Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Schoolboy Howlers and out of the mouths of babes

Here are some more of the howlers from the younger generation….and a few other things….


O’Level Exam ¡Questions & Answers

The following questions and answers were collected from one year’s O-level exams, and are some of the answers given in exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)! from the Gorton area of Manchester


Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs. The abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

And out of the mouths of some slightly younger babes..


Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray…

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’


A priest spot a little boy trying to reach a door bell and kindly rings it for him. ‘Thanks Father,’ says the boy. ‘Now, run like hell.’

There are three ways to get things done. Doe them yourself, pay someone else to do them, or forbid your kids doing it!

Thank you for dropping in today and please pass the smile along.. Thanks Sally


Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Don’t underestimate old lady drivers and Blonde moments.

I have been browsing through my joke directory and being elderly and blonde and thought I would reshare.. I would add that there will be plenty of other jokes aimed at redheads, elderly men and other maligned minorities in due course….

An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.
Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?
I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer : Don’t have one?
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can’t do that.

Officer : Why not?
 I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 And for those of us who are decidedly happy being blonde….

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,

“Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles. Thanks Sally


Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – Madonna, Hot Cross Buns, Chicken Poop and Houston 1985

Welcome to the weekly round up where I get the chance to say thank you to the contributors to the blog and to also share posts you might have missed.

This week the snow has gradually disappeared, except for mounds that were piled up by the diggers that have remained by the sides of the roads. It looks like that will be the last snow for us this year and I am looking forward to spring which is just around the corner.

This week it was International Women’s Day and as a footnote.. but a large footnote, I want to say a massive thank you to the men in our community who consistently support all of us… whatever our gender.

The Music Column by William Price King – The Madonna Story – Part Three.

The Gardening Column with Paul Andruss… Mary, Mary quite contrary, How does your Garden Grow? With liberally spread poop.. of different varieties, but none so effective as that provided by the Chicken….


The Food Column with Carol Taylor..This week Hot Cross Buns… make your own.

The Open House Interview

The guest for today’s Open House interview is Traci Kenworth who does an amazing job sharing links to our blogs and has written an impressive 11 books that she is now hoping to publish.

Personal Stuff

On Thursday I held a virtual coffee morning and there were some great comments and links to other blogs featuring posts in tribute to the day. The main focus of my post was on the increasing levels of domestic violence in the UK that results in TWO women a week dying.

Letters from America 1985-1987 – this week getting to know our neighbours and introducing them to our version of Spaghetti Bolognese and Irish Jokes.

Sally’s Drive Time Playlist.. this week nostalgia for the musicals – South Pacific and The King and I

Tales from The Garden – Serialisation – The Sanctuary.

I am sharing my short stories from Tales from the Garden in the run up to the release of Tales from the Irish Garden in the summer. This week an imminent birth and a pack of wild dogs lead a stranger to the Magic Garden.

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore Update

Thomas the Rhymer


Posts from your Archives

Travel Writer John Rieber shares a memorable trip to Barcelona and a ride on the overhead cable network that provides a birds eye view of this beautiful city.

barcelona from tram

D.G. Kaye with her exploration the corrosive form of bullying.. verbal abuse that aims to break the spirit and claim dominance.

A warm welcome to Susanne Swanson of Cats and Trails and Garden Tails who is sharing four posts from her archives. The first is a trip down memory lane to a house where Susanne lived and the creek where she and her friends played together. Many aspects of the environment have now changed and from a conservation perspective for the better.. but what about those memories?

Welcome to the second of the archive posts from Billy Ray Chitwood.. This week Billy explores our perception of ‘Soul’.

Sarah Zama shares another post from her archives and this week although slightly out of season.. she explores the spooky which to be honest is good anytime of year. Devil and the Arena of Verona

Arena of Verona - Piazza Bra


Things you might not have known were added in the processing of cheese!

The new Aromatherapy series continues with the first part of a list of the most common essential oils used for skincare, bath and massage.

A guest post from Brigid Gallagher about her diagnosis of fibromyalgia and the long road to recovery. Brigid shares the alternative health therapy and strategies that help live as full a life as possible.

The next chapter in the series Turning Back the Clock.. a natural anti-aging programme. This week are you breathing efficiently?

It is so important to keep a record of your own prescription drugs and those of your children and elderly relatives. Also a record of past illnesses that might have a bearing on your current diagnosis.

The latest news on the PSA test for Prostate Cancer and concerns that it is leading to unnecessary surgery and other treatment that results in long term side-effects.


Sally’s Drive Time Playlist #Music to get your weekend started – South Pacific and The King and I

As you have discovered in recent weeks I have been a music fan most of my life, from the songs from the musicals such as South Pacific (still mourn the death of Lieutenant Cable) and The King and I. My father was serving in HMS. Afrikaander in Cape Town and in addition to his normal duties, he was also the officer in charge of films. Reels would be sent out to stations around the world and were shown in the messes, usually with a supper and few drinks thrown in.  The films were not recently released but were part of a massive library that had been established from distributors for the entertainment of those serving in the armed forces.

