Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – How to deal with clowns and chocolate…and a joke or two from the archives.


And now for a joke or two from the archives….on the subject of drinking…

The police were ordered to clean up the neighbourhood and their job was made easier when a drunk staggered up to a sergeant and said “Escuse me offisher, what time is it?”

The cop replied “One o’clock,” and hit him once over the head with his baton.

“Blimey,” said the drunk holding his head, “I’m glad I didn’t ask you an hour ago.”

*****

After her husband has gone back to refill his drink for the fifth time at a host’s party, the wife looks at him and says, “Aren’t you embarrassed to keep going back for more?”

Husband says, “Nope. I Keep telling them it’s for you!”

******

Stumbling onto the bus just as it was leaving the drunk staggered down the aisle, hit a passenger in the face with his elbow and knocked over a bag of shopping. He dropped into a seat next to a sour-faced woman who took one whiff of his beery breath and wagged her finger in his face.

“You, young man, are going straight to hell.”

He struggled to his feet, “don’t tell me I’m on the wrong bus again!”

Please drink responsibly but feel free to eat as much chocolate as you like… This is a Public Service message…thanks for dropping in…Sally

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian’s – The Lords of the Drink


My guests today, The Lords of the Drink have a blog that celebrates drinking… it is a pastime that is enjoyed by billions around the world and has spawned millions of jokes on the subject. I have been known to embibe.. a little less as I have got older and more doddery, but there is nothing more pleasant that joining family and friends and sharing a bottle of wine.

I have also found some funnies in the archives on the subject…

I do appreciate that this is not always the case for some so please remember to drink responsibly.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints. After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”

“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to America and the other one moved to Australia. Now we are on 3 different continents and we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a pint for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”

The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behaviour and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 pints and drinking them in turn.

But then one day “Mister 3 Pints” comes in and orders only 2 glasses. The whole pub gets silent and the by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 pints the barkeeper says:

“I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolances on your loss.”

The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.”

As a man is walking down the street he sees an old man sitting on the pavement just outside a pub, a fishing hat decorated with hooks and colorful floats on his hat and a fishing rod in his hand. However there is no river or lake anywhere near and his fishing line ends in a puddle of muddy water on the other side of the street.

“Oh that poor soul”, the man thinks to himself and says: “Hello good man. Why don’t you let me invite you to a drink in that pub over there?” The old man agrees and they sit down for a beer.

Since the situation is pretty awkward the guy who invited the old man doesn’t really know how to break the silence, so he just orders another few rounds of drinks. Finally he has gathered the courage to ask the old man: “And? Are they biting?”

The old man puts on a smile and says he can’t complain. Surprised by this answer his companion asks: “Really? So how many have you caught today?”

The old man takes a large sip from his beer and replies: “Including you? That would be eight I believe.”

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?”

“The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.”

The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up.

“Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?”
– Absolutely ma’am.

“And what about golden glasses?”
– Indeed we do.

“And golden beers?”
– Most certainly.

“And even a golden urinal?”
– Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone.”

A woman wakes up at 4.30 in the night by some stumbling noise downstairs. She tries to wake up her husband, but the other side of the bed is empty. Rather scared she screams: “Who is that in our house?” To her relief it turns out that the cause of the noise is not a burglar, but her husband.

The noise continues for quite some time and the wife shouts: “What the hell are you doing down there?” The husband replies: “Oh nothing to worry about. I’m just trying to get a cask of beer up the stairs.” His wife gets pretty pissed off now and yells: “For the love of God, will you leave that down there.”

“I can’t”, the husband shouts back. “I drunk it.”

About The Lords of the Drinks

They say alcohol is bad. They say it’s harmful. They say you shouldn’t drink much. But we say: First of all alcohol is fun! That’s why we started this weblog in 2012 as a counterweight to all the negative attention alcohol gets in the traditional media.

We are Nikolay Nikolov from Bulgaria and Micky Bumbar from Holland. We met at the American University in the Bulgarian city of Blagoevgrad, obviously since we shared a hobby. Micky snatched the Alcohol Friendly Award (the award for the biggest drunk all through the year) at this university in 2012. A year later Nikolay took this prestigious award home. In all modesty we can say that both victories were deserved. Together we are the Lords of the Drinks, the two main writers of this blog although guest posts are very much apreciated.

On this weblog we bring you personal drinking stories, funny alcohol related facts and news, recipes for hangover cures, drinking games, scientific research on alcohol related matters, recipes for cocktails, drunk jokes, plenty excuses to drink with the party calendar and much more. If you cruise around this website you’ll find a whole different side to drinking than just the bad cases you normally read about in the news. Our motto is and will always be “Izbuhvam“, which is Bulgarian for “I explode”. No matter how dull the occasion, we’ll turn it into an awesome bacchanalia!

Now before we get labeled as alcoholics, we’d like to see ourselves as drunkards. There’s a difference. We drink hard, we drink like no tomorrow, but we never drink alone. Alcohol always tastes better when shared and it’s the ultimate aid to socialize and meet new people. So with everything you do, always keep that philosophy in mind. We don’t want to make anyone alcoholic, just very very drunk.

Connect to The Lords of the Drinks

Website :https://lordsofthedrinks.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thelordsofthedrinks/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Lordsofdrinks

I hope you have enjoyed the funnies today and will share… thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Please drink responsibly!!!!!


I might be enjoying the odd glass of something whilst I am away….. but I do want to warn you about the dangers of drinking too much…..you can thank me later!

 

A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”

Stumbling onto the bus just as it was leaving the drunk staggered down the aisle, hit a passenger in the face with his elbow and knocked over a bag of shopping. He dropped into a seat next to a sour-faced woman who took one whiff of his beery breath and wagged her finger in his face.

“You, young man, are going straight to hell.”

He struggled to his feet, “don’t tell me I’m on the wrong bus again!”

 

The police were ordered to clean up the neighbourhood and their job was made easier when a drunk staggered up to a sergeant and said “Escuse me offisher, what time is it?”

The cop replied “One o’clock,” and hit him once over the head with his baton.

“Blimey,” said the drunk holding his head, “I’m glad I didn’t ask you an hour ago.”

After her husband has gone back to refill his drink for the fifth time at a host’s party, the wife looks at him and says, “Aren’t you embarrassed to keep going back for more?”

Husband says, “Nope. I Keep telling them it’s for you!”

Hope you have enjoyed and cheers….Sally ( having one of those frothy things with a straw and a cherry)