Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
Words of Wisdom
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Whatever you do, don’t sell that cow.”
Inflight Service
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her ‘guide’ dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’ The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.’
NOW Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a ‘guide’ dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story… Have a great day and remember...THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
And to end.. a couple of snippets…
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed.”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
*****
I was in town earlier and I saw my mate’s sister busking playing the mouth organ in the Shopping Centre.
I told him I’d seen her and he said “Ah yes,….”
” ….that’ll be our Monica”
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
One of the recent reviews for The Story That Had No Beginning
This book is an interesting and complex story about twins, Tom and Alice Collins, who enter the foster care system at a young age and are raised separately. The book starts with Alicia Collinson, aka Alice Collins, and her sophisticated boyfriend hosting two friends for a dinner party. Unknow to the dinner participants, the ghost of her brother Tom, known as Bobby Brown among his peer group, is also in attendance. It is obvious from the start that Alicia is a woman of good financial circumstances who mingles with the elite of London’s society. It also becomes evident quite early on, that Tom’s life has followed a very divergent path and he was a member of the mafia-styled criminal class.
The book follows the paths of the twins and how they come to end up in their different circumstances and lifestyles. Alicia is a well-know and talented photographer who owns her own home in London and has plenty of money. Tom has money, albeit ill gotten, but he dies the death of a criminal.
Tom is a conflicting character as he is a man involved in high class prostitution and other shady and illegal dealings. Despite being a seasoned criminal, his narration of the story reveals a different side to his character. One that questions the life he lived and celebrates the good fortune and success achieved by his sister.
Alice or Alicia has the great good luck to become the protegee of a wealthy single woman with no children who effectively adopts her and sets her on the road to success in her chosen field of photography. Unknown to the naïve Alicia, her benefactor isn’t everything she appears to be and some of the people she socialises with are infamous for their continuous promiscuous behaviour with the same, or the opposite, sex. In a contrast to her brother, Tom, who is in the centre of the debaucherous lifestyles led by the wealthy upper classes of London, Alicia hovers around the edges, not realising what is right in front of her.
The author has an in-depth knowledge of the illicit behaviour of the British upper class and paints a detailed picture of how greed, selfishness and a complete disregard for the values and ethics of society lead to the downfall of people.
This book will make you question what success is all about and whether it leads to contentment as the stories of the many characters unfold. This is thought provoking tale as despite the huge difference in the siblings financial and social positions, both of them end up with money but neither of them have good reliable partners or simply and happy lives.
Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally
My luck that would be my first (and last) flight! lol
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hilarious.. loved it..hugs Happy Easter Jacquie…♥
LikeLiked by 2 people
Didn’t get the dalmatian one for a few seconds… ! Brilliant xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lol.. great thanks Alex..hugsx
LikeLiked by 1 person
The one about the mother superior is very funny to this girl who attended a convent for many years.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can imagine Robbie.. they certainly ruled the roost over here until very recently..hugsx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Another great review, by Robbie! Thank you for mentioning this, and also the laughter. Wisdom of Mother Superior, and this T-Shirt. Lol Enjoy both a wonderful Easter weekend! Michael
LikeLiked by 2 people
Excellent!
LikeLiked by 2 people
The Mother Superior story was priceless. Thanks, Danny and Sally.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks John glad to give you some smiles… have a lovely weekend.. hugsx
LikeLiked by 2 people
You as well, Sally
LikeLiked by 1 person
I loved these, thanks Sally and Daniel for the laugh out loud moments.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s great to hear Carla.. thank you and enjoy the holiday weekend..x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you So Much Sally!!! I needed a good laugh!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Great to hear Hector..hugsx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laugh out loud and repeat to husband territory for these!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Great thanks Liz.. Danny finds the best…xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
He certainly has a knack for it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lol. Thanks for the laughs, Daniel, and thanks for sharing Sally. I’m rather fond of that cow myself. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Definitely a superior nightcap…thanks Diana..hugsx
LikeLiked by 2 people
I actually made myself one last night. Ha ha. It was great.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sure you slept soundly..hugsx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the guy’s t-shirt, especially high mileage and exhaust problems.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Comes as standard I think when a model gets that old lol…xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good laughs, Danny and Sally. I particularly liked Mother Superior. Have a wonderful Easter. Hugs
Reblogged on Improvisation – “The Art of Living”
https://williampriceking.tumblr.com/
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks William glad you enjoyed.. and thanks for sharing on Tumblr.. Happy Easter too..hugsx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up 28th March – April 3rd 2021 – Absent Friends, 1960s Music, Communication, | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine
Thank you, Sally, for your tireless support. You are certainly one generous lady. My thanks to everyone who read this article and my sincere thanks to all who took the time out of their day to add a comment in the feeback. I’m delighted you all enjoyed it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always happy to pass along the humour Danny…hugs xx
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Daniel Kemp and commented:
Have a laugh at the Open Mic Night on the Smorgasbord Laughter Lines hosted by Sally Cronin, a wonderful, generous lady.
LikeLike
took me a second to get the Dalmatian one…
and that cow would be worth a fortune…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It would Jim.. they are a special Irish breed..lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
#OnlyInIreland 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Quite…xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love the laughs, especially the vintage husband for sale.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jennie I am open to offers..hugsx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha! 😅
LikeLiked by 1 person
These were hilarious! I needed a laughter break. Thanks, Daniel and Sally!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good to hear Jan…have a good week..hugsx
LikeLike