On the 1st Day…
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
And the dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”
The Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So…. that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.
Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer : Don’t have one?
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can’t do that.
Officer : Why not?
I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Travel in Transylvania
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”
Hope you have enjoyed a chuckle or two.. please feel free to pass on.. I cannot claim ownership just a temporary custodianship! Thanks Sally