Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Rewind- September 2nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Eggs and Talking Dogs


Time for a rewind of funnies from the archives and we hope you will enjoy again.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord: Realms of Relationships – Soul Mates

Now something from Sally

A Talking Dog

A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.”

“So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 17th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Cross Vases and Nuns….


Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord: Realms of Relationships – Soul Mates

Now something from Sally

With all the travel restrictions and things we have to remember it is easy to forget the other pitfalls we came across on our trips.

A little night action

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager. “Never better.”

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Travel in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 12th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Synchronization and Squirrels!


Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

Now for some little known facts (if you wish to dispute the facts then please take it up with the management!)

  • Orville Wright the inventor of the aeroplane was involved in the first aircraft accident. His passenger an American was killed.
  • The first Englishman to be killed in an aeroplane accident was Charles Rolls of Rolls Royce.
  • Thomas Jefferson grew the first tomatoes in the United States – he wanted to prove to the Americans that they were not poisonous which is what people believed at the time.
  • The UK established the first speed limit in 1903 and it was 20 mph.
  • Sunglasses became popular in the 1920’s when movie stars began to wear them to counteract the photographer’s bright lights.
  • Ties were first worn in Croatis which is why they were called cravats or al la croate
  • The first ever CD single was Brother’s in Arms by Dire Straits
  • The first duplicating machine was invented by James Watt the inventor of the Steam Engine in 1778 (patented 1780) to help him with all the copying he had to do for his steam engine.
  • Britain’s first national Lottery was in 1567 to pay for public works and the top prize was £5000
  • Watching tv uses up 50% more calories than sleeping.
  • Ben and Jerry ice cream makers send their waste to local pig farmers – Pigs love all the flavours except for Mint Oreo
  • Henry 1st 1100 to 1135 decreed that the distance between his nose and the tip of his index finger on his outstretched arm was a yard. He is also credited with creating the first zoo.
  • Contrary to popular belief squirrels cannot contract or carry the rabies virus – I assume that they have been tested to find out why and their findings applied to rabies research.
  • Camels are born without a hump and their spine is always straight.
  • Every year in the US more people are killed by deer than any other animal.
  • In ancient Greece women counted their age from the date they were married. That makes me 41 years old.. brilliant…
  • The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896 – it lasted 38 minutes.
  • South American Gouchos used to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a days riding to tenderise the meat. I assume the steak… Not their own!
  • Genghis khan’s cavalry rode female horses so the soldiers could drink their milk.
  • During your lifetime you will eat about 27,000 kilos of food.
  • Milk chocolate was invented by Daniel Peter who sold the concept to his neighbour Henri Nestle. I am sure he lived to regret that transaction!
  • The Teabag was introduced in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan of New York.
  • The French Philospher Voltaire drank 50 cups of coffee a day. Mmm I think I might be prone to philosophise after that many cups. 

They are pretty old and therefore subject to numerical inaccuracies and probably exaggeration, manipulation and downright misinformation…..

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 3rd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Television and Alligators


Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

  

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

Being a maid.

There is a story about Dorothy Parker, the American author, whose maid handed in her notice after finding a live alligator in the bath one morning. Her note stated ‘I cannot work in a house where there is an alligator in the bath. I would have mentioned this when I took the job, but I didn’t think the issue would come up!’

Never miss an opportunity?

An elderly lady was introduced to a doctor at a dinner party and immediately struck up a conversation. ‘I wonder if I could ask you a question? I have been getting these pains in my side and up my right leg as well what do you think might be the problem?’

‘I’m sorry but I’m not that kind of doctor.. I am a Doctor of Economics.

‘Oh I see,’ said the lady, ‘Well, in that case should I sell my British telecom shares.’

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 29th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Dogs and Tact


Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

   

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

Interviews

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 22nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Variety and Icelandic Nights


Welcome to the Laughter Lines where Debby shares some gems she has discovered on her travels and I air some jokes old and new.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

First Aid Course

At the weekly meeting of the Women’s Institute, one of the members was enthusing about the recent First Aid course she had attended. ‘It was a lucky thing that I went on that course,’ she said. ‘I was coming down the High Street yesterday when I heard a big crash behind me. I looked round and there was this poor chap who had been knocked down by a taxi. He was covered in blood, and he looked to have a broken and a compound fracture of the leg – and possibly a fractured skull. And then I remembered what I had learned on my First Aid course. So I bent over and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’

A magnificent Feat…

A guy came ashore outside Calais having swum the Channel in record time. There was a big crowd waiting for him and one of the Frenchmen said ‘Magnifique! You have performed a great foot!’

‘You mean feat, don’t you?’ said the swimmer.

‘Mon Dieu!’ exclaimed the Frenchman. ‘You ‘ave swum both ways?’

Quite the alibi needed.

There was a big murder trial in Iceland recently. At one point the counsel for the prosecution is alleged to have asked a witness.

‘Will you tell the court where you were on the night of 10th November to the 6th of March!’

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – July 2021 – The Universe Brings us Kindred Spirits


The Universe Brings us Kindred Spirits

Welcome to my new edition of Realms of Relationships. I’d first like to thank Sally again for keeping my spirit alive while I’ve been transitioning through both my journey of the loss of my husband, and a great big move I did in the midst of my grief – a story which deserves a post on its own, and there will surely be one coming on my blog.

As the title of this series implies, my articles are about the many realms involved in the relationships we have and encounter in life with the people already in our lives, and the people we meet. So today I’m going to discuss Kindred Spirits – what sort of people are they, and how and why they enter our lives?

The universe brings us what we need in a single moment whether or not we asked for it or focused our thoughts on something, The universe will orchestrate a meeting of happenstance with a person(s) we share a kindred spirit with. This works similar to how we  ‘meet people for reasons and seasons’. I have lived it many times, yet, it still never ceases to surprise me. I am always open to receive, and that is the key.

So what exactly defines ‘Kindred Spirits’?

“Kindred spirits are like-minded and like-souled people with whom an instant connection of love and understanding is mutually experienced.” Clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PH.D., tells MBG.

“The connection is inimitable and often defies verbal description.” 

This secret mission of the universe seems to work by the universe recognizing someone gels with us by connecting us with those we share a common experience with, and arranges this person to, coincidentally, show up into our lives randomly in a time of our need. We encounter new kindred spirits, magically, when our lives turn in a new direction and we serendipitously run into, or we’re introduced to someone helpful and/or compassionate, often at the precise time in our lives we are eager to welcome them.

Kindred spirits are typically those we attract to because we share common interests, values and/or views with them, and often, people who have shared same experiences as us. Kindred spirits typically resonate on the same soul frequency as we do. As we are all mostly made up of energy, it’s like our energy radars are flashing at the same frequency as a new kindred spirit passes our way. A kindred spirit isn’t necessarily always someone we already know, but someone new we meet and feel an instant comfort level and easily bond with on issues in common that connects us.  Often, we meet kindred spirits randomly. We can be out somewhere at an event, or even at the corner store, for that matter. A sudden conversation strikes up, and instantly we can recognize that kindred soul because their path or beliefs or experiences in life are similar to our own, making us feel automatically drawn to them, and vice versa. Kindred spirits are people who connect with our souls. There is a mutual understanding, and we are on the same wavelength with this kindred spirit. They get us, we get them as our lives will have contained parallel experiences that draw us to one another. Kindred spirits often share our same values and humor – another soul who understands our soul.

A kindred spirit is one who seems to have an inner knowing of us, even though we barely just met, but often that is why we met. It’s people who sync with us and resonate with our vibe, and often our circumstances.

Note that kindred spirits are not the same as soulmates. Soulmates are different from kindred spirits. Kindred spirits are people who are drawn together in friendship by similar circumstances and spontaneity. Often soulmates are very different from their other half.

