break, so those ugly repercussions don’t show up when you least expect them. And be very careful about sharing your hurt feelings on social media because that’s like pouring kerosene and lighting a match to the problem once hurtful words are spread around the cyberverse.
We must learn to convey our grievances with friends and loved ones with honesty and sincerity, explaining what is bothering us and discussing. And believe me, I know very well that some people will never learn to contain their tongues or emotions. If we’ve made the effort to discuss and are faced with the same indignation and screaming match that’s probably a sign it’s time to walk away. Sometimes silence is the healthiest answer. If we’re living under the same roof with the person we’re in conflict with, we need to take a step back, take time to sort our thoughts before we speak.
Once hurtful words are spoken, we can never take them back. If we have good relationships at home and conflict arises, a timeout gives both parties a time to reflect. Once some time has passed and the anger of the heated moment passes, it’s much easier to discuss the issue at hand. A good tip to remember is – speak without shouting or accusing. Don’t point a finger at that person and tell them what we feel they did or said wrong. Speak about your feelings, speak about what you feel has hurt you about the situation to inform the other party about what you are feeling. Nothing will ever get resolved in anger. Remember, don’t try and be logical and problem solving in the heated moment. Take that step back and let the silence cool the embers before attempting to resolve.
Similarly, if we’re conflict with a friend or co-worker, the same distance is suggested. Our relationships with loved ones and relationships with friendships outside the home can be dealt with in the same manner. But if those outside friendships have suffered familiar ongoing issues, and you are faced with a less than agreeable opponent willing to make amends or uninterested in rectifying a situation, that should be a huge flag for us to think about moving on.
Only honest discussions and having respect for other’s feelings can offer healthy solutions with minimal fallout. Using best efforts to eliminate hard feelings or scars when communicating our feelings and gripes can seem trying in the moment of conflict. Also, by not discussing our grievances and by just tolerating the issues that bother us isn’t healthy either. These issues left unattended to will only grow within us, eventually, festering and building a growing resentment for the offending person, which can become a forever wedge in the relationship if left to stew internally and not discussed. Carrying slights and unresolved grievances within us is a recipe for unhappiness. We must try to salvage issues with honest discussion. If we can’t find it in ourselves to confront the one we have issue with, we then have to find a peace within ourselves, acknowledging that we’ve tried our best to rectify to no avail, and make a decision to move on.
We must remember that every good relationship is good because we nurture it by being kind and compassionate, listening, communicating, giving and taking, and most of all respect. When we begin to feel someone stops having time for us, isn’t interested in what we have to say, is not giving back of themselves or displays no interest trying to resolve ongoing issues, it may just be time to leave.
All the above elements in a relationship are the parts we must nurture to keep them solid. This is the work I refer to. I use the word work, but we can easily replace it with effort. If we don’t put in the effort to maintain good relationships, we can’t expect them to last. Simple as that.
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Later on in this series I’ll delve into some specific relationships we have with people – parents, spouses, friends, children, etc., and talk about what makes them good, warning signs, and steps and actions to take to avoid unpleasant occurrences in our relationships and how to deal with them..
My PHD is life, and my life has been a quite colorful one to say the least when it comes to my life experiences. I grew up as a very insecure, emotionally scarred little girl. My childhood and teenage years were spent observing. I began reading self-help books in efforts to make some sense of my slights in life and trying to better myself and my self-esteem. I did some crazy things along the way, to say the least, but I didn’t really have any teachers, only the will to learn, the desire to feel better about myself, my compassion for others, and the things I witnessed from a young age that children should not have to witness. I wrote a book about some of those things I witnessed, learned and experimented with to help better myself and grow a self-esteem – Words We Carry.
My thanks to Debby for laying out the ground rules for effectively communicating in relationships and I hope you will join us again next Monday.
Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.
D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.
When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”
“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”
When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.
Books by D.G. Kaye
One of the recent reviews for Words We Carry
What starts with the author’s explanation of why she wrote the book: namely to share negative experiences and obstacles in which self-esteem issues and insecurities when faced and dealt with blossom to learning self-love; this is a remarkable revolutionary read. One I wish I would have read in my earlier teen years when I struggled with my own self-esteem issues. Self-perception baggage from wounded egos, what weighs us down, fester and damage the soul the author writes. So true.
This is so well written that it’s not just an enlightening educational tool but a wonderful read from a woman not afraid to show her underbelly, huge heart, and she does it with much authenticity and talent. I resonated with so much of what she wrote in these enlightening pages, but what stands out the most is how I slid down the rabbit’s hole due to my desire to want to belong, to socially fit. I suppose all of us who relate to this unfolding have a personal story of our own. Mine was rooted in a family dynamic that made it difficult for me to have friends to my home and consequently I missed out on social bonding that helps develop a strong sense of self. It wasn’t until later in life, in high school and university, that I encountered warm satisfying friendships. By then the damage was done.
I just wish I had this book in my earlier years to have helped my younger, more formative self. Thankfully, it’s never too late to unwind wounds and deepen self-love, which is another thing I found from this beautifully powerful read. In summation, let me say I am grateful I had this recommended to me by a friend, someone whose words I respect. This gem of a book did not disappoint. Highly recommend.
Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US – and: Amazon UK – follow Debby: Goodreads – : Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – Twitter: @pokercubster – Linkedin: D.G. Kaye – Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye
Thank you for joining us today and Debby would love to hear from you and she will respond to your comments when she is able. thanks Sally.