The weekend is coming up.. don’t worry about setting the alarm clock.. the fur babies will make sure you don’t get a lie in.
The weekend is coming up.. don’t worry about setting the alarm clock.. the fur babies will make sure you don’t get a lie in.
This was the most viewed humour post of 2017 – I hope you enjoy…..
Strange things happen in bars.. drinking too much can alter your persective in life and sometimes rearrange your facial features. Not something I recommend. However, bars can also be amusing places!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?” The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.” “Hanging? Who are they hanging?” “Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked. “Well,” said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” said the bartender
This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, he gets a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley.
Well, a man at the end of the bar said, “That’s amazing; I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.” The man agreed the guy took off. The bartender said to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.”
The man said, “Frogs are easy to come by, the hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and burped.”
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?” Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
“Love to fly and it shows?” She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, ooh well, she doesn’t work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?
“She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried “I would really love to fly your friendly skies?”
This time the woman barked back at him “What the hell do you want?”
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said “Ahhh, United!”
(Sorry could not resist)
Doesn’t time fly when you are having fun. Cannot believe how fast this year has gone but I only have to look back over the year’s posts, and particularly the contributions from so many to the blog, to appreciate the amount of effort and time so many of you have given to making my life amazing.
Today a look back at this week’s posts that you might have missed and also an update on the next week.
I am going to be in and out of the blog as I settle in to getting my next book up and running. However, I will be doing a review of 2017 with the top viewed posts under the various categories.. There will also be posts on the new promotions for authors and bloggers in the coming year, and some updated versions of existing ones.
Recently I posted about the new format for the blog, moving more towards a magazine style. I am delighted that we have some confirmed columnists who will focus on specific aspects of lifestyle and health.
William Price King will be our music columnist with not only more artists to showcase with their backgrounds and hits, but also posts on various aspects of music that will enhance our listening pleasure.
This week William shares some more of his favourite Christmas music with Natalie Cole singing Jingle Bells.
Paul Andruss will continue to contribute one of his unique and always fascinating posts each month, but he will also be sharing his gardening expertise in a monthly column.
This week Paul had written about the connections between Camelot, King Arthur and John F. Kennedy.
Carol Taylor will be our food columnist and will be sharing foods exotic and more everyday and include her wonderful recipes.
This week the ingredient in question had to be turkey of course.. and apart from the health benefits.. advice on how to buy, thaw and cook.. with delicious recipes for every part of the bird from Carol.
I will let you know about the other columns in due course and there will be some magazine favourites.. Including a monthly horoscope provided by a rather reclusive but talented astrologer.
Anyway time to get on with the show…..
My personal reviews and book recommendations from 2017
Christmas New Author on the Shelves
Christmas Book Fair specials
A selection of my books….
A selection of Children’s and YA books in the Cafe and Bookstore.
Christmas Book Fair
Thom Hickey continues with the Christmas Cornucopia of Art, Music and Poetry
There will be a special The Immortal Christmas Day post tomorrow at the same time.
Five Part Christmas Story – The Snowman by Gordon Le Pard
Christmas Posts from Your Archives
Some personal stuff
All that is left to say is Happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, Buon Natale, Sona Nollag and Geseënde Kersfees
Best wishes for a fun, laughter and love filled holidays.
With only a couple of days left.. with all your shopping completed!!! It is time to put your feet up and enjoy the next three days with family, friends and humour… Merry Christmas and Feliz Navidad…
Please feel free to share the smiles.. thanks Sally
The Story Reading Ape (Chris Graham) was the VIP guest of his local zoo.. and everyone had an amazing time.. as illustrated by the morning after photographs taken by our intrepid fellow investigative blogger…
©The Story Reading Ape 2015
My thanks to Chris for sharing these candid images of the revellers… Enjoy
About The Story Reading Ape
It does not matter if you blog once a week, once a day or several times a day but it does matter that it is consistent. We all love the fact that people who have dropped in on the off chance keep coming back for more. In my opinion it is down to the quality of the posts and also the expectation that readers will find something of interest.
The Story Reading Ape has this down to a fine art and the list of subjects that adorn his enclosure is lengthy. He is certainly a huge supporter of Indie authors across all genres and stages of their career and offers articles and information that is invaluable.
Chris has also published a volume of his mother’s poetry
One of the reviews for the collection
A charming book that reflects a woman’s life and times in verse…and humour. Rosie and Willie had me chuckling, especially as I can see just where Willie is coming from! The poems are written from an Irish perspective, but there is much a Yorkshirewoman can recognise.
The verses about the Troubles made me think. I could feel the pain in the words. “What matters is the depth of God’s sighs.”
There are memories that I seem to remember through my own mother and grandmothers’ tales, of a time now gone and a world awakening before a young woman’s eyes.
And the story of the Old, Old Man had me in tears.
Published by her son as a labour of love, in tribute to his mother, Agnes Mae Graham’s work stands up all on its own.
Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/My-Vibrating-Vertebrae-other-poems-ebook/dp/B01HA8Q116
Part of Chris’s immense enclosure is given over to The Great Hall of Fame… This is where Indies can exhibit their work by penning an article talking about themselves and their work. (Talk about a writers dream!) Once posted the author is then elevated to the Hall of Fame to reside with hundreds of other authors from around the world, who have taken that exciting but challenging step of being a published author. http://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/halls-of-fame/tsras-hall-of-fame/
Connect to Chris
Thank you for dropping in today and Chris I am sure will be thrilled to have you comment and share. Thanks Sally
Here is the second part of some Christmas laughter with some contributions from social media.
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relative Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses.
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman’s good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: “Don’t be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up.”
The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. “Wait!” she said. “Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!” So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking.
