Welcome to the second of the posts from Debby Gies archives of this current series. Bullying can be very subtle, from well chosen words to undermine to alienation from friends and family over time. Today Debby looks at emotional bullying that can leave as deep a scar as a physical form of abuse.
The Other Inconspicuous Form of Bullying – Emotional Bullying by D.G. Kaye
We’ve all heard stories about bullying, It happens in homes, schools, and on the internet. But what about a form of bullying in our every day lives we may be experiencing ? Often these symptoms aren’t recognized or more often, not even considered a form of bullying.
This often deceptive hidden form of bullying can occur through the way some people interact with friends or loved ones. When people talk down to others, making them feel insignificant, threatened or forced to abide by what is being directed at them, that is bullying.
Is there anyone in your life that responds to a heartfelt request from you with assertion or aggression demanding their way is better and all negotiations are off the table? Do you have someone in your circles who calls all the shots when it comes to making plans and out of a sense of not wanting to stir conflict you pacify their demands just to keep the peace? That’s bullying too. Why do we continue to remain in the circles of these confrontational, demanding people? Is it because we’re intimidated by them, don’t want to create waves in our relationships with them or are we just accustomed to the relationship as it is?
I can certainly attest to having being a subject of some of these somewhat toxic relationships in my own life. The people who make the plans, not wanting feedback but expecting everyone in the group to comply is a common factor in many relationships. There always seems be one of those leader types who wants to lead the pack by their decisions without debate. It’s easy to fall prey to these people especially if we are compassionate or sensitive souls who don’t wish to challenge directives with countering suggestions of our own. These types of relationships are not healthy. Whether we are easily intimidated or just wishing to keep the peace, we have to discover methods which allow us to stand up for our own thoughts or at the very least make changes to slowly distance ourselves from these dominating personality types.
So how do we handle these dominating people in our lives? First, it’s important to stand up and feel confident about what we would like to request. It’s perfectly okay to state our opinions and make alternate suggestions if we disagree or feel we have something better to suggest. If our ideas are shot down, we need to ask why. Perhaps we’ll discover that our suggestion may not have been the best idea, but with posing the question and stimulating a discussion we at least get to weigh out options. On the other hand, if the person we’re trying to have this discussion with is adamant that her decision is final and there’s nothing to discuss and this is the ongoing pattern with her then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
In healthy friendships and relationships, we should be able to have a good two-way conversation with each other. But if we find we are constantly being shot down for our ideas and what we say never seems to be taken into consideration by these people then these aren’t the people we need to have in our circles. Granted, when it comes to family relations it is more difficult to sever ties sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we have to socialize with these people. And in the event we are forced to congregate at a family function, it may be best to just keep our opinions zipped if it’s going to cause chaos within the family unless of course, we’ve had our fill of ongoing confrontations, then it may be time to exit.
But when it comes to friendships and acquaintances, we do have a choice. We don’t have to be rude, but we can state our opinions, explain why we feel a certain way and try to open up a dialogue to make our points. If the person we are conversing with isn’t open to opinions on a constant basis, it may be time to take that exit walk. This also applies to those energy suckers we tend to collect in our lives. These are the people who have nothing to give of themselves – a compliment, an ear to listen or any interest in how we are feeling. We can’t always change people but we have the power to change ourselves and realize when people around us aren’t offering anything positive to our lives we need to shed them.
We all have the freedom of speech. But that doesn’t give people rights to dominate other people’s thoughts or lives. Respect is essential in all relationships in order for them to be healthy ones. Knocking people’s ideas and thoughts and making them feel inferior is just one more form of emotional bullying. If we treat people and their opinions with respect, we should expect it in return. And if we’re not getting it after discussing the issue with them it’s a good indicator that it’s time to move on.
I am sure that Debby would love to receive your feedback to this thought provoking post and if you are able for you to share your experiences of this subtle but abusive behaviour.
About D.G. Kaye
Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.
D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.
When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”
“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”
When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.
This is D.G. Kaye’s latest release in December 2017.
In this personal accounting, D.G. Kaye shares the insights and wisdom she has accrued through twenty years of keeping her marriage strong and thriving despite the everyday changes and challenges of aging. Kaye reveals how a little creative planning, acceptance, and unconditional love can create a bond no obstacle will break. Kaye’s stories are informative, inspiring, and a testament to love eclipsing all when two people understand, respect, and honor their vows. She adds that a daily sprinkling of laughter is a staple in nourishing a healthy marriage.
Twenty years began with a promise. As Kaye recounts what transpired within that time, she shows that true love has no limits, even when one spouse ages ahead of the other.
Here is one of the recent reviews for the book
“Twenty Years After I Do” is a love story, all the more compelling because it is true. Kaye shines a light under the table, exposing those things many of us prefer to keep out of sight. For all of the unpleasant topics in the book, this is not a depressing journey. She doesn’t say that love concours all, but she shows us, through her own life, that it so often does. More accurately, she explains that love will help us face whatever outcome life gives us.
The author is one of the decreasing number of people who understand that marriage is “ti deathl do us part.” Staying together is not optional, it’s not a choice to be made. That choice was made with the speaking of the words, “I Do.” She shows us that love and humor are tools we can use to overcome obstacles we would have thought unsurmountable.
This is a good read. Reading it has made me feel like I’ve made a friend.
Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077V386TL
and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077V386TL
Other books by D.G. Kaye
Read all the reviews and buy the books: http://www.amazon.com/author/dgkaye7
and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
More reviews and follow Debby on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/dgkaye
Connect to Debby Gies
About me: http://www.wiseintro.co/dgkaye7
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/@pokercubster (yes there’s a story)
Thanks again to Debby for sharing this very popular post from her archives. If you would like to share posts from your archives that are over 12 months old then please check this post to find out how: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/02/09/happy-new-year-and-the-start-of-the-2018-series-of-smorgasbord-posts-from-your-archives/