Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
Words of Wisdom
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye. Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan, And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, so I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, do you have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father. Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all.’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fekin’ candle.’
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback.…Sally