Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – September 22nd 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Energy and Candle Power


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

   Words of Wisdom

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

 I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

 I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Candle Power

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye. Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan, And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, so I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, do you have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father. Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all.’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fekin’ candle.’

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback.…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – May 28th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Extra Cash and Army Life


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad. –

And to finish up…

A letter received by mistake

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy, and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don’t get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform.

No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing.

Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there’s hot water and a light to see what you’re doing.

For breakfast, there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no fillet steaks or sausages. You don’t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’, which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull’s head and it doesn’t move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – a piece of piss. You don’t even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don’t have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload.

Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick, and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either; it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got. I’ve only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin – he’s 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the reviews for A Desolate Garden

D. W. Peach 5.0 out of 5 stars Impressive writing Reviewed in the United States on

This is a well-written but exceedingly complex book. Set in the world of espionage, international intrigue, and political manipulations, it follows an investigation by Harry Patterson into the murders of his father and brother. Judith Meadows has been assigned to aid him, and the two of them make quite a pair. Their testy relationship adds some flavor to an otherwise cerebral read.

What do I mean by that? Between sections of expertly written dialog, the book is expository, relaying multiple family histories and the political machinations of individuals and countries on the world stage, primarily the espionage between England and the Soviet Union.

The research is impressive. I can’t say that enough. So is the tangled plot and eventual reveal. There are a lot of secrets. There are also a lot of characters, and it’s important to keep them straight. Pay attention as it’s easy to get lost.

For readers interested in fast-paced James Bond- style action, this book may not be for you since there is no action at all. For readers who love realistic espionage, historical fiction, or a deep dive into 20th-century English-Soviet behind-the-scenes manipulations, this book may be the perfect read.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally