Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
And to finish off….Lost in Translation.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible, even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Caithness school test.
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
A review for Once I Was A Soldier
Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.
This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.
The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.
The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.
This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.
And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.
If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.
Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally
Howling with laughter at the children’s answers to the test. So funny! Thanks, Danny and Sally!
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They are hilarious.. glad you enjoyed Olga..hugsx
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The children’s answers in ‘Lost in translation’ are wonderful.
Wonder if they studied to much, too early. The confusion does create great entertainment
and laughs. Thanks.
Miriam
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I do wonder too. I remember from Sunday School being totally bemused by the amount of begetting going on and queried my parents on the matter.. who were not very forthcoming…xx
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Sally, you really have me smiling as I remember also wondering about all the
begetting . I didn’t get any clear answer either. 😊🤔.
Miriam
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Lol.. I am not sure I still understand ♥
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Reblogged this on Daniel Kemp and commented:
Another Night of Humour at The Open Mic Night
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Thanks again for letting me share Danny hugsx
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My absolute pleasure, Sally.
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Thank you so much, Sally, for opening up the Mic again for me. I’m truly honoured. My–Thank you–goes to everyone who enjoyed the humour.
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Always a pleasure Danny you find the best…hugsx
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The bargaining chips one is great, but the Lost in Translation is one of the funniest things I’ve read – it’s the way the wrong word turns the whole meaning around -thou shalt not admit adultery, holy acrimony. But then there’s the delightful axe of the apostles and mount cyanide, the battlefield of geritol and 700 porcupines amongst other hilarious examples. Thanks to both of you for these! xx
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To be honest I might have paid more attention in RE as a child if these were used as learning aids…♥
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🤣
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Always hilariousness with Danny. Lost in translation was hilarious, and some of those memes were just, well, spot on! ❤
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Thanks Debby… we both enjoyed those children’s interpretations..♥
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So clever ❤
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I love the originality of the children. Their partial retention of names of people and places and their spelling of homophone and homograph became our entertainment!! Haha, it was like making scrambled eggs out of the bible! Thank you for the chuckle, Daniel and Sally!
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Thanks Miriam and they get the basics nearly…♥♥
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When I corrected the students, I knew what they meant, just didn’t think of saving those assignments. ❤ ❤
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what a shame Miriam…lol… ♥♥
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I know, Sally. It happens on a daily basis. I didn’t think too much of it as the time. ❤
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♥♥
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I can just about see big time gamblers using gas and TP! our gas is $1.62 a litre- crazy!
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That is not usual… usually a lot lower than ours..we are around 2.00 dollars equivalent at the moment.. as you say crazy…hugsx
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They’re trying to force me to walk- darn them! lol
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or worse get an electric bike….hugsxx
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The burro and the monotony line were my favorite! Thanks for sharing, Sally! 🙂
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Glad you enjoyed.. thanks Yvette.. hugsx
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Love it. Back in my days of being a reporter and sometimes stringer for the wire service United Press International, they issued a style book our paper used. One of the entries was “Burro is an ass, borrow is a hole in the ground. As a journalist, you are expected to know the difference between the two!”
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Lol.. sounds like a great job Dorothy and some stories to ell I am sure not least about the occasional ass in a deep hole in the ground!! hugsx
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Oh yes, we have stories!
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kids say the darndest things; loved the burro and burrow one…
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Thanks very much Jim…hugsx
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That’s right, you could start bartering toilet paper now. Lol Thanks for the laughter, Sally and Daniel. I hope you have stocked up on all the things you need. Here I keep hearing bad jokes about GB on the radio.
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A very useful commodity Michael.. Ireland seems to be doing okay but we have a much smaller population than the UK and less crowded.. fingers crossed I won’t have to use TP instead of poker chips..hugsx
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Lol – OK, Sally! Its a pleasure. xx Michael
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Reblogged this on OPENED HERE >> https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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Thanks for sharing Michael..hugsx
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:-)) hugsx
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Loved these, Daniel and Sally. Thanks.
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Thanks very much John…hugsx
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😊
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I teach Sunday School and I love hearing what the children think the Minister said during the opening and children’s story. These are awesome. Thanks for sharing. 😂😂
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Wonderful interpretations.. and their hearts are in the right place…hugsx
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Have to steal those last lines. Far too funny not to share. Credit will be given. 😀
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Glad you enjoyed Ann… and fire away…hugsx
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The memes were funny, but the lost in translation bit takes the funny prize!
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Glad you enjoyed Liz… thank you..hugsx
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You’re welcome, Sally.
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These are so good, Sally and Danny. 😂
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Danny certainly was inspired as always… thanks Robbie.. hugsx
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You just can’t beat the humour of children!
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no you can’t … very funny..thanks Sue..hugsx
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The biblical Lost in Translation is so funny. Thank you, Daniel and Sally. ❤ xXx
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Thanks very much Jane.. delighted you enjoyed ♥
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That was brilliant! C
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Glad you enjoyed Cheryl.. thanks xx
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Out of the mouth of babes! 🙂 I love all of these. Thank you for the morning chuckles, Daniel and Sally!
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Thanks Jan ♥
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