Eventually, she spoke: “First”, she said, “I want to be very, very wealthy.” Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: “Next”, she said, “I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18.” Poof!
The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. “Third”, she said to the fairy, “I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!”
Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: “Hah! Now you’re really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!”
One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.
In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.
‘Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,’ the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.
A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. ‘Are you still forecasting a cold winter?’ he asked.
‘Yes, very cold’, the weather officer told him.
As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.
A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. ‘Yes,’ he was told, ‘it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied: ‘Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.’
Thanks for dropping in today and I hope you enjoyed the stories… feel free to pass them on.. Sally
Time to start some festive humour… do love Christmas and my thanks to all those who have shared funny images on social media…
Besht Cishmash Reshippy.
Before you begin, sample the whisky to check for quality. Good isn’t it?
Select a large mixing bowl and a measuring cup. Check the whisky again as it must be just right. To be absolutely sure, pour a large glass and drink as fast as you can.
With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixy hasn’t gone bad while you weren’t looking. Open second quart if nestessazy.
Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat until high, If druit gest shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.
Example the whiksty again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gifts a shplit.
Chample the whitchey shum more.
Shitfin shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nusts. Add 100 babblspoons of brown booger or whushever’s closhest and mix well. Greash ubben and turn the caky tin to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washing machine and set on sinch shycle.
Cheque dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas Crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted he succeeded in coming in only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa’s reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, “Rudolph and Olive!”
The host asked the contestant, “We’ll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?”
The man looked at the host and said, “You know, ‘Olive,’ the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..
Thanks for popping in and hope it has brought a smile to your face.. why not spread them around.. Sally
I am sure that this bunch of Elves gets up to much more mischief than the official kind…..
Enjoy and share.. thanks Sally
Welcome to the first December round up and the start of the Christmas posts here on Smorgasbord. Off to a great start and there are still one or two slots open for Christmas posts from your past. Please flick through your posts from the last couple of years 2015 and 2016 and see if you have a short story, anecdote about Christmas, something about the traditions, a favourite family recipe..and send me the link. email@example.com
I have been busy this weekend at a two day Christmas fair.. delighted to say that Sam’s memoir that I was privileged to be ghost writer for (he found it awkward to type) went down very well and if you missed this post yesterday with recipes for your fur family for Christmas you can find out how to get a FREE ebook of his story. Suitable for all ages.
Of course I must thank everyone who has contributed this week including William Price King with two fantastic music posts, Carol Taylor with an archive post and a Christmas Cook from Scratch using beautifully healthy apricots. And Paul Andruss with a reblog of his post ‘Stuff’ you know that ‘stuff’ that we have buried in cupboards and we add to each year with more ‘stuff’ wrapped in festive paper.
This is the third week of the Quiz night.. answers tomorrow night. You still have time to enter to win a copy of Debra Russell’s Trivia Lover’s Ultimate Reference and one of my ebooks.
And of course everyone who has contributed posts from their archives… what a fascinating cross section of subjects.
I have reviewed Tipping Point: Project Renova Book One by Terry Tyler.. and can highly recommend.
Anyway… time to get on with the rest of the posts from this week…
Moyhill Publishing was delighted to sponsor the first prize in Dan Alatorre’s Word Weaver Contest and the winner was Heather Kindt. This week saw the release of her debut novel. Ruby Slips and Poker chips and it would be fantastic if you would pop in and share if you have not already done so.. most of us know what it is like to be a first time author and a boost is always encouraging. We were so pleased to play a part in its production.
And on that note…
We are so pleased to have received three new testimonials for Moyhill and if you are interested in what David is up to…..
William Price King meets some Legends.
Part two of the ABBA story with plenty of hits to get you up dancing.
An Evening with William Price King.. Ella Fitzgerald sings Sleigh Ride.
Writer in Residence Paul Andruss
A wry look at the ‘stuff’ we will be accumulating this Christmas.. to add to our other ‘stuff’
Two posts this week for Christmas – the first a very refreshing Pomelo salad that would be great between some of the festive meals you are bound to be eating in the next few weeks.
J.Hope Suis looks at the main issues that hold us back… and the keys to unlocking the barriers we erect.
Thom Hickey shares a poem that he wrote in tribute to his father.. and his memories of listening to radio broadcasts during key games of hurling.
Christoph Fischer explores are depiction of the superhero and whether we are forgetting the ordinary people who do extraordinary things.
Allan Hudson shares five of his favourite books from his lifetime of reading.. definitely worth checking out.
William Spivey shares his thoughts on having a reliable sounding board when it comes to matters of the heart.
Frank Parker shares the story of Henry II and his rather two-faced approach to monogamy..
Darlene Foster shares the sights and sounds of Malta which brought back wonderful memories for me from my childhood.
Annika Perry with a very emotive story about fading dreams.
Marian Beaman shares the secret treasures found in her mother’s dresser that are family heirlooms.
Norah Colvin shares her efforts to establish an alternative school to the state provided ones in her area and also the time spent home schooling her children.
What is your definition of success and are you setting the bar too high without appreciating what it takes and what you have achieved to get there? Susan Toy explores…
Kevin Cooper shares the first part of his posts on life in Kentucky in the 1980s.
D. Wallace Peach with a wonderful short story about love across the years.. get the tissues ready!
Mike of A Bit About Britain shares the history of the Christmas Card… from humble beginnings to a billion dollar business.. perhaps we should all be writing the verses inside them!
Christmas book fair.
New Book for Christmas
This dog reverses the roles on his master….he has a great sense of humour.
These workmen are taking their lives in their hands… or feet….What were they thinking?
Thank you so much for all your kind likes, comments and shares this week.. You are a huge part of making this blog work and I am very grateful..
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