Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – It’s all about the Cats and Dogs…host Sally Cronin


Welcome to the Friday funnies and hopefully they will get your weekend off to a good start.

And finally

In front of the local butcher’s, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector’s item.

He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. ‘He’s not for sale’, said the butcher.

‘Look’, said the collector’, that cat is dirty and scabby, but I’m an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten pounds’. ‘It’s a deal’, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.

‘For that amount of money I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer’, said the connoisseur’, ‘The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.’

‘I can’t do that’, said the butcher firmly, ‘That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I’ve sold 18 cats.’

 

I hope you have enjoyed and have a great weekend.. next week Danny Kemp will be back with his wonderful brand of humour…Thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – It’s a Dog’s Life funnies and a joke.


Burglary.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

Thanks for dropping by and hope you have enjoyed… Feel free to pass them on.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – A few funnies and a joke or two – It’s a Dog’s Life


For the next couple of laughter lines some reminders of why dogs are so much fun to have around….

Giving the dog a proper send off.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Thanks for visiting and hope you have enjoyed…Feel free to pass it on.. Thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Posts from My Archives – Laughter Lines – Shaggy Dog Stories from around the world.


This was one of the most popular laughter academies of a year ago and I thought that I would add to the blog sitting list for my final day away.

From Australia

Whenever two drovers get together, there is the inevitable argument about who has the best kelpie sheep dog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.

‘My dog’s so smart,’ said one, ‘ I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection.

‘That’s nothing,’ said his mate. ‘I only have to whistle and point and Bluey anticipates the whole exercise.

Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.

The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.

‘Well that’s not bad,’ conceded the second drover. ‘ But watch this.’

‘Bluey, what about some tucker?’

In a cloud of dust Bluey streaked down the main street to a farm five kilometres from town. The dog raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.

The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master’s feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head, the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek. Returned and set the billy on the fire and gently dropped the egg into the simmering water.

After exactly three minutes, Bluey rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master’s feet and stood on his head.

‘Well that beats all,’ conceded the first drover, ‘but why is he standing on his head?’

‘Well he knows I haven’t got an egg cup,’ said the proud owner.

 

From Ireland

An Irishman Patrick Flanagan was walking his Irish Setter in the countryside. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Patrick then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Patrick then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Patrick was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Patrick dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.

Once the Irish drunk saw that, he turned to Patrick and said; “Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

From France (and various other countries with various makes and models of dog.. )

A wealthy French lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged Poodle along for the company

One day the Poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doodoo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old Poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old Poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

I hope you enjoyed the repeat and feel free to share the laughter. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Quickies, The Worm Test and A Wife Hunt.


Quickies

  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull terrier
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said,
    “Quit while you’re ahead?”
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
    say, talk in your sleep.
  • Ten per cent of all accidents are caused by drivers affected by alcohol. Which is another way of saying that 90 per cent of accidents are caused by non-drinkers!

patron-of-the-artsGetting away with it.

A businessman returned to his parked car to find the headlights broken and damage to his front end. Stuck under the windscreen wiper he found a note which read:

“Hey man. I just backed into your car. The folks that saw the accident are nodding in approval because they think I am writing down my name and other particulars, but I aint.”

The worm test.

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come with a small catch – first you had to listen to a sermon.

Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.

Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.

Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.

The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. “Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?”

A wino in the back of the room spoke up. “Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you’ll never get worms!  Can we eat now?”

Find the wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little worried.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.

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A laugh a day keeps the doctor away… thanks for dropping in… Sally