Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – August 7th 2020 – Funnies and Bad Dad Jokes Host Sally Cronin


A delve into the archives tonight with some funnies and a few jokes to ease you into the weekend.. I hope you enjoy.

And now time for some more Bad Dad Jokes.. please award groans in the comments…but do not throw anything…thank you Sally.

Why did the COFFEE file a police report
It got mugged.

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CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?”
DAD: “No thank you, just leave it in the carton!”

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Where can I go to learn HOW TO MAKE ice cream
Sundae school.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented LIFESAVERS
They say he made a mint.

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I’ve been telling everyone about the benefits of eating DRIED GRAPES.
I’m all about raisin awareness!

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What did the GRAPE do when he got stepped on
He let out a little wine.

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Want to hear a joke about PIZZA
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

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What do you call a bear with NO TEETH
A gummy bear.

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WAITER: “Do you wanna box for your LEFTOVERS?”
DAD: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”

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Some guy just hit me in the face with a CHEESE WHEEL.
How dairy.

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I was thinking of going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts!

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My wife and I were arguing as to who gets to use the MICROWAVE first.
Then things started to get heated.

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Did you hear the joke about the BUTTER
I’d better not tell you; it might spread.

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SERVER: “And how did you find your steak this evening?”
CUSTOMER: “Oh, it was easy; I just looked under the parsley.”

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What did AUNT JEMIMA say when she ran out of PANCAKES
“How waffle.”

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“You have a ‘dad bod!’”
DAD: “I like to think of it more as a father figure.”

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It’s HARD TO SAY what my wife does for a living.
She sells seashells by the seashore.

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What do you call a HIPPIE’S wife
Mississippi.

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I swapped our bed for a TRAMPOLINE.
My wife hit the roof.

I hope this has brightened your day….thanks for dropping by … Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some new material – The Cornier the better!


I have not been wasting my festive break. I needed some new material and searched my files going back 20 years to find some jokes that have not graced these pages so far…..along with a few visual funnies.

Mother-in-laws

A young married couple were having their first argument and it was a humdinger. ‘I wish I had listened to my mother and never married you’, she sobbed.

‘Do you mean to tell me,’ said her husband furiously, ‘that you mother tried to stop you marrying me?’

‘Yes she did,’ spluttered the wife.

‘Heavens above!’ the husband exclaimed. ‘How I have wronged that woman!’

 

Lost in Translation.

An American was complaining to an Englishman in a West End Hotel, that he found many English terms confusing.

‘You say “Rubbish” and we say “garbage”, he explained. ‘We say “trunk” and you say “boot” and we say “apartment” and you say “flat”. And then there is your pronounciation – I just can’t make head or tail of that!’

‘Surely there can’t be that much difference?’ said the Englishman. ‘Can you give me an example?’

‘I can,’ said the American. ‘Yesterday I was walking down Drury Lane and I passed a theatre with a big sign saying, “CATS- Pronounced success!”‘

Some more genuine exam answers….

What is a nitrate?

It is much cheaper than a day rate

What is the process for separating a mixture of chalk and sand?

It is a process called flirtation.

What happens when your body starts to age?

Your organs work less efficiently and you can go intercontinental.

What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?

Suspicious ones.

What happens during a census?

A man goes from door to door and increases the population.

Want to know how to become a millionaire?

Before going away to Hong Kong on an extended business trip, a man drove his Ferrari to a major down town Los Angles bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer naturally asked for some collateral.

The businessman offered up his Ferrari car keys and said he would repay the loan in two weeks. The loan office had the car driven into the bank’s underground car park and gave him his money in cash.

Two weeks later, as promised the man walked into the bank and asked to settle his loan and have his car back.

He paid the $5,000 plus $20 in interest by cheque and started to walk away to collect his car.

The loan officer stopped him. ‘ Excuse me sir, could I ask you a question?’ The man nodded.

‘While you away I checked the registration of the car and then googled you to discover that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?’

The man smiled. ‘Where else would I park my Ferrari safely in downtown Los Angeles for two weeks for only $20.

Thank you for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and Jokes from the archives


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two.

Thanks Debby…you are a star.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now for a couple of jokes from the archives

Ancient Mummy discovered..

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious museum.

“I’ve just found a 3,000 year old mummy,” said the archaeologist. “It’s a man who died of heart failure.”

“Bring it in,” said the curator. “We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were exactly right about the mummy’s age and cause of death,” he said. “How in the world did you know?”

“Easy,” the archaeologist replied. “He was holding a piece of papyrus that said ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.’”

Thanks to Silicon India..for that one..

Taxi Driver’s First Day on the Job

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, “Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse”.

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – More One Liners and Snippets #Jokes


All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles… Sally.

Time for some Laffs – Life span, Speeding and Highway to Hell.


amy-pacifico-cecil

On the 1st Day…

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

And the dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

The Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So…. that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

toya-richardson

An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.
Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?
I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer : Don’t have one?
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can’t do that.

Officer : Why not?
 I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!   The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

catalina-egan-with-enlightened-society-copy

Travel in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she
shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”

purple-clover

Hope you have enjoyed a chuckle or two.. please feel free to pass on.. I cannot claim ownership just a temporary custodianship!  Thanks Sally