Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – October 2nd 2020 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from Facebook.. Where you will also see that he has had a spell in hospital for a long awaited operation. Despite that he still managed to rustle up some great gags for us. Speedy recovery Danny.

And to finish off

An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old Town after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, on Bridge Street, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand quid!

Jerry said,: “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said: “Finders keepers.”

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said: “No.”
Jerry said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The police officers turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said: “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: “Let’s get out of here.”

Went to my GP this morning, I said I was having repeating dreams of building shops, restaurants, a cinema, and student accommodation on a plot of land. She said…
“I think you’re developing a complex”

A bloke walks into a pub, orders a treble whiskey, sits at the bar drinking it, and then says to the barman, ‘really, you shouldn’t have given me that with what I’ve got.’ The barman says, ‘What have you got?’ The bloke replied, ‘I’ve only got 5p!’

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
“Is this yours?” he asked.
She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.

On arrival, she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterward she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”
“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye.”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook page…..

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A recent review for The Widow’s Son

Kindle Customer 5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely One of the Best  Reviewed in the United States on July 19, 2020

I cannot praise you enough on your style of writing, I have read volumes 1 and 2 of this series one after the others , stopping at the end beginning at the beginning no pause inbetween. This one the widows son first caught my attention with the title as I am a traveler from the East MM living in the Levant. Around the middle of this book to the ending you really out did yourself. Your plot looking at the long view of the world outstanding absolutely outstanding. One of the best stories i have read in a long time. Thank You. Steven

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

 

Thank you for dropping in today and I hope it has make a good start to your weekend…thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – August 28th 2020- Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp keeps us entertained daily on Facebook with his witty jokes and funny images.. by popular request he is back to do another open mic night for us here today.

And to end tonight’s performance.. a couple of jokes…

Bartering….

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old woman standing beside her, smiled, and said.—“Grandma pay the man.

Suspicions

I was so suspicious of my wife having an affair that I insisted we moved to the Outer Hebrides.

I couldn’t believe my luck when I found out we had managed to keep the same milkman.

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook page…..

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Danny

A recent review for The Widow’s Son

Kindle Customer 5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely One of the Best  Reviewed in the United States on July 19, 2020

I cannot praise you enough on your style of writing, I have read volumes 1 and 2 of this series one after the others , stopping at the end beginning at the beginning no pause inbetween. This one the widows son first caught my attention with the title as I am a traveler from the East MM living in the Levant. Around the middle of this book to the ending you really out did yourself. Your plot looking at the long view of the world outstanding absolutely outstanding. One of the best stories i have read in a long time. Thank You. Steven

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter: @danielkemp6

My thanks to Danny for letting me share his funnies an please feel free to pass them on…have a good weekend and thanks for dropping in..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – June 5th 2020- Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp keeps us entertained daily on Facebook with his witty jokes and funny images.. by popular request he has agreed to do another open mic night for us here today

And to round off Danny’s performance …. a few of jokes.

Knowledge

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
The doctor asked him a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?” “Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

Where’s Phil

I was in my local when the barmaid asked me “why don’t I ever see you drinking with Phil anymore?”
I answered, “Would you drink with a man who lies to you, borrows money and doesn’t return it, never buys you a drink, cheats at pool, and tries it on with your wife?”
“No I wouldn’t,” she said.
“Neither will Phil,” I answered.

Two wives chatting in office:

Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Wife 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?

Wife 1: Oh mine was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work…

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that it left me with no money for a cab or auto. We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!!

MORAL: PRESENTATION DOES MATTER… NO MATTER WHAT THE REALITY IS!

Dedicated to All married couples.

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Danny

A recent review for A Covenant of Spies on Goodreads

Daniel Kemp’s A Covenant Of Spies deals with British Intelligence investigating Russian operative.

I enjoyed the clever, complex tale featuring a net of lies and political cover-ups that made me think twice about the daily news headlines.

An entertaining story of 21st century spies and tales of the Cold War sprinkled with clues till the end, it reminded me of “Bridge of Spies”.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK

And : Amazon US

Read more reviews and follow Daniel on : Goodreads

Connect to Daniel

Website: Author Danny Kemp
Facebook: Books by Daniel
Twitter: @danielkemp6

My thanks to Danny for letting me share his funnies…have a good weekend and thanks for dropping in..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp keeps us entertained daily on Facebook with his witty jokes and funny images.. by popular request he has agreed to do another open mic night for us here today…

and a joke to round off the performance..

There were four University students taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved.

They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam.

They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy.

Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written… For 95 points: Which tyre

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Danny

An extract from a recent review for A Covenant of Spies

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars An erudite, complex tale. A covenant of Spies  Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 16 April 2020

Daniel Kemp’s latest book ‘A Covenant of Spies’ is everything that I have come to expect from him; an erudite, complex tale, that is so well developed, he, quite seriously, makes me wonder if he really does know something that the rest of us can only imagine.

Just in case you’re not familiar with Daniel Kemp’s work…He writes political thrillers and A Covenant of Spies is the fourth book in his ‘Lies and Consequences’ series. His books are beautifully researched and crafted into stories navigating the world of his protagonist Patrick West. It’s a device that not only introduces the reader to the murky world of lies and spies, it also delineates the passing of time in, what to the reader, becomes a strange unfamiliar and alien place in the 20th and early 21st centuries.

The narrative is driven by dialogue between Fraser Ughert and Patrick West. Despite having known each other for many years, and on occasions worked together, there are vast areas of the Secret Services about which West knows little. Ughert is advanced in his years and he tells tales of the Cold War, spies busy with subterfuge, spies who were up to their necks in events that could shift the balance, the potential disaster of a war on humanity. We are dazzled by the sheer amount of spies of all nationalities; this book really demonstrates that there really is A Covenant of Spies.

But come on, this is fiction, isn’t it? Really? Well think again…

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK

And : Amazon US

Read more reviews and follow Daniel on : Goodreads

Connect to Daniel

Website: Author Danny Kemp
Facebook: Books by Daniel
Twitter: @danielkemp6

My thanks to Danny for letting me share his funnies…have a good weekend and thanks for dropping in..Sally