Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
Age inspired resolutions.
As I was sitting around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
- If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
- A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
- A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
- And you tell me to exercise??
I don’t think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . .they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “hereafter”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE
A lad from Hartlepool is doing really well on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He’s got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it: Take your time.
Lad: I’ll take the money, Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you’ve still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I’m sure Chris, I’ll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I’m sure you’d like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer, Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You’ve just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Lad: I may be mental Chris, but I’m no grass.
Christmas Cake Recipe
This year I’ve had loads of requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so once again, here goes. Please keep it in your files as I’m beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning).
- 1 cup sugar
- Half pound butter
- 1tsp baking powder
- 1 cup water
- 1tsp salt
- 1cup brown sugar
- lemon juice
- 4 large eggs
- 1….bottle vodka, large
- 2 cups dried fruit
- 4 cups self-raising flour
- Sample a cup of vodka to check quality.
- Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, then repeat.
- Turn on the electric mixer.
- Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
- At this point, it’s best to make sure the vodka is still ok
- Try another cup just in case
- Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick the fruit off the floor, wash it, and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
- Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity.
- Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
- Check the vodka.
- Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table
- Add a spoon of sugar or somefink.
- Whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over—-I eaht siht sllpechcke
- Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin window.
- Finish of the vodka and wipe the counter with the cat
Should you call a lawyer?
A police officer turned up at my door this morning.
“Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He asked.
“No,” I said.
“What about RP?”
“No, means nothing to me,” I said.
“How about AH?” He asked.
“Look,” I said, “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” He replied, “These are just initial inquiries.”
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
A review for Once I Was A Soldier
Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.
This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.
The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.
The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.
This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.
And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.
If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally