Time for some Laffs – Angels explained by children and out of the mouths of Babes


Angels as explained by Children – Tina Friscohttps://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY  Children have a richer understanding of certain things than we do!

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. -Gregory, Age 5

Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. -Olive, Age 9

It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven. And then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, Age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, Age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science. -Henry, Age 8

Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. -Jack, Age 6

Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, Age 9

When an angel gets mad, she takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when she lets out her breath again, somewhere there’s a tornado. -Reagan, Age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, Age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his Son, who’s a very good carpenter. -Jared, Age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn’t go for it. -Antonio, Age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley, Age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. – Vicki, Age 8

What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, Age 7

Out of the mouths of babes!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

A number of primary schools were doing a project on ‘The Sea.’ Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the ‘better’ ones:

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Hope you have enjoyed and please feel free to pass on the smiles… thanks Sally

Time for some Laffs – Love makes the world go around and so does laughter


Love is universal but since time began the institution of marriage has provided comic relief….Here are few snippets on the subject.

Did you hear about the actor who got to play a man who’s been married for twenty years. Next time he hopes to get a speaking part!

☺☺☺

Two men are discussing what their wives think about them. The first man says. ‘My wife thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house.’

The second man says. ‘That’s nothing; my wife thinks I’m a God.’

‘She thinks you’re a god?’ replies the first man.’ What makes you say that?’

‘It’s obvious. Every night when I get home she places a burnt offering in front of me!’

☺☺☺

A very wealthy but miserly businessman died in an accident and when the lawyer read out the will his wife was astonished to discover that he insisted on all his money being buried with him.

On the day of the funeral as the family and friends gathered to pay their respects one of the wife’s friends stood with her arm about her.

“I understand that he wanted to be buried with all his money, how did you get it all in the coffin with him?”

The wife smiled sweetly.. “I gave him a cheque”

☺☺☺

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

☺☺☺

A woman is showing off a huge diamond on her finger to her friends. ‘This is the Klopman diamond, worth millions,’ she tells them, ‘but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’

‘What is the curse? ask her friends breathlessly.   ‘Mr. Klopman.’

☺☺☺

A police officer flags down an elderly driver and says, ‘Excuse me sir, didn’t you realise your wife fell out of the car three miles back?’

‘Thank God,’ the old man replies, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

☺☺☺

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

☺☺☺

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

☺☺☺

Want to hear an interesting story? Send a message to your wife:
“I know everything, how could you?”.

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily – St. Patrick’s Day – Pamela S. Wight, Brigid Gallagher, Jacqui Murray, Oyia Brown and Elizabeth Melton Parsons


Smorgasbord Blogger Daily

As you can imagine there are a number of St. Patrick’s Day posts today so have found a few to share with you.. First off is a wonderful post from Pamela Wight who is celebrating the first walk of spring with an Irish theme.

In March, I still don’t usually like to walk in the morning. Even though I’m a walker.

I don’t hike or run, trot or dawdle. I walk for miles for the majesty of . . . walking.

No little music plugs; instead I keep my ears open for the sound of the woodpecker and the hawk, the trill of the mocking bird and the taunt of the squirrel. I listen to the scrunch of the leaves, the low roar of the plane above me, and the soft slap of my shoes on wooden bridge and wooded path.

Continue the walk with Pamela: https://roughwighting.net/2017/03/17/marching-along/

 Most towns here in Ireland will be having a St. Patrick’s Day parade today despite the rain. And surprisingly.. although it is a national holiday in Ireland it is also a holiday is some far flung places too.  Brigid Gallagher shares some photos from her parade but also includes a few facts about the saint.

Saint Patrick is said to have been born in Britain around 385 AD to Roman citizens – Calpurnius and Conchessa. He spent six years in Ireland when he was captured into slavery, and returned to these shores in his thirties, to become a missionary to the Celts.

It is believed that he explained the theory of the Holy Trinity using our three leaved shamrock.

St Patrick’s Day is a public holiday in both the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland, the Canadian provinces of Newfoundland and Labrador, and the island of Montserrat.

Take part in the celebrations and find out more: https://watchingthedaisies.com/2017/03/17/shamrocks-and-mint-chocolate-cheesecake/

Now four book reviews in one post by Jacqui Murray – if you have not met Jacquie before, she is uniquely qualified to review books.

Jacqui Murray is the author of the popular Building a Midshipman, the story of her daughter’s journey from high school to United States Naval Academy, and the thriller, To Hunt a Sub. She is also the author/editor of over a hundred books on integrating tech into education, adjunct professor of technology in education, webmaster for four blogs, an Amazon Vine Voice book reviewer, a columnist for TeachHUB, monthly contributor to Today’s Author and a freelance journalist on tech ed topics.

The four authors that she has reviewed today are Wendy Unsworth, D.G. Kaye, Chrys Fey and Susan Scott.

