Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – February 2021 – Online Dating – Staying Safe


Welcome back to my Realms of Relationships Column at the Smorgasbord. In last month’s edition I talked about Online Communications regarding scam emails and how to beware of them. In this issue, I’m going to talk more about Online Romantic Relationships and what to look for when vetting potential mates.

Back in the day, meeting potential love interests entailed going out and meeting people and mingling. Now this could happen anywhere, but in my heydays, going dancing at clubs two-three times a week afforded me the chance to meet many potential dates, despite my policy ‘never to go out with anyone I met in a bar or club’, and I stuck to that. But I sure had my share of romantic relationships – often with the wrong types as I lived and learned, and many of those relationships began with people I met at the workplace.

In those ancient times, like modern times, we dated and rated our suitors through the time we spent in those relationships. Sure, socially active people out in public still do meet their significant others, but with the advent of technology, many more are going to dating sites in search of someone to fill their emptiness, looking for love. And meeting a potential suitor on the internet comes with its own set of rules – because we are getting to know someone online – sight unseen, going on the information we receive from them. But what if they’re lying about who they are? How do we vet these unknown strangers we may become attracted to, to help verify if they are who they say they are?

Let’s dig in!

We’ve come a long way from the days of getting all dressed and looking our best to go out on the town, hoping to make a connection when looking for love. Sure, it still happens, but not as much as internet dating sites and social media apps are common ground now for those searching for a mate.

As a person who studies people for a hobby, I’ve learned to adjust my sails when trying to figure out the validity of online people. I can say with authority, that there are a lot of lurkers on social media who try to hit on women. I have no doubts, that there are just as many women who prey on men too. I’m speaking as a woman who gets stalked occasionally – especially on Facebook, as do quite a few of my colleagues.

I’m going to attribute my vetting experience to being an avid watcher of police procedurals for many years – part of my fascination with studying people, curious to learn what spurs their criminal tendencies.

First up: What to beware of:

Fast Eddies – This is my name for suitors that haven’t spent enough chat time getting to know each other and who go gung-ho for setting up a live meet. Just no! There’s a lot more vetting to do before you should get to that part.

No photo – Anyone who won’t post a photo, in my books, doesn’t have good intentions, or has something to hide. And if they do post a photo, make sure you use an app like Tineye. This app allows you to plug in any photo, whether downloaded or using copy and paste, and checks the origins of the image.

Keep a list Write down facts of discovery through conversations with a potential suitor. When you write things down as you learn them, you have something to go back on when putting together the profile for that person. Make a list of their hobbies, their perspective on issues that are important to you as you discuss. Ask pertinent questions and be subtle when doing so. – For example, asking someone what their religion is might be too forward, but rewording your questions before blurting them out will get you a lot further. Instead, you might ask if the person enjoys celebrating religious holidays with family. This type of question will get you a much better answer than just a yes or no, and leave an open door to elaborate on. Let’s say the suitor responds with, “We only go to church at Christmas or Easter.” That statement allows for you to respond and ask many more questions such as: Who is we? So you’re Catholic? So you aren’t very religious? Be crafty with your questions. And write down responses.

If a potential suitor is gabbing online with you midday and told you he works five days a week, subtly slide in the question – ‘Aren’t you working today?’ It’s totally possible he was thinking about you and wanted to say hello during a break, but asking the question will give you a clearer indication, based on time chatting and what comes out of the conversation helping to determine better, the sincerity of his words.

Beware of being sucked in! It’s astounding to me the amount of people who get swooped into financial scams by fake suitors. If you learn nothing from my post here, learn this – NEVER send money to anyone courting you online. NEVER. There are plenty of scammers and desperate people among those with good intentions, and it’s our job to filter them out to remain safe.

NEVER go it alone when meeting a potential suitor for the first time in person.

Set up a first-time meet in a public place. Make sure to tell a friend or relative where you are going so somebody in your circle knows where you are.

Take your own means of transportation. Do not accept an offer from the suitor to pick you up. There are two potential dangers – getting trapped in their vehicle, and allowing them to know where you live.

If you feel enough time and information has passed between you both and perhaps you’re both ready to meet, again, make sure you set up a meet in a public place, you take your own transportation, and you’ve informed a friend of your whereabouts.

If by chance you’re ready to visit the suitor who lives in another city or country, book yourself a hotel/motel room before you go. It’s important to have a place of shelter if things go wrong. You could book it for a week or two and once you feel comfortable in person, can always cancel the rest of the booking.

