Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – September 17th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – #Eyesight and Old Rugby Players


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Parent’s worst nightmare

A father passing by his son’s bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend SENGA from Glasgow because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Senga. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. Well 45 isn’t old

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant with twins Senga said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan near the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Senga has opened my eyes to the fact that drink doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be making it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune when the homebrew is ready…..

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

Dad is shaking and sits down…

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Life is Great

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great.

  • Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
  • I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  • Old age is coming at a really bad time.
  • When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
  • I don’t have grey hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
  • Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  • At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
  • I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
  • Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Old Rugby Players Never Die.

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved Rugby all our lives, and we played Rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s Rugby there?”

Joe looks up at Mike from his Death Bed,

“Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding Flash of White Light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike — Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe?” Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “And I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says, “Is that there IS Rugby in Heaven. Better yet, all of our Old Friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play Rugby all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams.

“So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the Team for this Saturday.”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for Once I Was A Soldier

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.

This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.

The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.

The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.

This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.

And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.

If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 10th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Language and Wonder Diet


Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

  

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally – A little elderly humour

Road safety!

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

Being in charge!

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

The wonder diet!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – February 11th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Dog Texting and Wedding Plans


Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

More on the subject of aging...Wedding Plans

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

Jacob: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes”.
Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”
Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’re about to get married. We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

00000

A well organized life….

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?”

“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready and four to go.”

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and some jokes from Sally’s archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Nothing like the oldies from the joke files.. I mean for the oldies….sorry

Forgetfulness.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

The longevity diet.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’ “Twenty-six,” he said.

We hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – The benefits of getting older.. hang on a minute I’m still looking!


And now some one liners from the archives, because any longer than one line and I forget the punchline……..

Some one liners…

  • Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
  • Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
  • My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
  • Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with some laughter lines to add to the rest…….Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Strange things happen in Bars and snippets!


A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopaedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads “Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”!

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?” The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.” “Hanging? Who are they hanging?” “Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked. “Well,” said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling,” said the bartender

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, he gets a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar said, “That’s amazing; I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.” The man agreed the guy took off. The bartender said to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.” The man said, “Frogs are easy to come by, the hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

An elderly lady was driving home from shopping on the motor way when her mobile phone rang, being hands free she answered it to find her husband on the other end. “Doris, I have just heard on the news that there is a maniac travelling at 50 miles an hour on the wrong side of the road. Please be careful”

“Are you kidding, It’s not just one car it’s hundreds!”

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office.

“Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think you’re ‘sex drive’ is
all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it
lowered!”

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you leave with a smile on your face..  Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Don’t underestimate old lady drivers and Blonde moments.


I have been browsing through my joke directory and being elderly and blonde and thought I would reshare.. I would add that there will be plenty of other jokes aimed at redheads, elderly men and other maligned minorities in due course….

An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.
Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?
I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer : Don’t have one?
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can’t do that.

Officer : Why not?
 I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 And for those of us who are decidedly happy being blonde….

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,

“Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles. Thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Confusion reigns.


Let’s head into the weekend on a lighter note…We all get a little confused sometimes and need to talk it out.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

A police officer at a speed trap pulls over a car he clocks creeping along at 22 miles per hour.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies inside — two in the front seat and two in the back, the three passengers all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I was going the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman explains.

Chuckling, the officer explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks him for pointing out her error.

Before he lets them go, the policeman asks, “Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.”

“Oh,” the driver replies, “they’ll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 148.”

 

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Have a great weekend and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do……share the smiles thanks Sally