Read the reviews: https://worddreams.wordpress.com/2017/03/17/3-reviews-from-blogging-authors/

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily

You cannot let St. Patrick’s Day go passed without some humour and here some from Oyia Brown that should make you smile.  The Complaining Monk.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed.

After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”  
Food cold!” the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.

Read the rest of the joke: https://oyiabrown.com/2017/03/17/the-complaining-monk/

And not to be outdone.. Elizabeth Melton Parsons has a little Irish story for you and a blessing to end this St. Patrick’s Day.

IRISH STORY

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from

America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.

“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.

Read the rest of the story and the blessing: https://elizabethmeltonparsons.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/happy-st-patricks-day-an-irish-story-and-blessing/

Thanks for joining me for the final Blogger Daily for the week and I hope you have enjoyed this small selection of the blog posts I have enjoyed today. Please leave a link to your most recent post so that I can share… thanks Sally

St. Patrick’s Day Special – Irish Weather – The Musical – Narrated by renowned author – I.V.E. Mildew


Welcome to the St. Patrick’s Day Special and my name is I.V.E. Mildew, a raconteur, author, graffiti artist and bon vivant. I have lived all my life amongst the warm hearted and generous people’s of this Isle and delight in sharing its bounteous beauty.

Ireland is renowned for its lush emerald green scenery, ancient history, singing, dancing and an abundance of the wet stuff. No, not the dark stuff served up around the world, but the reason why Guinness tastes so much better when drunk here in Ireland, and what makes our clover so bright and green.

That would be the rain my friends.

In the space of a couple of hours you can experience all of the moods and variations that the Irish weather has to offer. For over 200 days of the year that usually involves a drop of the grand soft drizzle to tumultuous downpours that flood the rivers and gullies.

When I decided to pen – Irish Weather – The Musical, little did I know that artists from around the world would claim Irish ancestory and offer their services to showcase its multiplicity with song, music and dance.

Alas two hours is not sufficient time to feature all aspects and faces of our climate, but I hope that the following renditions will give you a flavour of what can happen in just one day in the Emerald Isle.  I have puntuated the said performances with quotes on the Irish Weather from prominent wordsmiths (bigger eejits than me).

If you enjoy the excerpt from the 24 hour stage show I hope you will consider buying tickets. It is an outside performance at the RDS showgrounds for a week in August. (Weather dependent).

Your humble servant – I.V.E Mildew (Ivor to my friends)

There are many days when the raindrops come and go throughout the day for a few minutes at a time. This gentle blessing from the sky is not a problem and in fact can be turned into a magical and romantic bike ride for two….

Visitors to our beautiful country from all around the world are also inspired by our unique weather and have been heard to spontaneously burst into song in honour of the rain and the second best asset Ireland has to offer.. It’s men!

Of course we cannot forget that Ireland has some of the most beautiful women in the world.. they are like the wind….

Ireland has a number of weather satellite dishes circling the earth, but over the centuries we have discovered that if we gather on high points and dance and sing with the aid of imbibables we can summon the odd day of sunshine.

Our darling children are taught in school how to make the best use of any odd day of sunshine they may enjoy during the summer holidays (six weeks of optimism each year). Learning how to walk on sunshine is part of the syllabus.  Try this at home three times a week and it will lift your spirits too.

However rainy our Mondays (and every other day of the week) are… we are blessed to have our loved ones to turn to. And every good musical should always end up with a slow dance with the one who loves you.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day and remember whatever the weather you will always get a warm sunny welcome here in Ireland.

Dedicated to my newly discovered great, great grandmother Mary Carey of Ballinacurra, Co.Cork. Another notch in the Walsh family tree…

An invitation to an exclusive World premiere of “Irish Weather – The Virtual Musical” written for St. Patrick’s Day


I am delighted to invite you to Ireland tomorrow for the world premiere of a new stage show. Irish Weather … The Musical here exclusively on Smorgasbord Invitation.

And to get you in the mood the wonderful cast of Take The Floor in 2013. You never know what will greet you when you arrive in Dublin.

The show starts early in the morning here on the blog and will entertain you throughout the day.. much like the Irish Weather!  Bring your virtual brollies, put on your dancing shoes and lubricate your vocal chords with appropriate lubrication (Guinness and Margheritas work well).

 

Time for some Laffs – The Double Entendre and a touch Risque!


Welcome to some laffs.. a little on the risque side as some might say.. or it might be your mind!  My thanks to a number of contibutors today who I hope won’t mind that I have taken their names in vain.. Enjoy..