Soulmates also have histories of past lives being together. Kindred spirits can be a fleeting meet with someone out of the blue that serves a purpose in our lives. They may stay only for a season, or come and go in our lives as circumstances change.

Don’t confuse kindred spirits with lifelong friends. Some kindred spirits may fall into our paths for just a short time, and maybe even just once. The length of time spent with them shouldn’t be measured. They may come into our lives precisely at a time we need them, and they may leave just as fleetingly once our purpose of the meeting has been fulfilled. With a kindred spirit, what counts is the innate connection between us for however long they fill their purpose in our lives. Again, we meet people for reasons and seasons.

How you may be able to tell if someone is your kindred spirit.

A kindred spirit senses our needs. They may call or show up at just the right moment when we could use a hug or comforting conversation, and be gone just as quickly. The energetic fields of two kindred spirits are like fireflies connecting.
They come by when we need a lift from their presence or to impart words of wisdom in a dark moment.

Kindred Spirits I’ve encountered lately

Ironically, I discovered when I moved, I seemed to be living on the ‘Widow’ floor. As my new apartment is close to the elevator now, and with all the lugging of trolley loads of my belongings for weeks up and down between the two apartments, a few women caught me placing a key in the door and introduced themselves to me. It seems the commonality I had with both Sheila and Bernice was that we all moved into a smaller unit from the grand three bedrooms we all lived in with our spouses. Both these ladies introduced themselves to me as they welcomed me to the third floor. Both women suffered similar losses to mine with their husbands dying of cancer.

Now, since I have the ability to size up people I meet within minutes, I knew neither of these women were going to become my new best friends, but we shared a kinship with our grief. They came to me in my direst moments of sadness and held conversations with me about widowhood and grief. I met them roughly two days apart. And both showed immense compassion for my situation.

Both these ladies felt a need to recap their lives to me about their husbands. I could barely get a word in edge-wise with either of them. They both told me how their wonderful sons helped them move and help them more now in their lives. Sheila offered me an invitation to knock on her door whenever I am feeling blue, when the grief is overwhelming. She told me she lived it all a few years ago and warned me the pain of grief will never go away, adding, it just becomes a bit more tolerable, but that’s it. Sheila told me the first year was overwhelming, the second year was a smidge easier, then added that the heartache never really goes away. Not very inspiring, and not anything I hadn’t already imagined.

Both these ladies showed up in my life and welcomed me to visit them when I was having a bad day. It was a comfort to know there were others around me who understand grief. In our brief conversations, my water works turned on spontaneously, and I had no shame I was sobbing in front of strangers I’d just met.

Do I think these women are going to become my lifelong buddies? Not at all. We have nothing in common but the fragile thread of loss and widowhood. They offered me a safe place and a chance to tell my story – something I feel compelled to let others know because talking about my husband is my only sense of release, other than tears. I released my heart and tears and went on about my business. In those moments, I appreciated those olive branches, even though I most likely won’t ever knock on their doors.

These women’s encounters with me were a perfect example of how the universe sends people our way when it knows we could use a ‘kindred spirit’. In my case, someone who has been through the circuit of the loss of a spouse. It was timely and appreciated in the moment, although, truthfully, when I’m in my dark place, I don’t enjoy talking to strangers, heck, when I’m there, I don’t want to talk to anyone. Period. But when I do feel like talking, it is my longtime friends who know me well, and knew my relationship with my husband that give me most comfort. When I feel the need to speak of him, it is comforting for me to talk about him to those who understood our relationship. But these kindred spirits who came to me were comforting in the moments that I met them. Most likely they were just some of the people I’ll meet for reasons and seasons, and in those moments I chatted with them, it somehow helped to unburden my overwhelmed soul.

I align kindred spirits with the old saying that the universe sends us what we need at the various moments and pathways of our lives. Some stay, some go, and new ones will come along as life progresses and new circumstances occur. Keep your eyes and heart open to these special people who appear in our lives precisely in the moments we need them.

Do you have any outstanding memories of a kindred spirit who came into your life at the right moment?

©DGKaye2021

My thanks to Debby for this exploration of kindred spirits and please share with us your experiences of this almost fateful arrival of people in your life and certain times.

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.

I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:

“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for P.S. I Forgive You

Harmony Kent 5.0 out of 5 stars A Book Everyone Should Read Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 28 April 2021

As soon as I saw what this book was about, I had to read it, and I am so pleased I did.

Because of the difficult subject matter, and my own history, I had to take a deep breath before I plunged in. Not only has this writer’s honesty and bravery helped me to understand my parents a little better, it has also shown me precisely what my sister has become. I’d missed that, and this explains so very much.

It is a sad fact of life that, all too often, the victim becomes the perpertrator, unless we have the insight and strength to do something about it. I have long joked that I’m the reverse ‘black sheep’ of my family, and it seems to me that Debby is too. For all our successes, and the miracle of growing into well-adjusted adults in spite of it all, we will never be accepted by a parent who demands that we live their lies, manipulations, and abuses. The same with any sibling who demands the same.

Some lines that resonated with me in particular:

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US – and: Amazon UK – follow Debby: Goodreads

Connect to Debby Gies – Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – About me: D.G. Kaye – Twitter: @pokercubster Linkedin: D.G. Kaye – Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 6th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Handwriting and more Oddities


Welcome to laughter lines with some gems from Debby Gies who has been keeping an eye open for funnies online and some jokes from Sally.

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

And a few more oddities

Teamwork is essential, it lets you blame someone else.

Experience is a great teacher, no man wakes his second baby just to see it smile.

Why do people who love at gypsy fortune-tellers take politicians seriously.

Politicians try to get money from the rich and votes from the poor by promising to protech each from the other.

Never argue with the guy who packs your parachute.

Everything is relative. Break a mirror at ninety-eight and you will be delighted to be facing seven years of bad luck.

The major side effects of medical treatment today is bankruptcy.

There’s nothing like a little experience to upset a perfectly good theory.

If computers get too powerful, we can organise them into committees – That will do them in.

A martyr is a person married to a saint.

Thanks to Wise Crackers for Smart Cookies 1992, recently found on my shelves..and considering the oddities are nearly 30 years old… it shows how little things have changed…

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 27th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – #Domestic and #Court Humour


Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.   If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

 

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

How do court reporters keep a straight face?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about  it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you messing with me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally …

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – Forming Healthy Relationships – Rewind – What’s Inside the Box?


As many of you already know that D.G. Kaye’s husband passed away on April 7th and our thoughts are with her during this sad time.

Debby is working on her next Realm of Relationship Column  but rather than have the pressure of a deadline, we thought we might share the first posts of the series which began in January 2020 every Monday to bring new readers to the blog up to speed

Forming Healthy Relationships – What’s Inside the Box?

Welcome back to this month’s edition of Realms of Relationships. In this segment, I’m delving into how we judge and are judged by others – First impressions and Body language and discovering what’s underneath the wrapping.

As humans, we are often judged by our outward appearances first. But if we never gave someone a chance to approach us to potentially form a friendship or relationship just because we couldn’t see beyond appearance, our circles would be pretty limited.

People come wrapped in all assortments. Who and what we attract or gravitate to stems from the vibe we give off – this vibe consists of a combination of traits we emit with our words, body language, and our physical appearance. All these elements comprised will help to determine who chooses to approach us.

Our demeanors and physical appearance send signals to others leading them to form a perception of what we’re all about. But without learning what’s on the inside, and perhaps what’s perceived as a first impression, we may not always adequately represent who we really are. Depending on how we choose to present ourselves on a given day, we’ll undoubtedly be judged by our actions as first impressions, so it’s a good idea not to misrepresent ourselves. Sadly, society does label people based on appearance, and as much as appearances do play a part in determining who we approach and how we’re accepted, appearance alone is not a great indicator of what’s inside our box.

Now we all know the old saying – don’t judge a book by its cover, but sadly, it’s human nature that people are judged by their covers. Yes, it’s unfair, but there are shallow thinking people among us. And pity for those who judge because they may just be missing out on opportunity for a satisfying relationship or friendship because they couldn’t see beyond difference.

What do we want most from a relationship? Acceptance, love compassion, trust, understanding, communication and reciprocation. These are the most important qualities a relationship should offer, and the qualities that will sustain a solid relationship. These aren’t qualities you can necessarily decipher based on looking at an individual. Yes, it’s easy to make judgement, but until we learn about what’s behind the cover, we aren’t able to make a complete assessment.

We are hard-wired for judgement. We all have our own version of what’s acceptable to us and peeves we hold in our mental lists of what we seek out of a relationship. But maybe we need to look beyond those physical peeves and explore personality and values.

Example Interview – Making Judgment:

Example: Mr. Brown goes for a job interview. He shows up looking rather disheveled. His stained shirt with no tie and in dire need of a haircut, and unprepared answers for interview offer no redeeming qualities to jump out at the interviewer to even put him in consideration for the job.

Next in is Mr. Green. His plaid shirt is in huge clash with his flowery tie, and his pants hiked up from the last flood make him look as though he’s from another era. He’s clean shaven with a respectable haircut, poses questions about a potential job he’s excited to have, has a cheery disposition and on point with all his answers.

Who will get the job?

It’s not difficult to guess who gets the job. But physically, none of these gents sound like they’re anywhere near Adonis-looking. In fact, if either of these men were walking down a street, some may take a double look and keep moving because judgment has been made, so no further inquiries required.

But here’s what we got from the short interview with these two guys. Mr. Brown gives us the impression of bad hygiene, and that’s a turn-off. His lack of concern for grooming – a haircut or clean clothes, and no ambition, holds little interest for anyone, especially when the idea of interview is to make a good impression. On the other hand, Mr. Green may be sorely lacking in fashion sense, but his clean-cut demeanor, enthusiasm, sunny disposition and quick comebacks in reply to questions make him a prime choice for the job.

*****

In that short example, we learned a bit about what these men looked like, how they presented themselves, a bit of their personality, and a glimpse into their ambition. The interviewer took in all these qualities demonstrated to him and made his choice based on best redeeming qualities for the job. And this little study is an example of the way we should qualify people as relationship potential – only some get caught up in the ‘physical looks’ of someone, sadly overlooking some wonderful qualities for relationship material with some of those who didn’t make the looks list.

Now, when it comes to poking fun at men who wear white shoes or sandals with white socks, I admit, that vision does not set off any wild desire for me, lol. But to pass up a potentially good date or friendship with someone who could be fun and interesting, just because they wore ‘the white loafers’, could turn out to be a missed opportunity – especially if that guy has many outstanding other qualities.

If we didn’t bother taking the time to talk for awhile and get to know the guy, we would have missed out at being pleasantly surprised at finding he is very charming with stimulating conversation, and we lost out for judgment. Sure, it’s possible if we had a conversation with the guy, he could well turn out to be boring and insensitive, which would give me confirmation I’m not interested. But without getting to know something about a person we shouldn’t make judgement because fashion faux pas can be cured, but rudeness or ignorance usually can’t. And to be honest, on first meeting with someone who offers no redeeming qualities and exhibits a lot of personal issues, leading to having to try and fix that person, those days are long done for me. But that was a different time and story.

Cute Story

I never really had a ‘type’ when it came to men. In fact, no two men I ever dated had any resemblance to any other one I dated. But I do have standards and if they aren’t met then all the charm and champagne wouldn’t tempt me.

When I met my husband, he didn’t wear white shoes, but he wore ‘wide ties’ circa 80s. By our 3rd date, we were already in ‘I feel like I know you all my life’ mode, and in our shared sense of humor I felt comfortable and jokingly ( even though I meant it), I told him from now on I’m going to buy his ties. I’ve been his fashion consultant ever since.

My husband ticked off many great qualities on my standards list, but as much as I know he did try his best, matching ties with patterned shirts can be a tricky thing. Hubby was always well-dressed and groomed but he had met the fashion guru and then one day that BOX of ties he had from a decade or two past that his sister had given him from a time she worked in garment manufacturing, went to the donation box. All those ‘Saturday Night Fever’ ties weren’t missed, and the guru began a whole new collection over the years they’d spend together.

When I met my husband, he had a smile to light up a room, quick wit comebacks, a generous heart, and most of all, he made me laugh. I got all that from a 10 minute conversation. If I’d met him under different circumstances, I may have overlooked him. But I was introduced to him by a mutual friend, which gave us a few moments to chat among us. And despite his outdated flowery tie, I felt an instant attraction to him. Because I took time to look inside the box.

Short Excerpt from my book – Words We Carry

You can get the book here: http://smarturl.it/bookWordsWeCarry .

When forming friendships and relationships of the heart, we tend to gravitate toward likeminded individuals, or we attract people based on how we represent ourselves. People with healthy attitudes about themselves tend to fall into relationships with those who share similar attitudes and values. The level of self-confidence we project sets the tone for who we attract.

Women will often ask, “How did that girl latch on to him? What did he see in her?” Do you ever look at a couple and notice that perhaps one of them isn’t particularly attractive while the other is? You’re left scratching your head, trying to figure out what the attraction was, without realizing there’s so much more to our composition than physical appeal. More than likely, kindness, wittiness, and compassion sparked those relationships. The traits we expose of our personalities are what calls attention to us.

People like to be around happy, positive people. Those qualities are natural attracters. Physical beauty and sexiness aren’t enough to solidify a relationship if someone has nothing more to offer. Yes, it’s true that there are some shallow people out there who’ll only go out with “beautiful” people, but if those people continue relationships based only on looks, they may find their partners displaying other negative qualities—and at that point they have sacrificed happiness for vanity. It does happen. Physical beauty alone is no foundation for a happy, healthy relationship.

You can find the other posts in the series: D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

©D.G.Kaye

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for Have Bags Will Travel

marjorie mallon 5.0 out of 5 stars A fun travel/shopping memoir which will have you laughing Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 21 February 2021

I read this as part of #ireadcanadian., @ireadcanadian #nowmorethanever.

This is such a hoot, what a laugh! Have Bags Will Travel is such an entertaining read which gives you an insight into D G Kaye’s character, her shopping obsession, packing troubles, germaphobia, and brushes with airport security. Enjoy her recollections on the glamour and glitz, her love to travel and a nostalgic aspect to it all.

Her friend Zan shares her shopaholic tendencies too. The two of them together… can you imagine? A red head, blonde explosion of zaniness! I love the part when they end up at Buckingham Palace and chat to a Beefeater, the royal guard and after which… it gets funnier by the moment.

Have Bags Will Travel gives a historical account of how much easier it used to be to take overstuffed baggage through airports in the good old days. Now, it seems that D G Kaye will resort to anything to get her shopping home.
Zan and D G Kaye also travel to Paris and end up shopping for shoes!
There are manmade toboggan rides in Muskoka, Canada.
Trips to Venezuela: Margarita Island and Caracas with cousin Eileen.
Las Vegas, Then and Now – gambling/casinos, fond memories of the author’s love of the desert.

Have Bags Will Travel is just what we need right now, a good giggle! There is also a section at the back of the book with Helpful Travel tips. A short, entertaining read. Highly recommended, especially for the shopoholics and travel enthusiasts in your life!

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

 

My thanks to Debby for taking on the challenge of exploring the complexity of relationships, and sharing strategies to improve the way we manage those important to us. As always your feedback is very welcome and Debby will respond to you comments when she can. Thanks Sally