Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners to make you ponder – Part one!


I shared these last year in June over several posts and since many of you are new to the blog or may have short memories they are going to do the rounds again.. I originally had 500 but by the time I took some of the more adult ones out… I was left with around 200. More to follow every couple of days.. Store them up for office parties….

Here is the first lot.

1.When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

2.His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

3.Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

4.Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish

5.Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it’s just as well we got out of that field.

6.Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

7.Twas the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!”

8.One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

9.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

10.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

11.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

13.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14.Remember half the people you know are below average.

15.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18.I intend to live forever – so far so good.

19.Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

20.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

22.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

27.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

28.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

29.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I hope you enjoyed and please feel free to pass them along..Sally more coming up on Thursday.

Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – The Good Life #Waterford History and amazing guest writers


Welcome to the round up and some posts that you might have missed. Especially if you have taken my advice and have not signed up for notifications. You would be so stressed!  I know that I blog a great deal but by now you are used to that by now.. Popping in on a Sunday is probably your best bet so that you can select the posts that you are interested in.

Next weekend there is going to a change to the programme as it will be a three day party on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Unfortunately I may have tipped our summer into its own pity party when I announced this last week, as it has been blowing a hooligan and pouring with rain ever since!  However, we will not let a little moisture get in our way.

My intention is to mention as many of those people who have been with me since the beginning of my blogging adventure in September 2013 with some specially prepared snippets. I also plan to do some introductory pieces on my regular guests as well with interludes for music, humour and of course food and drink. There will be a post each day and in the tradition of all good parties, mingling and exchanging details in the comments is to be expected.

Paul Andruss has prepared two posts which will go out in the week about some of the music he feels will get you in the mood and he will also round off the party with a post on Sunday Afternoon.

I hope that whatever your actual plans are for next weekend you will be able to pop in to one of the posts over the three days and leave your details in the visitors book.

My thanks as always to my guests this week and food was definitely on the agenda with the wonderful recipe for Babotie which is a traditional South African dish that I enjoyed as a child. My thanks to Tandy Sinclair for sharing.  As you will have seen, Carol Taylor and I have teamed up for a new series on healthy foods alongside delicious recipes. This week the versatile banana received the Carol treatment.

And to encourage you not to let all this wonderful food cause a disruption to your waistline, Julie Lawford shares 50 benefits that demonstrate the positive effects of healthy weight loss.

And of course thanks to William Price King for his wonderful series on Tony Bennett first aired in 2015 and now taking us through the Summer (a term used loosely around here).

Now on with the show…..thanks for dropping in and please sign the guest book at the end. 

Summer Jazz with William Price King and Tony Bennett

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/16/smorgasbord-summer-jazz-2017-william-price-king-meets-tony-bennett-the-70s-and-80s-rollercoaster-years/

Milestones along the way by Geoff Cronin

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/milestones-along-the-way-the-tin-chapel-men-and-by-hook-or-by-crook-by-geoff-cronin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/20/milestones-along-the-way-the-yards-of-waterford-by-geoff-cronin/

Guest Post – Julie Lawford – Lifestyle – Weightloss

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/17/smorgasbord-guest-writer-50-losses-and-50-gains-by-julie-lawford/

Guest post – Carol Taylor – Health benefits of Bananas and recipes.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/16/smorgasbord-health-cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-banana-nutrient-boost-no-packaging-required/

Guest post – Tandy Sinclair – Traditional South African Food – Babotie.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/smorgasbord-guest-post-south-african-traditional-food-babotie-recipe-by-tandy-sinclair/

The Odd Jobs and Characters series

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/14/odd-jobs-and-characters-dental-surgery-part-two-sally-cronin/posted here on Smorgasbord.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/20/odd-jobs-and-characters-the-shoe-department-hosted-by-d-g-kaye/ Posted on D.G. Kaye’s blog.

Smorgasbord Reblogs

Paul Andruss takes us back to the Roman Empire and the origins of the expression ‘Crossing the Rubicon’

Thomas the Rhymer

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/smorgasbord-reblog-rubicon-by-paul-andruss/

Book and author promotion – Cafe and Bookstore Update

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/14/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-d-g-kaye-deborah-a-bowman-and-linda-bradley/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-new-books-released-by-judith-barrow-dariel-raye-and-mary-clark/

New book on the shelves

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-the-fright-factory-by-lillian-csernica/

Air Your Reviews

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-shehanne-moore-bette-a-stevens-and-lorinda-j-taylor/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/17/smorgasbord-air-your-reviews-balroop-singh-and-robert-eggleton/

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/14/smorgasbord-daily-blogger-monday-14th-august-2017-karen-ingalls-nicholas-rossis-charles-yallowitz-the-story-reading-ape-with-jemima-pett/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-tuesday-15th-august-2017-ireland-bit-of-irish-sparkle-ali-isaac-brigid-gallagher-and-sheila-kiely/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/16/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-wednesday-16th-august-2017-dan-alatorre-angie-quantrell-maverick-on-the-move-and-cindy-knoke/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/17/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-thursday-17th-august-2017-cook-and-enjoy-recipes-jennie-fitzkee-lisa-burton-vashti-quiroz-vega-colleen-chesebro-richard-ankers-and-teri-polen/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-friday-18th-august-2017-tony-richeswendy-janes-d-g-kaye-madelyn-griffith-haynie-dan-alatorre-heather-kindt-christy-birmingham/

Smorgasbord Entertainment Movie Review – I give The Mummy 4/10… find out why.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/smorgasbord-entertainment-movie-review-the-mummy-by-sally-cronin/

Smorgasbord Health – If your teeth are suffering from acid erosion it may be your bottled mineral water!

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/14/smorgasbord-health-2017-food-in-the-news-acidity-in-mineral-water-and-tooth-enamel-erosion/

Humour

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/17/smorgasbord-laughter-academy-what-can-i-get-you-hun-and-thangs/

Words of wisdom from the head of the household – Dear Kittie with Morgan Freeman

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/14/afternoon-video-words-of-wisdom-from-the-head-of-the-household-dear-kitten/

Doggie Day Camp and the School bus.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/smorgasbord-afternoon-video-dont-you-wish-your-kids-were-this-eager/

Meet George the Service Dog on his special day out.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/afternoon-video-inspiring-beings-meet-george-the-service-dog/

Smorgasbord Pet Health

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/16/smorgasbord-pet-health-rewind-mosquito-season-and-the-dangers-of-heartworm/

Weekly Image and Haiku

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/weekly-image-and-haiku-storm-warning-by-sally-cronin/

I hope that you have enjoyed this week’s posts and thank you so much for your visits and sharing across your own sites.. It is much appreciated.

Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – FREE book, Invitation to a Party and brilliant writers.


Welcome to the weekly round up and a reminder that What’s in a Name Volume one is FREE until midnight tonight. I am not part of the Kindle family although all my books are formated to be read on Kindles, Nooks and any other devices. So I don’t do the Kindle select promotions. However, most of you know we well enough to email me and that your information is safe.

About the stories

There are names that have been passed down through thousands of years which have powerful and deep-rooted meaning to their bearers. Other names have been adopted from other languages, cultures and from the big screen. They all have one thing in common. They are with us from birth until the grave and they are how we are known to everyone that we meet.

There are classical names such as Adam, David and Sarah that will grace millions of babies in the future. There are also names that parents have invented or borrowed from places or events in their lives which may last just one lifetime or may become the classic names of tomorrow.

Whatever the name there is always a story behind it. In What’s in a Name? – Volume One, twenty men and women face danger, love, loss, romance, fear, revenge and rebirth as they move through their lives.

Anne changes her name because of associations with her childhood, Brian carries the mark of ancient man, Jane discovers that her life is about to take a very different direction, and what is Isobel’s secret?

The book is available in Mobi (Kindle) Epub (other devices) and pdf for those of you without a reader.

Just email me on sally.cronin@moyhill.com and I will whisk a copy over to you. I appreciate that many of you have TBRs that rival the Leaning Tower of Pisa… but that is okay and I also have no expectation of a review… unless you really want to!

You can read a number of reviews for the book: https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Name-Sally-Cronin-ebook/dp/B01N6Y8BK1

and the latest review by Paul Andruss which is a story too: http://www.paul-andruss.com/whats-in-a-name-vol-1/

End of Summer Party – August 26th – 28th – all welcome.

I will be roasting showcasing, those bloggers who have been with me since I began Smorgasbord four years ago.. and apart from these guests, I am inviting everyone to chip in with their details in the comments. I have some food and drink (virtually no calories) and there will be some music. I hope you will be able to pop in .

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/smorgasbord-invitation-to-an-end-of-summer-house-party-saturday-26th-to-monday-28th-august/

My secretary Mavis has reminded me that it is time to get on with the round up of the week’s posts that you might have missed.

I am of course very grateful to my guests this week who have provided us with entertaining and interesting posts. Thanks to Anne Casey, Julie Lawford and Carol Taylor who will be with us through the summer and beyond I hope.

William Price King is still on his summer break but I have been sharing a previous series that proved very popular the first time around.. Tony Bennett the ultimate performer.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/smorgasbord-summer-jazz-2017-william-price-king-meets-tony-bennett-part-three-the-1960s/

Guest post from poet and song writer Anne Casey talking about the path to the publication of her debut poetry collection. Including her published work in the Irish Times.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/08/smorgasbord-guest-post-writing-all-the-wrong-things-by-anne-casey/

Julie Lawford continues her summer of lifestyle articles with her top ten tips for maintaining your weight loss.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/my-top-ten-experienced-based-tips-for-sustainable-and-healthy-weightloss-by-julie-lawford/

I was delighted to welcome Carol Taylor to the blog for the first of a collaborative series on my top healthy foods with some wonderful recipes from Carol.. This week delicious ways to prepare the king of fish.. salmon.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/smorgasbord-health-cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-salmon-omega-3-on-a-plate/

Milestones along the way by Geoff Cronin

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/12/milestones-along-the-way-tradition-and-smoke-signals-by-geoff-cronin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/13/milestones-along-the-way-100-plants-and-snippets-by-geoff-cronin/

I have posted another one of my entertainment reviews and this time for King Arthur: Legend of the Sword….

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/smorgasbord-entertainment-movie-review-king-arthur-legend-of-the-sword-by-sally-cronin-2/

Book Promotion

For the next 12 weeks I am guest posting with a number of fantastic bloggers as part of the Odd Jobs and Characters, What’s in a Name launch series. I am posting the first three and then this Friday, Debby Gies is hosting the first of the guest appearances.. By all accounts she has added some Debby specials to the post so I hope you will head over and check it out.

This week was part one of my adventures as a dental nurse back in the late 1960s…haha.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/odd-jobs-and-characters-the-dental-surgery-part-one-sally-cronin/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore – New on the Shelves

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/08/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-witchlet-book-one-the-magical-chapters-trilogy-by-victoria-zigler/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-a-desolate-hour-point-pleasant-series-by-mae-clair/

Cafe and Bookstore Update

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-jacqueline-oby-ikocha-and-john-nicholl/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/11/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-dan-alatorre-pamela-d-beverly-and-jacquie-biggar/

Air Your Promotions

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/08/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-carmen-stefanescu-and-patricia-k-salamone/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-janice-spina-gigi-sedlmayer-and-sally-cronin/

Smorgasbord Short story

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/08/smorgasbord-short-stories-a-cat-called-by-iris-mick/

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-monday-august-7th-2017-sue-vincent-geoff-le-pard-c-s-boyack-and-d-g-kaye/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/08/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-tuesday-8th-august-2017-lucinda-e-clarke-steve-tanham-don-massenzio-and-colleen-chesebro/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-wednesday-9th-august-2017-susan-toy-annette-rochelle-aben-d-g-kaye-with-tina-frisco-sue-vincent-with-judith-barrow/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-thursday-10th-august-2017-story-reading-ape-with-yecheilyah-ysrayl-wendy-scott-with-john-howell-and-jennie-fitzkee/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/11/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-friday-11th-august-2017-lucinda-e-clarke-debby-gies-free-book-steve-costello-carmen-stefanescu-and-christy-birmingham/

Weekly image and Haiku

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/12/smorgasbord-poetry-haiku-honouring-feng-shui/

Humour and afternoon videos

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/the-afternoon-video-the-first-time-i-saw-your-face/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/10/smorgasbord-laughter-academy-archives-doctors-dentists-driving-and-double-glazing/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/11/afternoon-video-archive-theres-a-cat-in-my-bed-dogs-fighting-a-losing-battle/

Thank you for all your support and generosity in sharing.. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and hope you will visit again next week.

 

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – Doctors, Dentists, Driving and Double Glazing


 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.” (This one is dear to my heart)

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

At the Dentist.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear

‘Open Wider,’ requested the dentist as he began his examination.

‘Good heavens,’ he said astonished. ‘You have the biggest cavity I have ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.

‘Ok no need to rub it in by repeating yourself.’ said the patient. ‘I am scared enough as it is.’

‘I’m not repeating myself,’ replied the dentist. ‘That was the echo.’

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my, am I driving?”

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.
He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.
Guess he was embarrassed.

Thanks for dropping by and if you have a joke that you would like to share with full credit, then please email me sally.cronin@moyhill.com thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Confusion reigns.


Let’s head into the weekend on a lighter note…We all get a little confused sometimes and need to talk it out.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

A police officer at a speed trap pulls over a car he clocks creeping along at 22 miles per hour.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies inside — two in the front seat and two in the back, the three passengers all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I was going the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman explains.

Chuckling, the officer explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks him for pointing out her error.

Before he lets them go, the policeman asks, “Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.”

“Oh,” the driver replies, “they’ll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 148.”

 

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Have a great weekend and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do……share the smiles thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Expect the Unexpected


 

I am at the dentist as you read this.. some of us might as well have some fun!

 

The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.

‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.

‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard’.

He is promised the problem will be looked into.

Another five years pass. This time his two words are ‘Food cold.’

Again his superiors promise to address the issue.

Five years later his two words are, ‘I quit.’ His superiors look at each other wearily.

‘We’re not in the slightest bit surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years.

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his carrot garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,” For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the Money!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Now plant your carrots, Dad. It’s the best I could do from here.”

I hope you enjoyed..and please feel free to share… thanks Sally

A Pavrotti Fan achieves his dream of a lifetime………as told by Geoff Cronin


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My father-in-law Geoff Cronin who died in February was 93 and with a memory like a bear trap… and who is also a great raconteur.. and I had a conversation one weekend about the music series on the life of Luciano Pavarotti with William Price King.  I know that since his death you have been enjoying his stories and since we will not be starting his third and last book next weekend you might enjoy reading this post again.. or for the first time.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/classical-music-with-william-price-king/

Anyway my father-in-law had a wonderful story about one of Pavarotti’s greatest fans.

Michael lived in Donegal and his mother, who was a music teacher and introduced him to opera and specifically the work of Luciano Pavarotti back in the 1980s.

This began a lifetime’s obsession with the singer and despite being short on cash, Michael bought every recording the great man released. He would also record any television appearances and cherished the DVD of the one film that Pavarotti made.. Yes Giorgio… and successive girlfriends were forced to watch copious times during predictably short-lived romances.

Eventually Michael set up his own business with a record shop and bookstore. Over the years he saved up money in a large cake tin, hidden on the top of his kitchen cabinets in his flat above the shop. His friends down at the pub on a Friday night would indulge Michael’s fantasy of one day attending the great Pavarotti’s performances; laughing behind his back when he would enthuse about the singer’s most recent album release.

Finally, after twenty years, Michael had saved enough to buy a front row ticket for a performance to be given in Modena, Italy.  There was also sufficient left over to hire a tuxedo and spend a night or two in a modest hotel on the outskirts of town.  He headed off to Dublin and the airport on the train. This was his first flight and excursion out of the country and he was beside himself with fear and excitement.

Eventually he arrived in Modena and was grateful that the lady who ran the small hotel spoke English.. She was very helpful in getting his suit pressed and getting a taxi to take him to the concert on time.

Three days later Michael arrived back in Donegal in a state of bliss. He couldn’t wait to get to the pub on the Friday and tell all his friends about the most amazing experience of his life.

Sure enough his friends were all ears when he began to tell them about his adventures. None of them had ever left the country nor flown in a plane and they plied him with questions about every aspect of the trip. Finally one asked about the actual concert.

Michael, relishing being the centre of attention, and with all eyes on him, talked them through the evening moment by moment.  The venue, the beautiful women in their expensive gowns, the men all in black tie and the champagne in the interval. His front row seat had offered him the most wonderful view of the performance and his heart had beaten rapidly at being so close to his beautiful Pavarotti.

One of his friends asked him if the singer was as good in person as on the recordings.

‘Oh he was superb and it was so thrilling to see him live; I cannot tell you how amazing those two hours were.’

One of them piped up. ‘And what was he like as a man, you know did he interact with the audience.’

Michael shook his head and grimaced slightly. ‘Well he doesn’t like it much when you sing along with him!’

dad-on-birthday

You can find the serialisation of Geoff’s books so far in this link: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-colour-of-life-by-geoff-cronin/

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – It’s raining cats and dogs


There are characters in our lives and our writing that have squeezed themselves into our hearts and tend to be found under desks, tables or on the sofa, bed, on a perch or your favourite chair or possibly in a stable in the garden. We love them dearly and here are some ways that we show that.

A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.

There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.

Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.

‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’

Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.

Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…

‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.

After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.

‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something in the horse’s mouth just as a steward passed by.

‘What was that?’ inquired the steward.

‘Oh, nothing,’ said the trainer, ‘just a polo mint.’ He offered one to the steward. ‘Here, have one. And I’ll have one myself.’

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his riding instructions. ‘Just keep the horse on the rails. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the straight is either the steward or me.’

Mildred’s eyesight was not as good as it used to be

I hope you enjoyed today’s offerings and please feel free to spread the laughter far and wide.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Weekly Round Up – South Africa, Barbra Streisand, Judith Barrow and Horatio Grin revealed.


Welcome to the round up of some posts that you might have missed this week.  I have been offline more than on but I hope to reveal the cover of What’s in a Name Volume II in the next few days. It is done all bar the shouting (Amazon) which as an independent author and not part of KP can take a few days.

Request.

I would be really grateful for an opportunity over the weeks following the book’s release if I might do a guest post. Each one will be sharing the inspiration behind the main character of the story with a short excerpt.  If you feel that might fit in with your blog and schedule please email me and once I have a firm release dates I can let you have the weeks that are currently free.  sally.cronin@moyhill.com

William Price King is on his summer break now until September. He has gigs in the Nice region which as you know is a very popular tourist destination. I will be reposting one of his contemporary season from earlier in the year to make sure you don’t have withdrawal symptoms.

Horatio Grin caused quite a stir with his essays on the origins of Fairies and this week we revealed the last mystery behind the man…. Quess Who… and the initials are PA… If you would like a FREE Epub or pdf of Horatio’s book which contains additional bonus essays, then the details are in the post.

Robbie Cheadle takes us on a tour of Cape Town to celebrate the release of her latest children’s story and cookbook – Silly Willy goes to Cape Town with some traditional foods from South Africa that definitely brought back happy memories.

Judith Barrow shares the story of her treatment and survival of breast cancer. A must read for every woman.

My thanks to everyone who has contributed this week and of course to all of you for your ongoing support. Enjoy the rest of Sunday and see you soon.  Sally

William Price King meets some legends

I thought you might like to listen to one of my favourite tracks while you browse.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/william-price-king-meets-some-legends-barbra-streisand-the-finale/

Guest post by Horatio Grin

The jig is up as they say and the mystery surrounding guest writer Horatio Grin is revealed.. with a FREE book with extras for you to enjoy.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/will-the-real-horatio-grin-please-stand-up-and-free-book-offer/

Guest post by Robbie Cheadle 

To celebrate the release of the latest children’s book Silly Willy Goes to Cape Town, Robbie shares some of the delicious traditional food you can find in South Africa.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/smorgasbord-guest-post-traditional-foods-you-can-eat-in-cape-town/

The Black Bitch and other Tales by Geoff Cronin

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/22/the-black-bitch-and-other-tales-the-bermuda-triangle-by-geoff-cronin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/23/the-black-bitch-and-other-tales-of-bread-and-flails-by-geoff-cronin/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore Update

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-lyn-horner-yecheilyah-ysrayl-and-tina-frisco/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-kristina-stanley-d-g-kaye-and-judith-barrow/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore – New on the Shelves

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-51-sleepless-nights-by-tobias-wade/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-the-fountain-short-story-collection-by-john-maberry/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-memoir-what-did-i-do-by-chuck-jackson/

Air Your Reviews

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-throwback-thursday-carol-balawyder-and-christine-campbell/

The Blogger Daily

The new series of Blogger Daily has begun again and please do not hesitate to let me have the link to your most recent post either in the comments section or by email.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-new-series-and-new-contacts/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-friday-july-21st-damyanti-biswas-nicholas-rossis-mary-smith-and-yoly/

Health

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/smorgasbord-health-2017-food-in-the-news-thumbs-up-for-coffee/

Guest Post Judith Barrow – Surviving Breast Cancer

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/smorgasbord-health-2017-femail-reproductive-system-update-judith-barrow-breast-cancer-survivor/

Top to toe – The Male Reproductive System.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/smorgasbord-health-2017-top-to-toe-the-male-reproductive-system-part-one/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/mens-health-week-revisited-testosterone-and-cholesterol/

Poetry

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/22/smorgasbord-poetry-haiku-petrified-by-fear/

Short Story

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/smorgasbord-short-stories-revisited-no-39-by-marilyn-brouwer/

Humour

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/the-afternoon-video-cats-and-pup-and-boxes-and-things/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/smorgasbord-laughter-academy-the-sign-writers-have-been-out-again/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/laughter-the-best-medicine-an-australian-shaggy-dog-story/

Well that’s all folks.. I hope you will pop in again next week and in the meantime.. be good.. and if you cannot be good… be careful. Thanks Sally