Little Bruce and Little Jenny from Tina Frisco – https://tinafrisco.com/

Little Bruce and little Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without hesitating, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

 

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and its sequel has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for
the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts………………………Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall…
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want
with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me
the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be
able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said,
gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

 Magic Potion courtesy of Alan Corkish -Facebook

On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an American Doctor who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband visited the Doctor who gave him some medicine in a bottle and warned,

“This is powerful medication. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the Doctor, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when those words are spoken, the medicine will not work again for six months.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

THE MORAL: we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM courtesy of Bill Wolak Facebook

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid ‎

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? *The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? *Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

And another by Bill Wolak – At the Pharmacy

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,

“HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore

Please laugh responsibly and only pass to those who you know have a sense of humour!

Smorgasbord Round up – Bruce Springsteen, Book Readings, Creative Artists and Top to Toe.


Welcome to this round up of posts during the week and a second chance for me to showcase the guests and authors and bloggers who have featured.

This blog is sustained by the everyone who comes to visit whether as a guest or to view the posts. I am not very good at talking to myself and whilst I love to write it is so much more satisfying when it is read.  So a huge thank you for stopping by and collaborating with me here.

Special thanks to William Price King for his new series on the iconic legend that is Bruce Springsteen. I have most of his music and since working on the new series I have been playing my favourite tracks and also revisiting some of his earlier work. I was only 17 when his career began and we in the UK were behind when it came to appreciating his work. I must have been in my early 20s when Born to Run hit the charts in 1975 and I have been hooked since then. Part two this coming Wednesday.

Paul Andruss is now firmly into his tenure as Writer in Residence and in addition to new and exclusive posts for the blog every three weeks, he has opened up his archives so that we can also enjoy some of his earlier posts in the intervening weeks.  This week it is an original in the form of Dorothy – My Gift from God.  At a time when Paul was in need of a work mum, Dot stepped in to offer a shoulder and a sense of humour that lifted his spirits. I am sure that when you read the post you will identify someone in your life who has occupied a similar role.

The new interactive interviews are going very well and I am delighted that so many are takiing the opportunity to ask their own questions of the guests. There are two formats for Creative Artists across every talent and the Book Reading in the Cafe for authors. Earlier in the week storyteller Raili Tanska who lives in Australia shared her live and work with us and you can still ask her questions in the link below. Yesterday author, poet and blogger Sue Vincent was in the hot seat and is looking forward to responding to you.

I would like to remind you that your participation is always valued and that if you are an author the Cafe and Bookstore with its various promotions is there for you.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore/

If you are a blogger and would like to share your most recent post then all you have to do is let me know. Either in the comments section of the Smorgasbord Blogger Daily or by email sally.cronin@moyhill.com

But for now it is time for a recap of the week’s posts…. enjoy.

New Series William Price King meets some Legends – Bruce Springsteen.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/new-series-william-price-king-meets-some-legends-bruce-springsteen-the-early-years/

Writer in Residence Paul Andruss – Dorothy – My Gift from God

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/writer-in-residence-paul-andruss-dorothy-my-gift-from-god/

Creative Artist Interview – with Raili Tanska of Soul Gifts – still open for questions.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/the-creative-artist-interview-blogger-and-storytellerraili-tanska-of-soul-gifts/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore Book Reading and Interview – Sue Vincent – still open for questions.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/11/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-book-reading-and-interview-sue-vincent/

The Colour of Life by Geoff Cronin – My father-in-law’s stories of life in Waterford in the 1920s onwards.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/05/the-colour-of-life-chapter-two-my-grandfathers-story-1930-by-geoff-cronin/      Chapter Two

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/11/the-colour-of-life-chapter-three-the-crane-1930-by-geoff-cronin/  Chapter Three

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/12/the-colour-of-life-chapter-four-the-miser-1931-by-geoff-cronin/ Chapter Four

Book Promotions – How to get the best out of a book promotion here or any blog.

Book promotions are more effective with a joint effort and to get the most out of them you need to have some basic essentials in place. Help me to share your work.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/11/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-book-reading-and-interview-sue-vincent/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore New on the Shelves

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/06/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-greenbeard-the-pirate-pig-by-andrea-torrey-balsara/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-not-by-design-getting-to-mr-right-series-by-carol-balawyder/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-modern-waste-by-marc-d-crepeaux/

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore Author Update

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-john-w-howell-alyssa-drake-and-sally-cronin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-update-ailsa-abraham-j-e-spina-and-lauren-linwood/

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily – Another 25 bloggers in the spotlight.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/06/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-6th-march-2017-skin-cancer-bullies-local-history-book-marketing-book-reviewing/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-7th-march-2017-mary-smith-john-fioravanti-anas-lair-fiona-mcvie-linda-bethea/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-8th-march-2017-olga-nunez-miret-geoff-le-pard-d-g-kaye-christy-birmingham-and-norah-colvin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-9th-march-2017-sue-vincent-christoph-fischer-phillip-t-stephens-smashwords-sarah-brentyn/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-10th-march-2017-madelyn-griffith-haynie-kevin-morris-jessica-norrie-pamela-wight-and-nicholas-rossis/

