Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra Rewind – November 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp

Author Daniel Kemp has been entertaing us over the last two years and his funnies are always worth repeating this post from November 2020 and head over to Danny Kemp  .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

I went to the doctors yesterday. I told him that I was hearing music all the time in my hat. He asked me to give him the hat. I did and he fiddled about with it, gave it back to me, and told me to put it on. I did and the music had gone! I said “that’s amazing! What did you do?” He said, “Easy! I removed the band!”

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions, “You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo”.

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices”.

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics”.

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces”.

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved”.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order. “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. “I want a banana split,” said the first piggy. “I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”

You’re gonna hate me for this… I mean really hate me.

Hold on to your seat…

The third piggy says—Someone has to say ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way home!

Homework

The teacher gave her year five class an assignment, get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the children came back and one by one began to tell their stories. “Wee Hughie do you have a story to share?” the teacher asked.

“Yes, miss,” Wee Hughie replied. “My dad told me a story about his sister, my aunt Mary. She was a pilot in Afghanistan and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small bottle of whisky, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down in case the bottle broke on landing. She hit the ground right in the middle of 20 Taliban. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens!” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?” “Stay well away from auntie Mary when she’s pissed,” he replied.

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for What Happened in Vienna Jack?

Apr 27, 2020 Roberta Cheadle rated it  Five Stars it was amazing

What Happened in Vienna, Jack? is a magnificent story of espionage set in Britain and true to that country, its people and reputation down to the very last detail. Daniel Kemp has certainly rivaled Ian Fleming with his brilliant portrayal of the British government’s secret service and his version of James Bond, in the split form of the older veteran, Jack Price, and the younger and debonair Irishman, Patrick West, who together must solve some deeply hidden mysteries of the past that have never been satisfactorily resolved.

Patrick is the innocent who is identified by his superiors for a specific job and is unwittingly drawn into their spiderweb of lies, confusion and cover-ups. He is an idealistic young man who is keen to stretch his wings and take on the burden of unwinding the muddled threads of the past in an effort to achieve his understanding of justice. His character is complex and interesting as the reader follows his journey from youthful naivety to a gradual realisation that their is no perfect justice or resolution in this world. Men are not perfect and their actions are never performed with any pure intent of either good or evil, but are always a mixture, in varying degrees of both purposes.

Jack Price is highly intelligent and has pulled himself up by his proverbial bootstraps, escaping a hand-to-mouth existence to becoming a leading, albeit controversial, figure in Britain’s intelligence forces. The career limitations imposed on him as a result of his background rankle and influence some of his later decisions resulting in his being manipulated, unknowingly, by others in high places. Jack is determined and dedicated to his cause and has identified Patrick as being a man with the right looks and characteristics to eventually take over from him. Before he makes his exit from his career and life, Jack is intent on solving an old crime from the beginning of world war II. It is unfortunate that some of the information he has is flawed.

The author’s command of English and clever descriptions and depictions make this book a fascinating read although it is not a book you can read without a good measure of concentration. There is a large caste of characters, all of whom add insight into the story and its eventual outcome, so you need to keep your reading wits about you to fully appreciate the intricacies of this complex story.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and will certainly be reading more books by this author

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

 

Thank you for dropping in today and I hope it has make a good start to your weekend…thanks Sally.