Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – November 3rd 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Decluttering and the Demon Drink

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

 

Thanks to Debby for finding these treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally on the demon drink….

Roll out the barrel….

A woman wakes up at 4.30 in the night by some stumbling noise downstairs. She tries to wake up her husband, but the other side of the bed is empty. Rather scared she screams: “Who is that in our house?” To her relief it turns out that the cause of the noise is not a burglar, but her husband.

The noise continues for quite some time and the wife shouts: “What the hell are you doing down there?” The husband replies: “Oh nothing to worry about. I’m just trying to get a cask of beer up the stairs.” His wife gets pretty pissed off now and yells: “For the love of God, will you leave that down there.”

“I can’t”, the husband shouts back. “I drunk it.”

All that glistens…..

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?”

“The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.”

The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up.

“Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?”
– Absolutely ma’am.

“And what about golden glasses?”
– Indeed we do.

“And golden beers?”
– Most certainly.

“And even a golden urinal?”
– Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..and don’t forget to leave your name for that burger…thanks Debby and Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – October 22nd 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Rabbits and Replacement Windows

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding these treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally.

At the Dentist.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear

‘Open Wider,’ requested the dentist as he began his examination.

‘Good heavens,’ he said astonished. ‘You have the biggest cavity I have ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.

‘Ok no need to rub it in by repeating yourself.’ said the patient. ‘I am scared enough as it is.’

‘I’m not repeating myself,’ replied the dentist. ‘That was the echo.’

Replacement windows

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.
He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.
Guess he was embarrassed.

 

Thanks for dropping by and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – October 15th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding these treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now a joke or two from Sally

Allegedly from the Lonely Hearts column in ‘Ireland’s Own’ magazine of some years ago!!!

Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

———————————————————————–

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.

———————————————————————–

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning.

———————————————————————-

Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by long-time fiancé seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced b******ches.

———————————————————————–

Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

———————————————————————–

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life’s beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.

———————————————————————–

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.

———————————————————————–

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with big chest.

———————————————————————–

Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

———————————————————————–

Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who’s not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

———————————————————————–

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.

———————————————————————-

Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

 

And on that note.. we hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally and Debby.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – September 10th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin -Walking the Dog and Don’t mess with us blondes

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding these treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for some jokes from Sally –

Don’t mess with us blondes…

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

And if you have time to spare here is a selection of my Books and reviews

Sally Cronin, Buy: :Amazon US – and:Amazon UK  –  Follow:Goodreads – Twitter: @sgc58

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

Smorgasbord Afternoon Video – Debby Gies finds another Gem – Sea Otters are great mums

This week Debby Gies has been looking for afternoon videos to entertain us and I am sure you will enjoy as much as I have.

 

 

Thanks to Debby for finding this gem…

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 25th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – A Helping Hoof and Inflight Service

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally

A helping hoof

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carburettor to me.” Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. “Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked. The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Daisy.” The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carburettor to me.’” The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Daisy, son. She don’t know a thing about cars.”

Inflight service

On a long distance flight on British Airways to Australia a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would be back in five minutes for him. He was finished in two minutes and headed off by himself down one of the aisles in the opposite direction to where his mother was sitting.

In the meantime a business man entered the toilet and locked the door. After the five minutes were up, the mother went to the toilet and knocked on the door and called out, ‘Do you need a hand with your zipper?’

From behind the door, a startled male voice said, ‘Good heavens, that’s what I call service!’

And if you have time to spare here is a selection of my Books and reviews

Sally Cronin, Buy: :Amazon US – and:Amazon UK  –  Follow:Goodreads – Twitter: @sgc58

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 20th 2020 – Archive Special – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – An Old Rancher’s Advice and Wayward Parrots

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally

An Old Ranchers advice

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
• Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
• Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Wayward Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know”, he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that phrase…in no time.”

“Thank you”, the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away Frank our prayers have been answered….

And if you have time to spare here is a selection of my Books and reviews

Sally Cronin, Buy: :Amazon US – and:Amazon UK  –  Follow:Goodreads – Twitter: @sgc58

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 11th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counsellor.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.

The counsellor then turns to the husband and says, “Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?”

Being prepared…

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

Jacob: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes”.

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”

Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’re about to get married. We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”;

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 9th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now time for some jokes from the archives from Sally.

Paternity

The old man was dying and he called his wife and family to his bedside. There were four sons – three fine, big boys and a scrawny one. He said to his wife in a weak voice, ‘Don’t lie to me now – I want to know the truth. The skinny boy – is he really mine?’

‘Oh, yes, dear,’ said his wife. ‘He really is – I give you my word of honour.’

The old man smiled and slipped away peacefully. With a sigh of relief the widow muttered, ‘Thank goodness he didn’t ask me about the other three!’

Memory Games – What was its name?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

Thank you for joining us today.. we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 18th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

 

 

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now for something from Sally’s Archives…..

Papal Dispensation

After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.”I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.”So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who you got there, the Mayor?

“Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.