Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
By Royal Appointment
Two Aussie outback chaps, Bluey and Curly, see some jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk along beside her carriage.
Bluey says “Hey, we’d be set for life if we snatched them jobs, eh Curley ?”
So they decided to apply.
They eventually get flown over to London and have a direct interview with Her Majesty.
The Queen says to them “Because my footmen must wear small shoes and long white stockings, I must see your ankles, to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen, as it is very important that they look right.”
After they show her their ankles and she is satisfied that they have shapely ankles, the Queen says “Now it is also important that you don’t have knobbly knees, because they show through the white stockings, so I need to see your knees too.”
After she is satisfied that their knees are OK, she says to them, “now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials”.
So, nine years later, when they finally get out of Dartmoor Prison, Bluey says to Curley,
“Hey Curley, I reckon if we just ‘ad a bit more education, we woulda got that job, eh?”
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
“Hellllllp!” he cried when he spotted her down below.
“What are you doing up there?” she called back.
“I was skydiving,” he answered, “and my parachute didn’t open!”
The blonde rolled her eyes.
“Well, of course it didn’t. If you’d just asked one of the locals, anybody could’ve told you that nothing around here opens on a Sunday!”
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed, this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
A review for Once I Was A Soldier
Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.
This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.
The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.
The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.
This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.
And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.
If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally