Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – April 30th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Onions and other Favourite Things


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad. –

Plus as a special –  two of Danny’s books are FREE until 5th May – links at the bottom of the funnies.

May be an image of text that says "THE RECIPE SAID ΤΟ DICE THE ONION. WENT Το A LOT OF EFFORT BUT I'M PLEASED WITH THE RESULT."

May be an image of text that says "9 OUT OF 10 HUSBANDS AGREED THAT THEIR WIVES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. THE 10TH HUSBAND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED."

May be an image of 1 person and text that says "They're cute and look harmless but they are loud, incredibly expensive to keep, and absolutely untrainable! The other one is a kangaroo. I don't know anything about kangaroos... know"

May be an image of text

May be an image of text that says "They say we learn from our mistakes... That's why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius!"

And to finish up…

Julie Andrews Turning 84-this is hysterical!

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was My Favorite Things from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It!) – If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.)

 

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the reviews for A Covenant of Spies

Brian Kitchen 5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent spy novel.  Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 5 January 2020

Daniel Kemp has written another excellent spy novel about Patrick West, the chairman of the British Joint Intelligence Committee. In this novel Patrick is attempting to unravel a web of deceit centred around Nikita Kudashov, an intelligence operative, who wants West to extract his grand-daughter from Moscow.

As West delves deeper into Kudashov’s history, he finds links to operations he took part in himself back in the 1980s and a trail that leads to an old enemy and also involves the Machiavellian machinations of his old boss Dickie Blythe-Smith.

I won’t spoil the plot for readers, but I was engrossed by the story and really enjoyed it. I enjoy reading the novels of John le Carré, Len Deighton and Graham Green and think this novel would appeal to readers who also like those writers.  

FREE until May 5th

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – April 16th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Treasure and Donkeys!


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

And to finish up…

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for £10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is… being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery… even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and just cover your own!

 My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the recent reviews for The Story That Had No Beginning

Feb 23, 2021 Roberta Cheadle rated it five stars

This book is an interesting and complex story about twins, Tom and Alice Collins, who enter the foster care system at a young age and are raised separately. The book starts with Alicia Collinson, aka Alice Collins, and her sophisticated boyfriend hosting two friends for a dinner party. Unknow to the dinner participants, the ghost of her brother Tom, known as Bobby Brown among his peer group, is also in attendance. It is obvious from the start that Alicia is a woman of good financial circumstances who mingles with the elite of London’s society. It also becomes evident quite early on, that Tom’s life has followed a very divergent path and he was a member of the mafia-styled criminal class.

The book follows the paths of the twins and how they come to end up in their different circumstances and lifestyles. Alicia is a well-know and talented photographer who owns her own home in London and has plenty of money. Tom has money, albeit ill gotten, but he dies the death of a criminal.

Tom is a conflicting character as he is a man involved in high class prostitution and other shady and illegal dealings. Despite being a seasoned criminal, his narration of the story reveals a different side to his character. One that questions the life he lived and celebrates the good fortune and success achieved by his sister.

Alice or Alicia has the great good luck to become the protegee of a wealthy single woman with no children who effectively adopts her and sets her on the road to success in her chosen field of photography. Unknown to the naïve Alicia, her benefactor isn’t everything she appears to be and some of the people she socialises with are infamous for their continuous promiscuous behaviour with the same, or the opposite, sex. In a contrast to her brother, Tom, who is in the centre of the debaucherous lifestyles led by the wealthy upper classes of London, Alicia hovers around the edges, not realising what is right in front of her.

The author has an in-depth knowledge of the illicit behaviour of the British upper class and paints a detailed picture of how greed, selfishness and a complete disregard for the values and ethics of society lead to the downfall of people.

This book will make you question what success is all about and whether it leads to contentment as the stories of the many characters unfold. This is thought provoking tale as despite the huge difference in the siblings financial and social positions, both of them end up with money but neither of them have good reliable partners or simply and happy lives.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – February 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Flying first class and Shakespeare insults


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp  .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

And finally…..

A man has two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.

As he sits down, another chap comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”………, he says,………….. “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” he said, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final,…………..the biggest sporting event of the year,……………….. and not use it?”

“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me”…. he replied……………………….” My wife was supposed to come with me ….. but she has passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry to hear that……. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

“No,” he says shaking his head… ………” they’re all at her funeral”.

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

 

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – And Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp keeps us entertained daily on Facebook with his witty jokes and funny images.. by popular request he has agreed to do another open mic night for us here today…

And a joke or two….

Yesterday Paddy Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, in Dublin. They sat down on a bench to rest. After a few minutes, they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot behind the bushes & Mrs. Murphy realised that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to appear to be eavesdropping at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband & whispered, “Go on, Paddy, whistle & let that young man know that someone can hear him.”

Murphy stammered, “Wh. .wh .whistle?. .. Wh.wh.why should I whistle? . . . Sure, nobody whistled to warn me !!” ….

Be careful what you say in public.

A young Minister about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.

“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the old Minister told him.

“For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'”

He smiled at the young Ministers shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”

The next Sunday the Minister nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”

He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken.

“But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Danny

An extract from a recent review for A Covenant of Spies

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars An erudite, complex tale. A covenant of Spies  Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 16 April 2020

Daniel Kemp’s latest book ‘A Covenant of Spies’ is everything that I have come to expect from him; an erudite, complex tale, that is so well developed, he, quite seriously, makes me wonder if he really does know something that the rest of us can only imagine.

Just in case you’re not familiar with Daniel Kemp’s work…He writes political thrillers and A Covenant of Spies is the fourth book in his ‘Lies and Consequences’ series. His books are beautifully researched and crafted into stories navigating the world of his protagonist Patrick West. It’s a device that not only introduces the reader to the murky world of lies and spies, it also delineates the passing of time in, what to the reader, becomes a strange unfamiliar and alien place in the 20th and early 21st centuries.

The narrative is driven by dialogue between Fraser Ughert and Patrick West. Despite having known each other for many years, and on occasions worked together, there are vast areas of the Secret Services about which West knows little. Ughert is advanced in his years and he tells tales of the Cold War, spies busy with subterfuge, spies who were up to their necks in events that could shift the balance, the potential disaster of a war on humanity. We are dazzled by the sheer amount of spies of all nationalities; this book really demonstrates that there really is A Covenant of Spies.

But come on, this is fiction, isn’t it? Really? Well think again…

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK

And : Amazon US

Read more reviews and follow Daniel on : Goodreads

Connect to Daniel

Website: Author Danny Kemp
Facebook: Books by Daniel
Twitter: @danielkemp6

My thanks to Danny for letting me share his funnies…have a good weekend and thanks for dropping in..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp keeps us entertained daily on Facebook with his witty jokes and funny images.. by popular request he has agreed to do an open mic night for us here today….

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Danny

A recent review for What Happened in Vienna Jack?

Tina 5.0 out of 5 stars 😊 Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 5 March 2020

There is a very fine line between lies and truth. The people who would die to keep secrets and the people trying to find them out.

International spy thriller that grabs you and won’t let you go. Action packed pages that keep you guessing. Will Jack finally reveal what went down in Vienna or will he take it to his grave? Patrick is determined to find all the answer but at what cost?

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK

And : Amazon US

Read more reviews and follow Daniel on : Goodreads

Connect to Daniel

Website: Author Danny Kemp
Facebook: Books by Daniel
Twitter: @danielkemp6

My thanks to Danny for letting me share his funnies…have a good weekend and thanks for dropping in..Sally