Health – Top to Toe – Heart Health

Smorgasbord Health 2017

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/06/smorgasbord-health-2017-top-to-toe-your-heart-is-only-as-good-as-the-food-you-eat/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/smorgasbord-health-2017-top-to-toe-heart-attack-warning-signs-and-symptoms-men-vs-women-2/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/smorgasbord-health-a-z-of-common-conditions-dandruff-snow-on-your-shoulders/   Dandruff

Personal Stuff

A look back at some exceptional people doing ordinary things is an inspiring way.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/thank-you-mrs-miller-luv-sally-age-four-n-haf-influencers/

Humour

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/06/afternoon-video-toddler-conducts-the-choir-behind-you/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/smorgasbord-time-for-some-laffs-and-aahh-moments-what-life-look-like/

Thank you again for being part of my week.. look forward to seeing you again. Sally

 

Smorgasbord Time for some Laffs ( and aahh moments) – What life look like!


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My lovely friend Mrs. T… author Tina Frisco has sent over some more gems to share with you....

This is what SORRY looks like.

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This is what TIRED looks like

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This is what BAD SPELLING looks like

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This is what INTIMACY looks like

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This is what COURAGE looks like

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This is what your TAX DOLLARS look like.

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This is what I CAN WAIT looks like.

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This is what IMPATIENCE looks like

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This is what A HELPING HAND looks like.

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This is what COLD looks like

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This is what BAD MOOD looks like.

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My thanks to Mrs. T. and here is how you can buy her books.

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Read the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

I hope you have enjoyed these funnies and please feel free to pass them on. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Blog Sitting Special – Mrs T – Time for some Laffs. – Some lessons in Management


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Just because I am not officially here this week… it does not mean that you are being neglected. A band of fellow writers are standing in for me this week as official Blog Sitters. I am delighted to hand you over to the delightful Mrs. T.. (also known as Tina Frisco) Please check out her books and blog in the links at the end of the post.  Thanks Sally

If you have worked in any environment you will have experienced the missteps that can occur, particularly when watching managers finding their way up the ladder. Mrs. T.. has sent me through some guidelines that will grease the ladder …. however that can also aid progress in the other direction.

Five-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie pops out. ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish,’The Genie says.

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ And poof! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas, and the love of my life.’ And poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

In a firm voice, the manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch!’

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 2
A man gets into the shower just as his wife finishes hers, when the doorbell rings. The woman quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door to Bob, the next-door neighbor.

‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,’ he says. She thinks for a moment, then drops the towel. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. She wraps the towel around herself and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks who was at the door, and she tells him it was Bob.

‘Great!’ says her husband. ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 3
A priest offers a Nun a lift. She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly has an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slides his hand up her leg.

The nun says, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removes his hand but lets it slide up her leg again when changing gears.

The nun repeats, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologizes. ‘Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighs heavily and goes on her way.

Upon arriving at the church, the priest hurries to look up Psalm 129, which reads: ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4
An eagle is sitting on a tree, resting and doing nothing.

‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ asks a small rabbit from the ground.

‘Sure, why not,’ the eagle replies.’

So the rabbit sits down, rests, and does nothing. All of a sudden a fox appears, jumps on the rabbit, and eats it.

Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey is chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighs the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

The bull replies, ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings? They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds it actually gives him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more dung, he reaches the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey is proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He is promptly spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.

Moral: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird is flying south for the winter. It is so cold that he freezes and falls into a large field. While he is lying there, a cow comes by and drops some dung on him. Frozen and covered in dung, the little bird begins to notice how warm he is. The dung is actually thawing him out!

He lies there all warm and happy, and soon begins to sing for joy. A passing cat hears him singing and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovers the bird under the pile of dung, promptly digs him out, and eats him.

Moral: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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If you would like to show your appreciation for the many laffs that Mrs T has passed over to be used anonymously on this blog and others then please check out her latest book on Amazon.

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Discover Tina’s books and read the reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Connect to Tina via her blog: https://tinafrisco.com/blog/

Thank you for dropping by today.. It would be great if you would share the laffs around and bring a smile to many more faces.. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Blog Sitting Special – Colin Chappell – Time for some Laffs – Thermodynamics of Hell and Cats vs. Pills


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Delighted to welcome author Colin Chappell to the blog sitting panel with some funnies. You can find out more about Colin and his book after you have had your laffs.

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

This student received the only “A”!

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get anther pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch Screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back anther shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scottish. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: Wrap pill in bacon. Toss it in the air.

My thanks to Colin for providing the laffs today and please show your appreciation by checking out his book on Amazon #doglovers – and his blog.

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Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FIT5PAM

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Connect to Colin via his Bloghttps://meandray.com

Thank you so much for stopping by today.. I am sure you have enjoyed Colin’s post and it would be great if you could pass it on. thanks Sally