On Saturday mornings my father would take us to the base to meet up with other naval children for cartoons and a feature film, which is where, at the age of 10, I first fell in love with Lassie! Since then I have had three Lassies, Sacha, Sabre and Sam… and I feel that there might be enough room in my heart for another… hopefully soon.

My father would also occasionally bring home a projector and the latest movie to arrive from the UK. My parents would have a few friends around for a curry and a film show. My brother and I would be put to bed at the normal time, but as soon as I heard the opening soundtrack, I would creep along the corridor and perch in the hall so that I could see through the crack between the door and the frame. Everyone in those days was a smoker and the door was left ajar so that they did not asphyxiate…

Surprisingly this gave me a wonderful view of the screen. I would scurry back to bed when it was time for a reel change and the ladies took advantage to powder their noses in the guest bathroom in the corridor. Once there was a clink of glasses and conversation stopped, I would hop back and resume my position until the end of the film.

In honour of my secret nocturnal pastime… I thought today I would share favourite songs from those two movies. The first being ‘I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair‘ from ‘South Pacific’ and I have done that a few times in the intervening 55 years……I am sure I am not the only one.  And it you are really quick at the start you will see Lieutenant Cable…….be still my heart.

If you have not seen South Pacific… then here is the link to buy in various formats:

My second choice is from ‘The King and I’ with Yul Brynner and the beautiful Deborah Kerr. ‘Shall we Dance’

And you buy this movie here:

So that is some nostalgia and a reminder of a different time in movie making where romance, music and life were portrayed in a simpler and slightly more rose-tinted way… and for a child they inspired a life long love of music and movies.

I hope you have enjoyed the selection today and please leave your favourite tracks or movies in the comments and all the better if you can find the YouTube link so that others can head over to listen too. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – You are in the Navy Now…

Time for a little navy humour....


A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

A little night action

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. He walked into the last motel in town.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed.

No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

What’s in a name

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you have enjoyed the post.. Please feel free to pass along. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Sherlock Holmes and the Stars at night and Ginger…

Time for some lighthearted fun…

Sherlock Holmes and the Stars at Night.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.”

But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Travel in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”

and last but not least…….

There are a number of videos of dogs eating with their hands but none as classy as Ginger!


Thank you for dropping in today and please feel free to pass the smiles along. Thanks Sally

Well Fancy That – Some Little Known Facts… Sally Cronin

I was going through all my doc files to tidy things up and also check the archives for things to share. I came upon this series of little known facts that I had put together for my Sunday Show 10 years ago… not sure if they are all true.. but I am sure someone will enlighten me!


Orville Wright the inventor of the aeroplane was involved in the first aircraft accident. His passenger an American was killed.

The first Englishman to be killed in an aeroplane accident was Charles Rolls of Rolls Royce.

Thomas Jefferson grew the first tomatoes in the United States – he wanted to prove to the Americans that they were not poisonous which is what people believed at the time.

The UK established the first speed limit in 1903 and it was 20 mph.

Sunglasses became popular in the 1920’s when movie stars began to wear them to counteract the photographer’s bright lights.

Ties were first worn in Croatis which is why they were called cravats or al la croate

The first ever CD single was Brother’s in Arms by Dire Straits

The first duplicating machine was invented by James Watt the inventor of the Steam Engine in 1778 (patented 1780) to help him with all the copying he had to do for his steam engine.

Britain’s first national Lottery was in 1567 to pay for public works and the top prize was £5000

Watching tv uses up 50% more calories than sleeping.

Ben and Jerry ice cream makers send their waste to local pig farmers – Pigs love all the flavours except for Mint Oreo

Henry 1st 1100 to 1135 decreed that the distance between his nose and the tip of his index finger on his outstretched arm was a yard. He is also credited with creating the first zoo.

Contrary to popular belief squirrels cannot contract or carry the rabies virus – I assume that they have been tested to find out why and their findings applied to rabies research.

Camels are born without a hump and their spine is always straight.

Every year in the US more people are killed by deer than any other animal.

In ancient Greece women counted their age from the date they were married.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896 – it lasted 38 minutes.

South American Gouchos used to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a days riding to tenderise the meat.

Genghis khan’s cavalry rode female horses so the soldiers could drink their milk.

During your lifetime you will eat about 27,000 kilos of food.

Milk chocolate was invented by Daniel Peter who sold the concept to his neighbour Henri Nestle.

The Teabag was introduced in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan of New York.

The French Philospher Voltaire drank 50 cups of coffee a day.

I hope you have enjoyed and if you wish to refute one of these facts.. please do.. in the comments… all views welcome… Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – Snowed in with Madonna, Muses, Snake Fruit and special guests.

Welcome to this week’s round up of posts that you might have missed. The weather here, like most of the UK and Europe has been enjoyed a classic clash between two titans of weather. The Beast from the East with arctic temperatures vs. Storm Emma sweeping up from Portugal with warm winds that created massive snow fall.

Even my stone eagle that travelled with us from the warmer climes of Spain was less that impressed with the weather..

The good news is that we are now back to our own special kind of weather..rain.. and plenty of it which is melting the snow and hopefully by tomorrow we will be able to get out of our drive without having to shovel our way through. In the early days of the bad weather I put additional food out for our garden birds (I call them ours, but of course they are totally unfaithful and visit feeders up and down the road). Fat balls were the favourites and even when thrown into the snow they were eagerly consumed. The day before yesterday we looked out the kitchen window to find all these little bums sticking up in the air as starlings, blackbirds and sparrows sheltered in little pockets as they happily pecked away at the fat.

In the freezing and windy run up to the snow I was  filling up the drinking bowl each day with warm water. We discovered that the starlings are made of sterner stuff than the rest of us as they took communal baths (and no doubt added to the mineral content with their own contributions) and then preened themselves in the hedges waving around in the freezing wind.

Anyway….. as always my gratitude to the contributors who battled through the snow to deliver their columns and posts…. and to all of you who braved the elements to visit, like and comment. You are very welcome and I hope you will come back again soon.

The William Price King Music Column. Part two of the Madonna story.

Madonna is a multi-faceted artist and social activist, no stranger to controversy, but who has always been true to the image that she created as a teenager and young performer.

Writer in residence Paul Andruss continues his exploration of poetry ancient and modern with a conversation between the Muse and the Pilgrim.  This is part two, with a link to the first part.

Carol Taylor treats us to the origins and recipes for some of the exotic fruits in her backyard.. or markets of her home in Thailand. Many are available in our own supermarkets and certainly a dessert made with snake fruit would liven up any dinner party….

The Open House Sunday Interview with guest Romanian economist and author Marina Costa

Personal Stuff.

A post on how you can promote your blog and writing here on Smorgasbord and the various watering holes where we can meet up.

At this time of year (especially with blizzards and freezing winds) our thoughts turn to booking our summer holidays. But there are a few things to think about. Just who are you telling about your absence for a couple of weeks on social media? If you are broken into during your holiday, the insurance company will be exploring your posts too to see who you have told!  Also should you suffer a bereavement and making public announcements in the newspapers about funeral arrangements… is someone house sitting?

Next Thursday I am inviting you to a virtual Coffee Morning in honour of International Women’s Day on March 8th. I will be sharing some of the quotes of women and men that I admire; who have made a difference to our world in terms of empowerment or inspiration. I would love you to join me with your own favourite quote and also your views on the subject of gender equality.

I am sharing my thoughts today on two separate gender issues, the first being the #MeToo campaign which has been stripping the entertainment industry of its glitter recently… You may not agree with all my observations but that is part of the dialogue needed to create change. The second is the bravery and commitment to change shown by women in Saudi Arabia to obtain the right to something most of us take for granted.

Letters from America – 1985- 1987 – my weekly letters to my parents sharing our adventures in Houston and travels around America.

This week a trip to Corpus Christi… encounters on the beach in the moonlight – and getting lost in translation.

My review by the latest book by Historical novelist Tony Riches – Mary: Tudor Princess.

Smorgasbord short stories – You are never too old to be loved!

This story first appeared on Sue Vincent’s blog at Christmas. I hope you enjoy if reading for the first time…Jack is incarcerated in an elderly care home and is resigned to spending the rest of his life without purpose.. until……..

Sally’s Drive Time Playlist – Billy Joel and Anne Murray.

I share my memories of some of my most interesting musical memories and this week, we chose to celebrate a new job with a stay over at one of Liverpool’s premier hotels for a dinner dance.. only for most of the diners to leave hurriedly, leaving just us and the band.

In the summer I will be releasing Tales from the Irish Garden.. stories of magic and fantasy. It is the sequel to Tales from the Garden published in 2015 and I am going to share the stories from that collection with you in the next few weeks.

Chapter One – The Head Guardians of the Magic Garden.

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore Update – News from the talented authors in the bookstore on new releases and recent reviews.

Posts from Your Archives – Early blogging posts shared with a new audience.

Billy Ray Chitwood with the first of his archive posts. Today Billy is nostalgic for the music of his hell-raising years, when stars such as Frank Sinatra and Kay Starr made a highball taste better…


The Health Column

New Series.. Inspirational stories of overcoming the challenges of chronic illness or life changing disease. This week Cynthia Reyes shares her story of her long road to recovery following traumatic injuries sustained in a car accident. Guest writers are very welcome and details are in the post.

Hydrogenated Fats in our diet and how to avoid them.

In the last few years there has been a complete reversal by governments and experts on how much fat and carbohydrates we should be eating. The information and advice is often confusing but research is definitely coming down on the side of good fats.. and that we should be including enough of them in our diet to keep us mentally and physically well.

The good fats, Essential Fatty Acids and how to get the right balance.


A new series for The Medicine Woman’s Treasure Chest – Aromatherapy and the use of essential oils. I took a course twenty years ago so that I could advise my customers and clients in my health food and dietary services clinic.

Turning Back the Clock – serialisation of my anti-aging book.

This week.. our immune system and how we leave the door open to opportunistic squatters who can damage our health for life.



Afternoon Video – the generosity of a crow towards a rodent friend.

Headlines that prove that fact can be stranger than fiction…..

Afternoon video – sign me up….

Afternoon Video – this Jack Russell has a jazz soul.