What can you do to protect yourself as an online member of a dating site:

Create a new and separate email address and user-name to use for any dating site profiles, that way if things go sour with someone, and you wish to eliminate your original profile and any breadcrumbs of data that attached to your user name profile, you can rejoin with a new email address and user name with no ties to your real everyday email address or any other previously used. This way, if you had a bad experience with another member, they won’t be able to hound you.

Photos – always download a photo from your own direct source – meaning, not a photo taken from your social media that can be tracked back to original source (again, you aren’t the only one aware of apps like ‘tineye’ and others can use it to add your photo and learn more about you on social media before you’re ready for that). And be real. Use a real and ‘somewhat’ current image of yourself – not one of someone else, no other images in place of, or a photo that is decades old. If you are serious about wanting to meet someone, then you’ll eventually want to meet that person live, and ultimately, the gig will be up if you fib.

Checklist of Reminders

• Keep a list of facts, making sure they add up! –
• Financial requests? – Run fast!
• Use your instincts, don’t be gullible.

Make your rules clear. Be upfront about your rules, never agree to meet anyone in person until enough time has passed in the online chat or phone chats, before graduating to any next steps, until a trust can be felt. No throwing caution to the wind.

Learn How to Vet Online suitors

On social media, there’s a plethora of available information on each and every one of us who use the internet. You can do your own people searching by checking their various social media accounts for bios, and reading chat on those forums to get a feel for how they interact, and who they interact with, Googling them, and by checking out any available websites they are on. Remember to use the available tools on each social app to block or report anyone hassling you on any social sites. Also remember to use the settings on these apps to make your own posts available to friends only if you don’t want any lurkers.

This online dating coach, Amie knows the internet dating protocol well:

Last of all, I do want to add that after we’ve done our due diligence in vetting the potentials we chat with online, remember that just because we aren’t talking in person, our personality and character will shine through between the lines and through our words. Have you ever read a comment on social media and can just feel the smile come through? It can! So pay attention to your words and how you evoke them when trying to make a good impression. Below, find a few paragraphs from the chapter, Online Dating, from my book, Words We Carry:

“By talking, we express who we are and what we care about, what interests us. This is all part of personality and character. Maybe our passion is for our children, our hobbies, or a cause we believe in. All these things show heart and compassion. By keeping true to our authentic selves and sharing our enthusiasm with others, although our passions may not appeal to everyone, we will eventually connect with someone who appreciates our attributes.

By sharing our thoughts, we emit character. Not all of this will happen overnight, but if we take this advice in stride and adapt it to our lives, we will attract like-minded people. This applies to dating profiles, blogs, and casual conversations.

Did you know you can actually feel someone smiling through his or her words? It’s true. Smiles aren’t only visual. You can sense them when you’re reading a book or article, the same way you can sense them in a chat box or a personal bio. When somebody reads your bio, he or she receives an evaluation of who you are.

Words are powerful, so use them wisely and to their best potential. Everything you say and write on the internet follows you.”

Now, let’s discuss. Have any of you met your significant other online? Do you use dating apps? Would you like to share a story of an experience you had?

©DGKaye2021

My thanks to Debby for this detailed guide to online dating… in pays to be vigilant

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for Words We Carry

Luv2read 5.0 out of 5 stars A gem of a book  Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2021

What starts with the author’s explanation of why she wrote the book: namely to share negative experiences and obstacles in which self-esteem issues and insecurities when faced and dealt with blossom to learning self-love; this is a remarkable revolutionary read. One I wish I would have read in my earlier teen years when I struggled with my own self-esteem issues. Self-perception baggage from wounded egos, what weighs us down, fester and damage the soul the author writes. So true.

This is so well written that it’s not just an enlightening educational tool but a wonderful read from a woman not afraid to show her underbelly, huge heart, and she does it with much authenticity and talent. I resonated with so much of what she wrote in these enlightening pages, but what stands out the most is how I slid down the rabbit’s hole due to my desire to want to belong, to socially fit. I suppose all of us who relate to this unfolding have a personal story of our own. Mine was rooted in a family dynamic that made it difficult for me to have friends to my home and consequently I missed out on social bonding that helps develop a strong sense of self. It wasn’t until later in life, in high school and university, that I encountered warm satisfying friendships. By then the damage was done.

I just wish I had this book in my earlier years to have helped my younger, more formative self. Thankfully, it’s never too late to unwind wounds and deepen self-love, which is another thing I found from this beautifully powerful read. In summation, let me say I am grateful I had this recommended to me by a friend, someone whose words I respect. This gem of a book did not disappoint. Highly recommend.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US – and: Amazon UK – follow Debby: Goodreads – : Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – Twitter: @pokercubsterLinkedin: D.G. Kaye – Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

 

Thank you for joining us today and Debby would love to hear from you.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Christmas Laughter Lines – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – December 24th 2020 – Ho Ho Ho and a Besht Cishmash Reshippy.


Welcome to the laughter lines and both Debby and I would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas and hope you have time in the middle of your preparations to enjoy a bit of fun.

If you are not already following Debby’s blog here is the link D.G. Writes where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s 2020 series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

And I know how popular my traditional family recipe is so here it is again…

Besht Cishmash Reshippy.

  • 1 Cup butter
  • 1 Cup Sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 Cup dried fruit
  • 1 Teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 Teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
  • 1 Cup brown sugar
  • 1 Cup nuts
  • 1 or 2 quarts of aged whisky

Before you begin, sample the whisky to check for quality. Good isn’t it?

Select a large mixing bowl and a measuring cup. Check the whisky again as it must be just right. To be absolutely sure, pour a large glass and drink as fast as you can.

Repeat

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixy hasn’t gone bad while you weren’t looking. Open second quart if nestessazy.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat until high, If druit gest shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whiksty again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gifts a shplit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitfin shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nusts. Add 100 babblspoons of brown booger or whushever’s closhest and mix well. Greash ubben and turn the caky tin to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washing machine and set on sinch shycle.

Cheque dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.

 

Thank you for joining us today and have a wonderful Christmas.. stay safe and see you next week. Debby and Sally

Smorgasbord Christmas Laughter Lines – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – December 22nd 2020 – Sleighin’ and Tongue Twisters


Debby Gies has been scouring the web for some funnies to share with us and I am sure you will enjoy. Followed by a joke or two from me.

If you are not already following Debby’s blog here is the link D.G. Writes where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s 2020 series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Now time for something from my archives…it is the time of year when office parties and Christmas family reunions, often end up in joke telling. However, this year it is more likely to be a zoom celebration around the world. I am sure when faced with a wall of faces and after the holiday wishes have been passed around you might be at a loss of something to say.

How about getting everyone to play Tongue Twister…..just make sure you know everyone really well…

I can tell you from experience that after a glass or two of alcoholic beverages, even the most articulate will find these a challenge.. and whilst they are busy, you can grab some more trifle….

The majority of tongue twisters are designed to help students pronounce English words correctly and then there are the Drinking Games!

Each of the following should be spoken as quickly as possible.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

00000

Betty Botter bought some butter
But she said the butter’s bitter
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter
But a bit of better butter will make my batter better
So ‘twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter

00000

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood
As a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood

00000

She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

00000

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

00000

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie.

One liners that should be said as quickly as possible and repeated as many times as you can.

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards

Red lorry, yellow lorry

How many yaks could a yak pack pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Seventy seven benevolent elephants

New York Unique, Unique New York.

And here are the drinking games which are best practised sober and in private before attempting in polite company with a glass or two of wine inside you.. trust me!

I slit the sheet and the sheet slit me, slit was the sheet that was slit by me.

I am a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant pluckers son and I’ll keep plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucker comes.

Six Cockney sock cutters, cockily cutting socks.

 

 Let us know how you did…….that is if you are still talking to us…. and thanks for dropping in today…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 6th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally…Even more Bad Dad Jokes.. bonus groans on offer…

I hit my son in the head with a Diet Coke today, but he’s OKAY.
It was just a soft drink.

===
HOSTESS: “Did you have reservations?”
DAD: “Nope, I’m 100 percent confident that I want to eat here.”

===
What do you call a LONELY cheese
Provolone.

===

Did you hear about the restaurant on the MOON
Great food, no atmosphere.

===

What did the DADDY TOMATO say to the BABY TOMATO
“Catch up!”

===

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road
To go with the traffic jam.

===

I’m on a seafood diet . . .
I see food and I eat it.

===

My WIFE is on a tropical foods diet, and the house is FULL OF THE STUFF!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

===

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

===

Why did the can crusher decide to QUIT his job
Because it was soda-pressing.

===

What do you call CHEESE that doesn’t belong to you
Nacho cheese.

===

What do you call a fake NOODLE

An impasta.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 4th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally…Even more Bad Dad Jokes.. bonus groans on offer…

The rotation of the earth
really makes my day.

===

Why did the ASTRONAUT move to the suburbs
He needed more space.

===

My friends keep telling me I’m addicted to BRAKE FLUID
but I can stop whenever I want.

===

What did the MOUSE say to the camera
“Cheese!”

===

What do you get when you CROSS Microsoft Word with Dracula
A word count.

===

I was at a yard sale the other day, and the guy was asking $50 for a TV. The VOLUME controls weren’t working
but at that price, I couldn’t turn it down.

===

I got in a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.

===

The circle is the most RIDICULOUS shape in the world.
There’s absolutely no point to it.

===

Scientists got BORED watching the earth turn
so after 24 hours they called it a day.

===

How do MICROSCOPIC ORGANISMS call each other
On microphones.

===

Hey, have you ever tried to EAT a clock
It’s very time consuming.

===

SERVER: “Sorry about your WAIT!”
DAD: “Are you calling me fat?!”

===

What do you call a NOSY pepper
Jalapeño business!

===

I had a nightmare that I drowned in an ocean of ORANGE SODA
but thankfully, it was just a Fanta sea.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 30th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally…

Even more Bad Dad Jokes.. bonus groans on offer…

What do prisoners use to call each other

Cell phones.

===

DAUGHTER: “Can I watch the TV?”

DAD: “Yes, but don’t turn it on.”

===

What happened when the TWO ANTENNAS got married

Well, the ceremony was kind of boring, but the reception was great!

===

If you see a ROBBERY at an Apple store

does that make you an iWitness

===

There’s a thin line between a NUMERATOR and a DENOMINATOR

and only a fraction of people can understand that.

===

Geology rocks

but geography is really where it’s at.

===

Don’t trust atoms.

They make up everything!

===

What did the molecule say to the SUSPICIOUS molecule

“I’ve got my ion you.”

===

To the guy who INVENTED zero:

Thanks for nothing.

===

Why should you wear GLASSES during math class

They say it improves division.

===

PARALLEL lines have so much in common.

It’s really too bad they’ll never meet.

===

I was going to tell a TIME TRAVEL joke

but you didn’t like it.

===

Did you hear about that ATM who was ADDICTED to money

He suffered from withdrawals.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..thanks Debby and Sally…

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 16th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally…

Lonely Hearts Column

A doting mother, who wanted desperately to see her 25 year old daughter safely married decided to assist by placing an advertisement in the lonely hearts column of the local paper. She thought long and hard about the wording and finally submitted the following.

Beautiful and fun loving blonde, 25, good figure, loves adventure seeks male company.

Rather embarrassed on seeing her profile in the paper, the daughter asked her mother if there had been any responses.

‘Just the one,’ her mother said very grimly. ‘From your father.’

Hotel Reception.

The hotel lobby was crowded and the receptionist used the microphone to gain everyone’s attention.

‘Is there a Mr. Tateingallsmythebaxter in reception, I have an urgent message for a Mr. Tateingallsmythebaxter.’

A gentleman looked up from his paper. ‘What initial?’

Elections

It was a general election and a prospective parliamentary candidate finally finished a lengthy speech at the local town hall about his mission once elected. Feeling rather pleased with himself for delivering such a inspiring speech, he asked if there were any questions.

‘Yes’ said a bored voice from the back of the ahll. ‘Who else is running?’

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 14th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now for a joke or two from Sally…

All the fun of the Fair…..The fortune-teller

On a visit to the seaside a woman decided to have her fortune told. After crossing the palm of the fortune teller with silver, the old woman studied her hands for a few moments.

‘I see an exciting future ahead of you. I see a tall, dark, handsome man. He will be rich and he will marry you and whisk you off to a life of luxury and you will have everything your heart desires.’

‘Sounds wonderful, ‘ said the woman. ‘Just one quick question…’

‘Ask away,’ said the fortune-teller.

‘How do I get rid of my husband?’

The Rollercoaster

A hospital volunteer stopped by the bedside of a heavily bandaged patient – She inquired as to his injuries.

‘We went to the county fair last weekend and I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we reached the top of the first loop, I saw a small sign by the track, I tried to read but it was too small. I was very curious so decided to go around again, but I still couldn’t read, so went around a third time. When we got to the top I leant out of the car to get a better look.’

‘And did you manage to see what the sign said?’ asked the visitor.

‘Yes’

‘What did it say?’

‘Don’t lean out of the car!’

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – July 2020 – Calling All Fixers!


Welcome to the July edition of Realms of Relationships

Calling All Fixers

Are you that person who has a dire need to fix the people you care about? Are you that person who thinks nobody can fix things like you can? Let me tell you, I was one of those people, and I learned that there are definite limitations when it comes to thinking we can repair others—despite how much our hearts truly wish we could.

Our compassion and love fuel our desire to want to help our loved ones when we sense something is off. But it’s a fact that some issues are better left for the professionals—psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, etc. Yet, sometimes our overwhelming desire wins out, and we just can’t help but feel emboldened enough to think we’re capable of taking on the task, because, after all, we know that person intimately. We love them and take care of them, so obviously we should have no problem setting things right. But no. We cannot. And we shouldn’t feel as though it’s our job to do so either. Seems I was born with the ‘nurturing gene’ so, I’ve spent much of my life learning the hard way.

We cannot fix those who don’t wish to be fixed, nor those who even deny there’s a problem.

As I’ve mentioned in the beginning of this series, I have no PHD, but the one from life, so everything I write about is from the lessons I took in myself and any research I’ve done to confirm to myself what I learned. I’d read plenty on personality disorders, spirituality, and self- improvement since my teens. My curiosity has always been people and what makes them behave the way they do. There’s always a reason – a spark, an aha moment that can set someone off – a trigger. But diagnosing doesn’t mean we’re equipped or qualified to control or heal someone. So, I don’t write as a medical expert, but just an educated and experienced gal from the school of life.

For some of you here who may have read one of my books, you will know that I grew up observing my narcissistic mother, even though I knew nothing about the word or condition of a narcissist when I was a beginner in my quest to analyze her. I just figured it out as I got older and read books to satisfy my curiosity, then followed through learning more about them and discovered she was that.

~ ~ ~

When someone we love isn’t well, our natural instincts as carers is to try and fix what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with trying, but issues dealing with mental imbalances, such as bi-polar, manic depression, and other deep-rooted issues requiring clinical assessment are typically beyond our league. Just because we love and care for that person, doesn’t mean we have the proper experience or training to deal with such issues. Another factor could be that the affected person doesn’t realize how deep their issues go or may not even be aware they even have a problem – which should be a huge flag our loved one needs professional help.

Now, certainly we can do our best to help fix a bad attitude by offering consoling and by making best efforts to uplift our loved ones when a bad moment arises. We may offer discussion, remind them they are in a safe place to vent, reminding them we love them and care and we’re there for them, but for serious mental afflictions, it’s best they get the proper medical attention. Unless we have the medical training for some tough issues, all the talking and uplifting in the world just may not be enough.

As I wrote about here in my last article on  Empaths, for those of us who are uber compassionate people, we can sometimes become a little too eager with our desire to help those in need. Sometimes we may feel our compassionate abilities, our gift to help others, is a magic one-size fits all. But sadly, it isn’t. Because I’m not a certified therapist, I know I don’t have all the tools to fix everyone I wish to, despite my best efforts and intentions.

I’ve collected many broken people flocking to me since I was a young girl – starting with my father, who, incidentally, did do his best to follow my advice, although, love and broken hearts have a will of their own, and with that, I’ll just say that at least I could still be there for his heavy landings when my mother would once again make him feel small. His hurt held a space inside my heart that ate away at me for my entire childhood and beyond. Those were my early days of becoming the parent to my father. And even at the tender age of seven, my great need to stop the hurt and stand up to my mother for the love of my father were the beginnings of my desire to become the fixer of everyone’s unhappiness.

I inherited my empathy from my father whose giant heart was smitten, and consequently, ensnared by a beautiful girl with opportunistic intentions. It was that one day when my dad dropped me off back at home after our Sunday visit that my desire to be a fixer was born.

My dad pulled up around our circular driveway, put the car in park and hugged my younger siblings goodbye as I stayed an extra few moments in the front seat so we could have our alone time for a little longer. When he hugged me goodbye, he had tears in his eyes and asked me, his seven years-old little girl, if I would please ask Mommy to take him back. Just like that—just like I wasn’t seven. He was broken, and it broke me. Not surprising I grew up with a strong desire to fix people. I was also empathetic toward my mother. Despite my resentments toward her, I continued to do things to please and appease her—even when my own heart wasn’t in it.

I tried so many times through the years to offer her ideas to better her health. I offered to buy her supplements I knew would benefit her, approved by my own naturopath, but she’d mock me with her usual derogatory names, the same old lines—“You think you’re so goddamned smart,” a common and familiar phrase. ‘Hocus pocus bullshit’ was how she referred to anything she wasn’t versed in because if she wasn’t informed, or advised by her trusted drug- pushing doctor, her  Narcissistic self would not tolerate being outshined. I didn’t know it then, but it took a few more decades of mental anguish to learn she suffered a superiority complex of grandeur, she couldn’t tolerate it if someone was smarter, better, prettier, than her.

I found this so weird because my mother never even graduated high school, but nobody would have known the better because she’d deny it to your face even though she knew the truth. Yup, that was my mother, and as my patriarchal ancestors would say, she ate my    kishkes’ out‘. (This is a Yiddish cliché expression. In direct context, ‘kishke’ is comparable to Scottish haggis.)

There was no fixing my mother, but eventually, I learned why. There was no fixing her like there was no fixing a man I wasted seven years of my life with before I met my own husband. Yes, seven crazy years – I stayed wayyy too long at that prom—to the point I was risking my life.

It didn’t take me seven years to figure it out. All the signs were apparent in the first year, but I was sure I could fix him. Oh yes, dependable me, once I was committed, I was adamant to make things work. After stringing together bits and pieces of our conversations and witnessing some uncalled for, explosive incidents, I began to feel an eerie discomfort around him. I concluded he was manic-depressive, only he wasn’t aware of it. I studied his patterns of anger escalation, especially volatile when fueled by alcohol. And my stubbornness only led me to becoming trapped without an expensive exit. This story is a book in itself – one I have a dire need to write about to be of help to those women who are trapped with their abusers, but unfortunately, I’m still living in the fear he is out there somewhere, which was the original inspiration for taking a pen name.

I lived through countless ‘I love yous’, ‘I’m so sorrys’, ‘I promise I’ll changes’, until I heard ‘If I can’t have you, nobody will.’ I knew by the first year I had to leave, but sadly, it took me six more to put it in action. I learned a lot about psychological intimidation – as both, a receiver then a player, and how to use it to my advantage. But it turned out I was far from equipped to handle the mess I’d grown myself into with that relationship. And quite frankly, from that chunk of my life, I learned the scary repercussions there could be from trying to fix a volatile volcano.
In the end, what I learned after narrowly escaping with my life, there is no magic potion to fix all the people we wish to fix. In fact, depending on the issues our loved one is dealing with, we can actually, sometimes, be putting our own lives in danger.

We can be loving and supporting by trying to help people get the proper help they need. When it comes to immersing ourselves into trying to help someone whose issues are beyond our medical education, the best thing we can do for those who suffer is find them the appropriate help and be there to support, not fix.

Do you find yourself being a ‘fixer’? I’m all ears if you’d like to share. 😊

©D.G.Kaye 2020

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for Twenty Years After “I Do”

Jane Sturgeon rated it Five Stars.

A gift for anyone who lives and loves….

This special book is full of warmth, love, laughter and much wisdom. It tackles difficult topics with Debby’s lovely, open style and has many nuggets of advice that are helpful. It is a beautiful anniversary gift to her husband Gordan, a loving testimony to how they are together and a gift for us all. This wonderful sharing, so well written, connects us with a deep understanding of how love can overcome many challenges. Thank you, Debby, for sharing your life and your gifts.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US

and: Amazon UK

More reviews and follow Debby: Goodreads

Connect to Debby Gies

Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – About me: D.G. Kaye –
Twitter: @pokercubster Linkedin: D.G. Kaye
Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

My thanks to Debby for taking on the challenge this year of exploring the complexity of relationships, and sharing strategies to improve the way we manage those important to us.  As always your feedback is very welcome. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 25th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now for a few words from Sally… more snippets from the archives.

  1. All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.
  2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  3. Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  5. .I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  6. .I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  7. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  8. The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
  9. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  10. No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  11. Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.
  12. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
  13. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  14. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  15. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  16. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  17. I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
  18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  19. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  20. I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
  21. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  22. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.
  23. I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  24. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thank you for joining us today.. we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Debby and Sally.